It Hurts

I'm thinking a lot today...many things on my mind, but one experience today is driving it all.

A lot of times when I'm talking to clients in therapy sessions, we talk about the idea of secondary emotions--emotions which result from other emotions.  For example, fear of fear, or guilt about sadness, etc.  So commonly in our world, whether it is through media, music, or even well meaning family members, when things are wrong, the message is, "You're ok!" or "Be tough.  You can do it."

All good messages, right?

But what if you really are hurt, and go to someone for help, and they rush you through the hurt to feeling better?  What if as a child you go to an adult to connect in pain, and hear, "You're ok!"  

The message (even though it isn't intentional) is clear:  I'm more accepted by this very important adult attachment figure if I'm ok.

Today I was working with an college aged woman about an incident of rejection that happened at school as a child, causing her pain.  Even as an adult telling the story, the message was clear:  Those kids were just mean, and I moved on and made new friends.


Move on.

Don't hurt.

As we talked more about the permission to feel the hurt instead of the secondary emotion (embarrassment about hurt), I could hear the tone of her voice changing, but she still continued to talk about how she just moved on.  Then almost out of nowhere the idea of being ok with the hurt hit her and she stopped mid-sentence and said, "I needed to hurt."


How many times do we need to just hurt, but "move on" instead.  How much do we really feel afraid, embarrassed, angry, ashamed (or any other number of feelings) about our emotions?

Tricky stuff...

Easy to talk about in the counselor's chair...

Harder to live.

I wish I could say as a mom I always listen and validate, but I think I fall into the "You're ok!" trap too often when maybe I need to think more about, "You're ok even when you're hurting..."


At ultimately, being ok to the person who loves you is a good place to be.

Favorite Things

A good book.

My Nook loaded with a lot of good books.

My children.

A long talk with my husband.

A house full of giggling, noisy neighborhood girls making cookies.

Dinner with friends.

Sleeping children when I got home from a dinner with friends.

A plate of cupcakes and a kind note from neighbors when I got home from dinner with friends.

All those things happened today.

I guess that makes today a good day!

Lunch Surprise

Today while I was at work I got a call from Tim (who was not at work).

"Guess where I am?" he said.

It turns out he was just leaving Joie's school after having lunch with her.

She forgot her lunch today, and called to see if he'd drop it off (not sure why she didn't just take school lunch for the day, but oh, well.)

If you've read this blog before you know Tim's stance on dropping things off at school if the kids forget...  Usually it's a hard, "No."  (Something about teaching responsibility...  My stance is, "It depends," mostly because if the teaching responsibility technique worked, why do adults forget things?  And are responsibility and memory really connected?  ...Maybe all questions to ponder a different day.)

The good news for today was this:

In Joie's words, she was waiting for dad to come walking through the door with a brown bag and instead he came walking through the door with "a colorful looking bag that looked a lot like a McDonald's bag."  

Dad scores.  (And apparently, so did Joie.)

So I guess at the end of the day we're not teaching responsibility...because the lesson of the day would be if you forget your lunch you get McDonald's.

But when I heard Tim tell me what he did, I had tears in my eyes.  I'd much rather teach love than responsibility, and I guarantee Joie will never forget the day Dad brought McDonald's to school.

(And speaking of adult memory, I'm happy to report that mine is working fine these days...no new incidents of missing keys since this day.)

Sports Summary

Just in case you were wondering about the outcome of this very intense tournament...

This amazing team took 2nd place...not bad!

I'm also happy to report that in the final game, no coaches were evicted, and the team whose fans and coach struggled with sportsmanship the day before actually didn't place in the tournament.

And #33 was amazing.  

Last spring one of the parents of Gabby's soccer teammates said they would get their daughter a dog if she scored 4 goals that season.  Of course Gabby thought that wasn't fair, and begged and begged for a pet for scoring goals.  Our compromise was a day without jobs for reaching their personal sports goal...which they're all very happy about.

As per our pre-game deal with Megan, she could get out of Saturday jobs if she scored 4 or more points in one of final games.  Saturday was a pretty laid back day for #33, and she earned it.

In other sports news...

How many hungry wrestlers can you fit at a table?

Apparently, Nate's team was going to find out (that would be Nate in the brown shirt).

At their final banquet to celebrate their season, the coach gave out food assignments of every type of food they weren't allowed to eat during the season.  

Hamburgers, chips, soda, desserts...  Let me tell you...These boys can put away food, and more than made up for any food that was off limits during the season.

And of course we think Nate rocks, and we've been so, so, so, so, so happy with his sports adventures this year...  But that's a post for another day.

And on Saturday the entire family attended Gabby's basketball game (because by the end of basketball tournament week, she was absolutely convinced we all loved Megan a whole lot more than we loved her).  She has been nervous to have everyone come watch her play, but in addition to learning basketball she is learning to handle the flare ups of sports jitters that attack her on occasion, and she was awesome!  I love how she is not afraid to jump into sports teams of girls who have been playing sports their entire lives, and pushes herself to develop skills and succeed.  It's no secret we think Gabby rocks!

I've said before I'm a farm girl, and one of the biggest lessons of growing up on a farm was that hard work yields results, and at the end of the day you feel accomplished.

Now that I'm raising my own children in the city, I love how music lessons, sports, and other achievements can do the same thing.  When they work hard, they grow as people, and I love watching them push themselves beyond what they thought they could do to achieve a goal.

Now soccer is around the corner again.  Nate and Megan have already started practices...

Are there trophies for parents who live on the sidelines?

Intense!

# 33 is the most awesome player in the world!

This amazing team is playing their final regional game tomorrow for the regional championship title.  They play a team they've won before, and also lost to before.  This same team also lost to the team that Megan's team beat today...  Are you following me here?  

