In my mind's eye there's a picture of a friend, wearing purple in honor of a little girl who she had never met to attend the funerals of people she had never met, in support of me on
a very difficult day. The picture is so clear, that even now I scroll through pictures of that day in frustration that the picture in my mind's eye isn't stored on any disc or hard drive. It will remain forever a memory.
Calls and kind gestures came from many friends during that difficult time, but when this friend called, she said she was calling back in a day or two to see what she could do. True to her word, she called. Not wanting to inconvenience friends, I often told people I was fine, or that I would call them back if I needed anything, but when this friend called, I trusted that she could help, and that she know what to do.
This friend and I had spoken previously of death on several occasions. Her own younger sister and brother had both died in her lifetime...her sister at a younger age, and her brother after we had known each other for several years. Her personality was that of a true "steel magnolia," an absolutely beautiful person, inside and out, filled with sheer steel determination to face loss and live her life without apology. She always spoke of death in such an honest, direct manner, without pause or explanation for the difficult emotions of grief. I admired her for her attitude, and appreciated her support in my time of sorrow. I knew from experience with her that I didn't have to pretend, apologize or explain. She was there to help carry my load in any way she could, and expected nothing in return.
Her task on the day of the funerals was to help us care for Joie. We knew that our attention would be divided in many different directions, and on that day, it was this particular friend who was there to make sure Joie was drinking, had snacks, and could be given the space away from swarms of unfamiliar people to be closer to her friends and familiy on the day she had to say good-bye to her mom, dad, and baby sister.
And so it is that she became forever etched in my memories of that day, standing apart with those few who
knew, and around whom I could just be myself. In the weeks that followed, she continued to listen, support, and relate in a way that only someone who
knew could do.
This friend's name is Kim. On April 13, 2010, she died. Tragically, she took her own life. Tomorrow a husband and four children, along with countless friends and family members, will mourn her death, our loss of a sensitive, kind, and caring soul. Ten days before her life ended, she spoke to me again of death, but it had become a familiar conversation between us, one that didn't signal to me that she was hurting. Today my heart aches for a friend who was always there for others, but was hurting so much herself. I know I'm not alone in wondering how she hid it so well, and how we all missed the signs. As friends slowly learn of her death, all are surprised together that her life ended this way. I don't know where this quote came from, but it fits, and seems appropriate.
"Life lives, life dies. Life laughs, life cries. Life gives up and life tries. But life looks different through everyone's eyes.”
Kim, you'll be so missed. My prayer is for you to have found peace from the pain. My life is better because I knew you.
