Sunday Sharing

Today we made some brownies for a neighbor who made our family dinner after I had surgery.  We just wanted to thank people who thought of us in our time of need.

As we walked the plate of brownies to the door, it felt good to think we were giving back, just a little.

I handed the plate of brownies to the family, and they looked surprised.  One of them laughed, and spoke, "That's so funny," she said, "We were just making cookies for your family."  


We talked a while and left with a plate of freshly baked cookies.  Yum!

As I walked home, I thought about the kindness of our neighbors, and how we had tried to repay them, only to be blessed by them again.

Then I thought of how God is like that.  He blesses us every day.  His blessings are all around us.  We are "unprofitable servants," and yet we attempt to serve.  We love.  We give.  We serve.  Then he blesses us again, and we are still indebted to him.

Who knew there were lessons in a plate of cookies?

God's Perspective

Summer bickering is giving me a headache.  Offering rewards works as long as there's a reward.  Saying, "stop," and assigning extra jobs only works for a minute.

I believe that behavioral interventions change behaviors in limited settings (i.e. home, school, work, etc.)  I believe my role as a parent is larger than that of a behaviorist.  I believe if I'm not a teacher, my children will grow to adulthood and miss what it means to be a loving, kind human being who values relationships and life...

(This is going somewhere.  I promise.  And it's even funny.)

So as I've struggled with the summer bickering, I've thought more and more about what is is my children could understand that would give them a desire to put effort into relationships.  I found myself wishing they could just understand our lives through God's perspective.

So today I had that conversation with a few who were having a not-so-great day.  I asked them what they thought it was like to live with God before we came here.  We talked about lessons we might have learned from God to prepare our spirits to live on this earth.

Good discussions.

I love those moments.

In one such conversation with Nate (because he's a little older) we talked about perspective and how to keep that perspective, and see things through God's eyes.  We talked about daily contact with eternal things, like prayer, and scriptures to keep our perspective on what is important.  I loved his ideas.  I felt blessed to be Mom to such a great thinker.

But parents of teens know that moments of connectedness come with humor...because it would be horribly uncool to connect too much.  So Nate left the conversation to get on the church website to "see things through God's eyes."   A few minutes later I looked up to see something like this on the screen:

From there he progressed to google earth...images of different places in the world.  I couldn't resist.  I had to know how he got from scriptures to that.  He said, "I'm trying to see things through God's eyes."  

Hahahahahahahahahahaha!  I love it when they make me laugh.

Wish us luck in our perspective shift!

Good Grief

I used to think of Charlie Brown when I heard "good grief!"  But did you know there are actually several books by this title?  (And to be honest, I haven't read any of them.)  But I've always found the title interesting...

It always makes me wonder how grief can be good.  

I guess feeling the grief, even though it hurts, can be good (as opposed to not feeling).  Some might disagree, but I've seen too many people in counseling with a lifetime of hurt stuffed inside to think differently.

I like this verse:

"Let everything happen to you

Beauty and terror

Just keep going.

No feeling is final." (Rainer Maria Rilke)

I guess in that way grief can also be good.  It's not final.  It's only this chapter.  Now.  While you're hurting.  Then you turn the page and something funny or amusing happens and the feeling is different.

Which brings us to this girl...

...who is feeling some grief as her adoption approaches.  When she first moved here she said she felt sad about leaving people behind, but happy to be in a family.  She still says the same thing, but a deeper, wiser part of her asks increasingly difficult questions, ones that make me dig deep inside me for the answers.

And this week when her sisters left for camp, her world fell apart, at least for a day.  Tears.  Sadness.  Reminders of another sister she lost.  "Why didn't anyone ask me what I wanted?" she asked.

And afraid of the answer, but needing to know, I asked, "If you could go back, would you?"  

(Long pause...)

Then, "No.  But I miss people, and people miss me."  

And even though we kept talking about missing people, and even though I told her we'd always make sure she'd be able to stay in touch we people from her past, we both knew it wasn't the same.

Then tonight (while I was brushing a knot out of her hair) we were talking.  She wanted to know why we were adopting her, and if we would adopt more children.  "Why not all the children in the orphanages?" she asked.

"I wish I could."  I told her.

Then as the conversation progressed, we were talking more about loss, and wanting to go back...and what we'd do if we could go back...then deciding maybe we wouldn't want to go back.

The boys were wandering in and out of the room while we were talking.  Nate jumped into the conversation with the idea that if we could go back, our family would just be five...  Thinking he was being a rude older brother who was dissing his two younger sisters, I geared up for the defensive reaction of all defensive reactions...

Only to have him say, "Well, if you could bring your sister back, you would.  Then we wouldn't have Joie."

Silence.

He was right.

Tonight at bedtime Gabby brought it up again.  This time I told her if I had any wish it would be to take away all the hurt in my kids' lives.  I asked her if she remembered talking about feeling two things at once...happy to have a family, and sad to say good-bye to people she loved.  She remembered.  I told her I felt the same way.  I told her I'm sad about the road that brought our adopted children to our family, but so, so, happy that they're here, and happy to be a family.  I told her I couldn't change the loss, but I could be happy we're all together.

She said, "Uh, Mom...  Why are you squeezing my hand so tight?"

(Oops.)  "Because I love you so much," I told her.

It all leaves me wondering and thinking about the possibility of good grief, especially if no feeling is final.

...Which is always possible if we can turn the page and live the next chapter, and the next, and the next...and sometimes look back over what we've already lived, and pause to realize the loss and feel the pain.  As long as we don't stay there.

Happy Birthday Jeran!

Thirteen years ago today this kiddo entered the world, too early to be born yet, but too excited to care.  After only a week in the NICU, he joined us at home and hasn't slowed down since.  When he was three and might have been starting preschool, I debated holding him back a year (seeing how his actual due date wasn't until September anyway).  Within a few weeks he literally started reading.  I thought he had memorized the book so I tested him again...  And again...  He was really reading.  (And hasn't stopped.)

With preemies you always worry about delays, but Jeran always kept the worries away.  The peace in knowing he had not only avoided delays, but was advanced for his age was a blessing.  When we realized he might be born early and I was put on bed rest, Tim and our home teachers gave me a priesthood blessing.  The council of the blessing was to trust in the timeline of the Lord, and that Jeran would be healthy and without delays.  

The timeline of the Lord brought Megan into our home shortly after the birth of Jeran.  By his actual due date, we had a 3 month old baby (Megan) and a 6 week old baby (Jeran), and one very excited 2 year old (Nate).  The next year was a whirlwind of formula, bottles, diapers, burpies, car seats, and sleepless nights.  

Thirteen years later, they're still best buds.  They went to preschool together, and from preschool to middle school, were only in separate classes 4 times.  Teachers kept advising us that "multiples" do better apart, but whenever we'd try it they'd end up back in the same class, and it seemed they did fine either way.

It seems like each year we're a little birthday'ed out by the time we get to Jeran's birthday, and adding Gabby's birthday in there this year only 9 days before Jeran's birthday didn't help the birthday energy.  His big day is also the day after Pioneer Day, a big holiday in Utah, so he has to fight a little for his moment in the spotlight.  

But this year he was looking forward to signing up for facebook the moment he turned 13.  He even baked these cookies yesterday afternoon:

That's a "J", the number 13, and FB for facebook

He also had his alarm set for midnight but didn't wake up until 6:00 a.m.  A little later he got a text from one of his friends saying, "I waited up until 4:00 a.m. to add you as a friend.  Where were you?"  Oops.

Unfortunately, the hype of facebook wore off, and the reality of the day set in.  It seemed that once again we had lost our birthday energy by the time Jeran's birthday rolled around.  (We'll need an energy boost for Joie in a few weeks...then put our birthday season to bed again until next summer.)

Somehow this year an extreme lack of planning had us forgetting to plan a birthday celebration before Megan and Joie left for Brighton Camp early this morning.  Also this morning Gabby was missing her sisters before they were even out the door.  I found her outside early this morning with tears in her eyes (she said it was just allergies), and later this afternoon those tears turned into huge sobs missing her sisters.  We had decided we'd do a family celebration when Megan and Joie get back from camp, and Jeran would have a friend celebration tomorrow...

But three of his really good friends can't come on the day he planned his party because they're also going  out of town.  We could tell the day was getting him down...  Long story short, we were rescued by Captain America, followed by an all guys camping/fishing trip Tim threw together this afternoon for him and the boys.

So now it's just Gabby and me here at home...  Right now she's downstairs singing with a friend and looking forward to a week of day camps at a local farm starting tomorrow.

And I promise we love you, Jeran, and could never, never, never forget your birthday.  Well... there was that one time (we're not kidding there, folks).   

Sunday Sharing

Today (July 24th) in Utah we celebrate Pioneer Day.  It is a celebration of the day the first group Mormon pioneers (who settled Utah) reached the Salt Lake Valley.  Early pioneers were driven west as they moved from settlement to settlement seeking religious freedom to worship how they pleased, yet not being allowed this freedom, they were driven from their homes by angry mobs over and over again.  Finally, they chose to flee to the west, to the (then) uninhabited mountain desert of Utah.  No one had yet settled here, and it was long passed over by other western moving pioneers because of the harshness of the climate and land.  The now thriving communities of the Salt Lake Valley are a testament to the strength and dedication of the early pioneers who settled this area.  Literally, they were refugees, and through their faith, they found freedom.

Our family went yesterday to see the film 17 Miracles.   It's a film about one of the pioneer handcart companies that left late in the season and encountered sickness, weather, and other difficulties along their journey west.  Many died, and all experienced pain and difficulties which tested their faith in God.  Yet, as with all the early pioneers, God showed his tender mercies to them through the challenges they faced, and they experienced miracles which strengthened their faith.

As a mother, I often wonder how my children view things like this.  Do they see the miracles?  Do they know that God is still a God of miracles?

That evening they didn't stop talking about the movie and about miracles.


"Can God really do that?"


"How did God just make food appear?"


They all shared bits and pieces of what stood out to them, and their amazement at the miracles of the early pioneers.  In my mind, I was thinking of our day, and the miracles we know, even today.

The conversation waned a little as the girls ran outside with their friends.  I was left alone with Nate in the kitchen.


He commented about some of the miracles we had seen in our own family, and for the next few minutes as we talked about miracles, I knew he got it.  I also knew that the tragedies that have accompanied the miracles weren't lost on him, but in tragedies, we have seen the hand of God.

We live in a mortal world filled with the potential for hurt and loss.  It isn't always easy to see that in the hurt and pain of mortal choice and conditions, God's hand can still guide and comfort us.

All I know is this:  Every time there is loss, every time there is confusion, every time there is pain, I feel peace, not in the pain, but through the pain.  And I know it doesn't always take tragedy to build faith, but for me, challenges have transformed my faith to Faith.

Later that night in our family scripture study I asked our children, "What is the difference between faith and faith in Jesus Christ?"  


Again, in their answers, I knew they knew.  Gabby said, "If you have faith, you believe something, like 'I can ride a bike.'  If you have faith in Jesus Christ, you know He can help you with anything."

Wow.  How did she know?

He comforts.

He teaches.

He heals, both body and spirit.

So we talked about pioneers, and modern day pioneers.

Pioneer:  to be the first to open or prepare; to take part in the beginning of; to lead the way.


There's a children's primary song in our church about pioneers that goes like this:

You don't have to push a handcart,
Or leave your family dear
Or walk a thousand miles or more
To be a pioneer.


You do have to have great courage
Strength to conquer fear
And work with might for a cause that's right
To be a pioneer.
(Ruth Muir Gardner)


We honor the early pioneers by being modern day pioneers.

"It is good to look to the past to gain an appreciation for the present and perspective for the future. It is good to look upon the virtues of those who have gone before, to gain strength for whatever lies ahead. It is good to reflect upon the work of those who labored so hard and gained so little in this world but out of whose dreams and early plans so well nurtured has come a great harvest of which we are the beneficiaries. Their tremendous example can become a compelling motivation for each of us. For each of us is a pioneer in his own life, often in his own family and many of us pioneer daily in seeking to do God’s will and lift and serve those around us."  (Gordon B. Hinckley)


More than anything, I wish for my children to recognize the hand of God in their lives, that they know He is a living God.  I hope for them to know that just as miracles have taken place, they do and will continue to take place as He loves us and guides our lives.

If Mama Ain't Happy, Ain't Nobody Happy

This was me today.  Maybe not the fangs, but if I had fangs, I may have actually eaten my young instead of just growling at them all day.

Who knows why we get like this (we being moms collectively, because if you're a mom you know you have days like this).  Honestly, there was nothing in my day that should have pushed me over the edge...

Except for Gabby whining about all the fun things I offered to do with them today because she only wanted to go to a movie.  That's it.  Nothing else would do.  Not even Disneyland (and no I didn't offer Disneyland, but I'm pretty sure if I had, she wouldn't have liked it because it wasn't a movie).

And Joie throwing a fit because she chose to go barefoot outside then stepped on a huge thorn (ok, maybe it was a small stick) then me having to drive 100 yards down the hill to pick her up in the car because she "couldn't walk," and I couldn't carry her and hike up a hill...something to do with surgery recovery.  I'm thinking that wouldn't have been a good idea.

And Nate not getting out of bed before 10:00 a.m.

And Jeran and Megan...  Well, they may have escaped the list today.  Except there was that one time Jeran looked at me wrong, and that one tiny item that was out of place in Megan's room after she said she cleaned it...

Get the picture?

I was a mama bear on a war path, and anything anyone did (with the exception of stay out of the way) would have resulted in a growl (or at the very least, a snarl).

You know the other day when I talked about the concept of attunement?  Well, I honestly think it can go both ways.  In other words (and said in my best Jeff Foxworthy accent), "If mama ain't happy, ain't nobody happy."  


When Tim got home this evening I cried to him.  "And I'm not sure why I'm this way," I heard myself saying.  "I'm so tired, and I have no energy.  I sleep at night and still want to nap during the day..."


When he mentioned still needing time to recover from major surgery as a possibility, I knew he was right, but the mama bear in me (a.k.a. type A) didn't want to hear it.  Frankly, I'm sick of naps, sick of being tired, sick of not being able to do fun energetic things with my kids, sick of not being able to work out...  And I'm pretty sure if I could work out it would release some of this mama bear energy.

But meanwhile, the kids are steering clear of me, even though I told them I just need sleep and I'll feel better, and it's not their fault.  At that point Gabby asked if I'd be the "fun mom again" when I'm better, which made me laugh.  And even though laughing about it kind of dispelled some of the tension, I don't see or hear a kid right now.  They've all found things to do outside, with friends, downstairs...

So please know, if I bite your head off, I really don't mean it.  Really.  I promise.

The Leap

It's been a year since I made a huge leap and went into private practice.

Yup.

Just me.

Flying solo.

At that point I had been employed for five years outside the home.  I've always said I choose to work, and have only worked out of the home since all my children have been in school.  Mostly Tim's crazy schedule and my schedule have been able to coordinate and somehow we managed two full-time jobs, with only a little help with childcare a few days a week during the summer.  As a family we'd like to think we could live on one income if necessary, at least that's what we've always told ourselves...that if it didn't work out with Tim's schedule and my schedule to coordinate so we could be parents first, we'd make adjustments.

So when we started talking about this huge leap we knew a business wouldn't be profitable right off, and the plan was to work part-time while I built up my business.

Best laid plans...  Within a few months I got an unplanned push when Tim was given a detail at work that involved a lot of travel and a not-so-flexible schedule, right when our children would have been out of school for the summer.

Ready or not...

Huge leap. 

Now we'd really get to test that whole living on one income idea...while paying to start a business...in the middle of a bad economy.  And what's that?  An adoption?  (Gulp.)  No worries.  Somehow we'll manage...

I was fortunate enough to be able to take some clients with me when I made the transition, but when my vision of clients lined up outside my door as soon as I was ready to start seeing clients didn't materialize, reality started to sink in.

I was told by other therapists that it takes about 18 months to be really profitable as a therapist.  (Sigh.)

Fortunately, even with the craziness of an adoption and all the adjustments involved I was able to start covering my own expenses within the first few months.

Now a year later (actually 11 months after I started) I was able to start paying myself.  (This is where I pat myself on the back...  And they said 18 months.)

But the payment has come in other ways that have made all the sacrifices adjustments worth it.

I love being my own boss.

I love setting my own schedule.

My office is two minutes from my house and from the kids' schools (vs. 30 minutes before).  I can volunteer, go to programs, (and the best part) schedule time off while the kids are in school to go on dates with Tim.

And did I mention being able to be here after school during the busy homework time?  One of us has usually always been here during that time anyway, but honestly, mostly it was Tim and I hated missing that time of day (weird, I know).  It's been nice to choose one day a week for late appointments, and leave the other days open to be here during those busy hours.

So would I do it again?

Absolutely.  Every dip and turn of what has been one wildly, crazy ride.

And on those particularly crazy, wild days, when I was tempted to pick up the phone and ask for my old job back, I could flip my calendar back to last July and see those two clients I had scheduled, vs. the growth since then...  It's all about perspective.

The Art of Recovery

Surgery stinks.  Recovery stinks.  Being careful stinks.

I'm not good at being careful, or at resting.  The "type A" in me grows restless and impatient.  Several years ago I realized my "type-A" personality was working against me, so I decided to teach myself to relax a little more and not sweat the small stuff.  After several months of witnessing my attempts at transformation, Tim told me one day I had developed a new "type-C" personality, which was "type-A about turning into type-B."  


Years later, type-C seems to be the closest I can get to type-B.  It's better than nothing, and it's good to be able to relax and enjoy life a little more, (but I still know my type-A personality can still serve me well when I need it...it's my secret weapon.)

I found out over the past few weeks I've had to rely heavily on my type-C personality to recover from surgery.  Apparently one day I emphasized the need for rest too well.  I walked out of my room to find these signs on the door:

Thanks, Megan!

Even Blossom got in on the type-C shift.  She's not allowed in my room, but waited patiently by the door.

(Similar expressions were on the kids' faces)

Mostly I think I'm recovered.  I don't lift a lot, and I still get tired easily (took a three hour nap this morning), but most days are relatively normal.  When I'm feeling impatient, I shift into type-C mode.  Baby steps...baby steps...baby steps...  The type-A me would have freaked out, but the type-C me handles baby steps a lot better.

Sunday Sharing

I read this quote today:  "Most of the important things in the world have been accomplished by people who have kept on trying when there seemed to be no hope at all."  -Dale Carnegie

A lot of things give me hope, in a world that sometimes doesn't offer a lot of hope.

My children give me hope.  And like any mother, I also worry over my children.  I don't like to see them sick, or suffering or sad, and when any or all of the above happens, I want to make it better.  I've learned when I worry, I should pray.

It is in those moments of prayer I realize that all my teaching, and all my love, and all my nurturing and mothering, everything I have to give, isn't enough.  In those moments I know that even though I feel pretty confident as a mother, there is someone who knows my children better than I, and knew them long before I knew them.  In those moments, when I pray, He teaches me about my children and helps me see them through different eyes, as they really are...His amazing spirit children.

Then prayers are answered, and strength is given.  Doors open.  Love flows.  Miracles exist.

So as amazing as it is to keep trying and never give up hope, life (especially life as a mother) always teaches me that it is not just about having hope.  It is about having hope in Him.

"For in thee, O Lord, do I hope..."  Psalm 38:15

Happy Birthday Gabby! (Part 2)

Somehow after a night short on sleep we drove back to Utah, and managed to pull off Day Two of Gabby's birthday celebration.  Tonight she's one happy birthday girl!

Gabby chose Indian take-out instead of going to a restaurant "because I'm tired."  Tim and I went for take out and pulled together another birthday surprise for after dinner...which was delicious.  And was 100% consumed.

Then for the surprise.  Everyone was in on this one.  We wanted to surprise Gabby with her adoption date as part of her birthday, so we hid pieces of messages in balloons:

Hunting for balloons...

Popping balloons...

And more balloons.  Eleven total.

Putting the message together...

Two very important dates.

Adoption finalization and temple sealing.

(For more about temple sealing which unites families forever see here.)

Somehow we've been able to keep Gabby a little in the dark about the dates and it was fun to surprise her.  

A few years ago we did something similar for Joie, and Joie had a lot of fun helping me plan this surprise for Gabby.  Then after Gabby put the puzzle together, they shared a very sweet spontaneous moment that changed the mood in the room from one of excitement to quiet understanding.

Joie sat in front of Gabby and placed her hands on Gabby's shoulders and said, "Gabby, do you know what this means?  You'll be in this family forever!  I love that she couldn't contain her excitement for Gabby on this one, and without any planning at all, she told Gabby about what it means to be a forever family.  (Pass the tissues.  I needed a minute after that one.)  I love how Joie's own assurance of eternal families blesses all of us.

But Gabby was still wondering where her other present was.

So we had her wait again...

The anticipation...

Then the smile of recognition.

Wait...  It's short!

(Turns out I got the wrong one.)

A trip to the store and a lot of shopping around eventually resulted in a ripstik/scooter combination (and some crazy conversations...the things Joie and Gabby come up with!).

Miss Fix-It to the rescue.

And finally, the ride she was waiting for.

No sweat.  

Seriously?  How do they ride those?  

(She told me I shouldn't try or I might get broken.)  

Tonight Gabby said the day went too fast.  I agree.  Every day should be a birthday.

Happy Birthday Gabby!

It's now 10:55 p.m. and it feels like at least 1:00 a.m., but there are six screaming girls running around playing "Ghost in the Graveyard."  In a few minutes I'll convince them it's time for a movie.  Hopefully they'll fall asleep.  They're funny to listen to though.  (Note:  For those who know the sleepover rule in our house, this is a cousin sleepover, not a friend sleepover.)

Gabby's plan for the perfect party was to come to Idaho and have a birthday party with cousins on the farm.

So yesterday we packed our Durango full of kids and party supplies and drove to Idaho.

This morning we made "a red heart cake."  (Thank goodness for cupcakes.)

You don't want to know what I said right before this shot...  Apparently it didn't have the effect I was going for.

Then Joie said, "If you smile, I'll give you ice cream!"  Why didn't I think of that?

Then the party...  

It was a "Chip and Dip" party.  Gabby's only food request was chips and dip (and the red heart cake).

Chips.  Check.

Bowls filled with chips

Then the "dip" part of the party...nonstop water games...

 First, Twister with a twist...

Playing on a wet mat...

Courtesy of the water brigade.  

Right hand on yellow...water in the left ear.

Then on to dribble, dribble, drench...sort of like duck, duck, goose, only the "goose" gets drenched with a wet sponge.

 Then we dried it out a little with squirt gun races...

The little cars are propelled forward by the stream of water.

The winner of each game took home a squirt gun.

Then things got interesting (and I didn't get pictures on this part).

Everyone decided it would be fun to drench the birthday girl...  

But the birthday girl is pretty smart and didn't want to be drenched, and she was just too quick for them, so she didn't get wet.

But she did get tired of running away from eight other girls and what she thought was a birthday tradition she didn't understand...

So she left to go play with the cat at her cousin's house next door.

Then our phone rang.  Did we know the birthday girl was next door?

No.

But it didn't take long after that for her cousins to find her.  By then they were all water free, and the idea of drenching the birthday girl was forgotten...

And the party resumed later around mini pizzas...

Those red ones in the middle are sauce only pizzas.  Gabby's own choice because "I don't like meat or cheese."

Seriously?  She said she wanted pizza.

And I have photographic proof that she eats pizza, even the toppings:

But not today.  Today she consumed no fewer than three sauce only pizzas.

And a lot of chips.  

And cupcakes.

And presents.  We can't forget the presents.

And now it's 12:01 a.m. and they're watching Ramona and Beezus and there are partially consumed bowls of popcorn and a nearly empty package of Oreo cookies on the countertop.  

Awesome day.  

All day I kept watching Gabby celebrating her first birthday in our family, at her first birthday party, and feeling thankful again for the firsts.  

Especially I'm thankful for Gabby.  I'm amazed daily that I get to know her and listen to her speak and reason, and that I get to see her kind heart in action every day.

I love this girl, and can't imagine our lives without her.

Twenty-five more sleeps until adoption finalization...  Wait.  Does going to sleep after midnight count?

And zero more sleeps until her birthday, because it is now officially July 16th!  In about 7 hours we'll eat pancakes, then pack up and drive home, unload the car, and I'll go get her real birthday present from my office (where it is safely hidden) and I'm sure the evening will involve Indian food, and an Indian restaurant with the whole family (because right now we're also missing Tim, who was working today).  

Sleeping Beauty

Look who fell asleep on the couch tonight.

We had just finished reading scriptures and she literally dropped her book and was asleep within minutes.  Too much Harry Potter?  

Gabby is the second of two children who joined our family when they were older.  I've said before that it amazes me when children who have been through hurt and loss can go from stranger status in a family to forming bonds of love and attachment.  It takes a lot of courage to keep trying to love after so much loss.  

Enter attunement.  (Spell checker says that's not a word but I know it is so stick with me...it means being "at one" or at harmony with another human being.  ...Probably no accident that atonement and attunement are close to the same word but that's another blog for another day.)  For Gabby, attachment and attunement certainly are not automatic, but from day one she has responded readily to our attempts to connect with her and she allows herself to attempt being "at one," in the kind of attachment that only parents and children can enjoy.

Tonight after scriptures she put her book down and flopped down on the couch next to me.  I said, "Ok.  Go brush teeth and go to bed."

She sort of a mumbled an "ok" response that really meant, "I'm tired.  Can I just lay here for another minute?"

"Gabby, let's go brush your teeth and I can lay down with you tonight."  

No response.

I knew she was tired.

Sometimes in our attunement attempts, I lead, like when she's sobbing and can't stop.  I can sit next to her, put my arm around her, and take a long deep breath.  Literally within minutes she responds with a deep breath and starts to calm down.  Every time.  Without fail.  Amazing.  

Other times I follow her cue.  Tonight she lead me.  

She sighed.

I read her cue:  "I'm exhausted and don't want to move."

I reached over and put my arm around her shoulder and sighed in response.  My message back to her:  "I'm here and I'm ok with you being here.  Go ahead and go to sleep."  

And I got to hold my nearly 10 year old daughter as she fell asleep.  No words were communicated about the plan to just let her sleep on the couch tonight.  No words were needed.  But when I put her pillow under her head and her blanket over her, she said, "Thanks mom."  

As much as I love the cuddly form of a newborn and their steady gaze as they form the early stages of an attachment relationship, there is nothing like connection with a child who, against all odds, is connecting with a parent in an attachment relationship.  There is very little in Gabby's life experience that would lead her to trust adults, so I marvel at her heart that is so willing.  Wow!  It's moments like this that make me feel like the luckiest mom alive.  I have to pinch myself sometimes to believe it's all real.  I get to share my life with this girl forever and ever and ever.  

A miracle.  Really.  

Countdown:  4 more sleeps to Gabby's birthday.  28 more sleeps until she's legally and officially ours.  (Yes, the July adoption date didn't happen...turns out our judge is out of town a huge part of the month and his docket was full...so we're still counting days.)

I Know What You Mean, Megan

Tonight Tim and the kids are at the cabin.  I work today and tomorrow, so I get to have to stay here.

Don't get me wrong.  I love the cabin.

And I love my family.

I also love breaks.  The silence around here tonight has been golden. (And don't worry...  Tim gets his break in a few weeks when he goes out of town.)

But not long ago my golden silence was interrupted by a text from Megan.  (Actually I was just starting to miss all of them.)

They're having an all night Harry Potter marathon.  (Guaranteed they'll be asleep soon.)

I texted Megan that Blossom misses her.  (Actually both dogs miss the kids.  You should see them moping around here like their world just ended.)

Megan texted back, "Oh, we miss her...  Sorta, cuz it is relaxing not thinking about the dogs."


I had to laugh, because I know the feeling, Megan!

(And suddenly, just when I was starting to miss my kiddos, the silence turned golden again.  Yes.  Kind of relaxing.)

So Megan...  I'll take care of the dogs.  You give the kids a hug for me, and I'll see you all tomorrow.

(And P.S.  Don't forget prayers.)

Sunday Sharing

Our abnormally cool and stormy summer weather has provided us with a lot of beautiful skies this year.  These are some pictures Megan took this evening as the sun was setting.

She even captured a shot of a rainbow through the clouds.

For me believing is more than understanding.  It's also feeling.  When I'm in nature, I know.  The beauty of God's creations become His living testimony, and what I see with my eyes can also be felt in my heart.  

I've learned that those whisperings in my heart are His voice.    

So tonight when I walked outside for a minute and saw the beautiful skies, I was thankful again to feel in my heart that God knows me personally...

Just like he knows each flower that blooms and each star in the sky.

"Consider the lilies how they grow: they toil not, they spin not; and yet I say unto you, that Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these.

 "If then God so clothe the grass, which is to day in the field, and to morrow is cast into the oven; how much more will he clothe you, O ye of little faith?"

I'm thankful to know and thankful for the peace that brings as I trust Him daily with my many needs.

Oh, Say Can You See...And Other Patriotic Lyrics that Describe our 4th of July

Oh, say can you see what tremendous amounts of fun we had over the 4th of July weekend?  (Yeah...a week later and I'm getting around to posting about it.)

We went to Juniper, Idaho for the weekend.  (Except for Jeran, who went to scout camp again.)

Juniper.  This is my country!  Land of my birth!  (Not really.  I wasn't actually born in Juniper, but I did live there from before I was a year old until I graduated from high school.)  I'm still proud to say Juniper is a part of me and I'm a part of Juniper.

But back to the incredible weekend.

Spray painting t-shirts.

And if you say spray paint instead of tie-dye, teen boys get into the fun.

With the size of my family, there's bound to be beautiful tiny pilgrim's feet running around everywhere...so, so many cousins.  Twenty-three (in attendance) to be exact.  That's forty-six perfect sets of toes.  Oh, beautiful for pilgrim's feet...

This girl is a baby charmer.  Every time I turned around she had a baby in her arms.  And she was so sweet with them.  They love her!

And Megan was pretty good at entertaining the younger crowd...

No one but them understood the game, but it looks like they're having fun

Lots of fun...

And then there are these two (Nate and Braden), who aren't so tiny any more, and they're definitely, definitely up to something...

The younger crowd ready ride on the back of the truck

Except these two (Nate and Braden) who preferred the independence of the 4 wheeler.

Yes, we're thankful for all those tiny (some kind of getting bigger) feet.

There were also rides on River

And later there were bombs bursting in air (the water powered bottle rocket type), but we didn't catch that on camera.

And lots of dawn's early light moments and memories made far, far beyond twilight's last gleaming...most of which also weren't captured on camera.

The dawn's early light moments included the kids being able to do early morning chores at a neighboring dairy farm.  One of their cousins, Dani, gets paid to feed cows there morning and night, and the cousins love to help when they're visiting.  (Dani's sure they might not love it as much if they did it every day.)  We're just glad she lets them help.  They love it!  (And we thank the farm families are patient with our city kids.)

One of Gabby's favorite moments of the weekend was (and still is) feeding the baby calves.

My cute nephew, Edward getting to know the baby calves

Awwwwww....

At dairy farms, calves are separated from their moms at birth and given bottled milk so their mothers can provide milk for the dairy.  Since we've been home, when Gabby says her bedtime prayers, she prays for the baby calves, that they will be ok since they can't have their moms.  Hearing her talk about feeding the calves makes me realize how important it is for her to have those nurturing experiences...just one more reason I'm thankful to have roots in Juniper.  Those kinds of opportunities are endless there.

But back to the weekend...

There were beautiful spacious skies filled with stars, sunshine, clouds, sunrises, sunsets, and rain...

And when the rain hit, we were up in the mountains...

Did you know camp chairs can also double as umbrellas?

My view from inside the nice, dry car.  (I was helping Gabby hold a baby at the time...a good excuse that always works in a pinch.)

Certainly we saw our share of purple mountains majesty, which were actually green up close...greener on this very cool, wet year than I've ever seen in my life.  It was beautiful.

And while I was sitting in my camp chair still taking it easy from surgery a few weeks ago, many others got to go enjoy hiking the majestic mountains.  Gabby has hiked twice now.  Once in the Utah mountains before my surgery, and again this trip.  She might just be addicted to hiking.  I hope.  It's one of my favorite things to do.

The hikers.  Over hill, over dale, we have hit the dusty trail 

(but no caissons were rolling along).

Gabby is in the blue sweatshirt in the middle of the pack.  Joie is just to the right of her in the denim jacket.

Others hung out around the campfire during the hike.  Watching socks burn dry seemed to be the activity of choice.

That would be my nerdy feet because all I brought was flip flops, but I did find some socks in the car to keep my toes warm.

Nate was just amused by it all.

And Tim, who had just worked a midnight shift, took advantage of a quiet moment to just snooze a bit.

There were also rides on the most amazing swing on the planet...

Off we go, into the wild, blue yonder, climbing high, into the sun...

Here they come, zooming to meet our thunder... 

(Yeah...better when the Air Force sings it.)

Did I say there was a lot of food?

Dutch oven style

Campfire eclairs

Seriously.  Eclairs over the campfire.  Try it.  There were even s'mores.

It happened to be way past twilight's last gleaming when we left the canyon...but there was that pesky flat tire on our way home.  We'd been driving slow on rocky dirt roads and as soon as we pulled onto the pavement we realized we'd been driving on a rim.  Yes.  Another flat tire.  Sadly, our vehicle was the designated baby vehicle, so while Tim and several of my brothers were changing a flat tire, three of us sat in the car holding sleeping babies...because by that time it was beyond late.  

Too late for fireworks (that Gabby so, so wanted because she hadn't done fireworks before, but that would wait for the the next day.)

It was an almost perfect way to spend the 4th of July.  All weekend we all kept thinking about those of the family who weren't there.  Nine out of 12 of my siblings were represented at some point in the weekend, which wasn't bad.  And even though my parents are away for a while, they were sort of represented because we all crashed in their house.  (And Dad, you might recognize a few of your shirts in the pictures.  Thanks!  They kept us warm!)  But we all kept thinking of that one thing that would have made this 4th of July perfect.

My brother was to have returned to Germany from Afghanistan the day before (when it would have been the 4th of July in Germany), but his flight was delayed.  Bummer.

We all kept waiting to hear...

Then this facebook post from his wife:  

"He's home."  

Those words were the perfect end to our 4th of July weekend.  Joe was back on friendly soil.  

Oh beautiful for heros proved in liberating strife.  

Who more than self their country loved,

And mercy more than life...

Welcome home Joe!  Can't wait to see you in person.

We're looking forward to spending more time in Juniper this summer...less than a week and counting to Gabby's birthday party at the farm.

And on Monday Tim is off to the cabin with the kids (while I work).

It seems like we may be getting back to summer again after that 

S-L-O-W period.

You can't ever have enough summer.

Partial lyrics from:  

America the Beautiful

Star Spangled Banner

The US Army Song

Air Force Song

and This is My Country!

Photos provided by all the many people (myself included) who were holding my camera over the weekend, and photos from Beth and Trevor and Becky.  Also the photo of Joe and his family was shamelessly borrowed from facebook...pretty sure Tawny didn't take it because she's in it, but thanks to whoever captured that amazing moment for their family.