Basically tomorrow is going to be an intense game, even more intense than today...

Which was super intense!  

Crazy fans screaming at referees...

The other team ahead by 8 points a few different times...

The other team's coach being ejected from the game with two technical fouls.  

But Megan's team always rallied, and guess what?

They play for the regional championship tomorrow...

Can't wait!  

Inspired

Inspired (in-spahy-rd) aroused, animated, or imbued with the spirit to do something, by or as if by supernatural or divine influence. 

It seems like I come across things a lot that inspire me, everything from the ordinary to the spectacular...

Sometimes they're a part of our every day lives and sometimes they're just little things that are inspiring that get noticed, but not mentioned.  I've been trying to be more aware of the little things lately, and to pay attention to living in the moment...not thinking about what needs to be done or stuck in the stress of something that happened 5 minutes ago...

But to live in the present, in the moment...right here, right now.

And in the moment, I was inspired by something seemingly small this week, but it wasn't small to me, or to Gabby, and it didn't go unnoticed.

This week I got to go with my girls to a church program for moms and daughters where Janice Kapp Perry spoke.  Girls and women from age 8 on up had been invited to participate in a choir singing music of Janice Kapp Perry.  We had other things going on during the practices, so we didn't even try to participate in the choir, but as we arrived and Gabby saw some of her friends in the choir and wanted to go sing with them.  I told her they practiced the songs and we wouldn't know the words, so we'd just listen.  She was disappointed, but settled in ready to just listen.

Not even a few minutes later one of the primary leaders came up to Gabby and asked her if she wanted to sing with the other kids.  It turned out Gabby knew some of the songs, and on the ones she didn't know, the leader gave her music so she could sing.  Also, that same woman sat behind her the entire program and as I watched, I saw Gabby turn around and ask her questions, and saw the woman help her out with music when she didn't know the words.  This woman went out of her way to make sure Gabby was included.

I was inspired by this woman's kindness and attentiveness.  It was just one woman, and one girl, but the attentiveness of that one woman made a huge difference to that little girl.  I was inspired.

I was also incredibly inspired as I listed to Janice Kapp Perry talk about her life and experiences with writing music.  I had pictured in my mind that she was always a composer, and was surprised to learn that it wasn't until she was in her 40's that she started writing music (that's my age, folks).  I thought of how often I just picture myself doing the same thing for the rest of my life, and don't try new things, either because I'm afraid, or because it's too much work.  I thought of how so many of her songs have influenced my life and the lives of my children...


I Walk By Faith, a song I learned when I was in the Young Women's program, years ago.  Words that inspired me as a youth to follow in my heart the things I knew, but couldn't see or prove.

A Child's Prayer...How often have I heard that song, even as an adult, and been reassured by the words, "Pray, He is there.  Speak, He is listening..."


And words can't express the gratitude of the healing we've felt as the reassuring words of Families Can Be Together Forever have spoken peace to Joie's heart and to our hearts as we sing, "I always want to be with my own family, and the Lord has shown me how I can..."


...And so many, many other songs, all because one woman in her 40's wasn't afraid to try writing music, and made a choice to combine simple gospel teachings with music.  Thankfully she wasn't content to not try, or to give up.

Inspired.

I'm pretty sure I won't be writing music, but I'll certainly be aware of the times I push away the idea of doing or trying something new, or taking the time for the little things like paying attention to a child.

What inspires you?

Gabby Meets Grandpa and Grandma

Almost exactly one year and two months after joining our family, Gabby finally met her Grandpa and Grandma Campbell (and I didn't even get a picture).

When we adopted Gabby, Grandpa and Grandma were almost one year into a two year mission for the LDS church in Orlando, Florida.  (See more about missions here.)  While they've been gone, seven grandchildren have been added to the family, and in the past several weeks they've travelled across the United States visiting their children and grandchildren.  We're the last stop before home.

On their way north, Grandpa and Grandma wanted to stop first in Cedar Fort, to visit the graves of Joie's family.  We decided to meet them there, and actually arrived about 20 minutes before they did.  Joie wanted to walk down to her old elementary school while we were waiting...the school she went to before her family died.  She and I visited the school.  ("It used to seem so big," she told me, as she remembered her time at her old school, and she told me how she got in trouble because she used to skip breakfast at home and get school breakfast...something her mom discovered when her lunch account was quickly vanishing.  "That's how I learned you have to pay for lunch," she said.)

We were walking back to the cemetery and talking about her memories of Cedar Fort when we heard a car pull up behind us and stepped off the road.  They didn't recognize us and we didn't know it was them until they passed...  Apparently Joie is a lot taller than she was last time they saw her.  So that was the place of our first reunion after two years--on the side of the road in Cedar Fort, Utah.

Gabby met them with only a wave at first, then ran off to play with a dog that had wandered over to the cemetery.  Of course she warmed up more as the evening went on, and after a few hours she couldn't stop talking.  My favorite question of the day for Grandma, "Why do old people go on missions?"  (Mom, I don't think you ever answered that one...  You were kind of caught off guard by the "old people" part of the question.)

Today they'll go to church with us, then drive 2 1/2 hours north to Juniper, Idaho and be home for the first time in 2 years.

Welcome home, Mom and Dad!  We're happy to have you here.

Sing Your Heart Out (And More Tears)

I don't sing...at least not well.  I wish I did.  I think I can carry a tune, but then again I wouldn't know.  Once when I was younger my mom told me I was tone deaf, so I think that means it might have been painful for her to listen to my try to carry a tune.  I'm pretty sure I'm not tone deaf...just not a great singer.  I'm the kind of person who sings to the car stereo, or in church (very softly).

I do enjoy music, and I enjoy listening to people sing.  It amazes me that the human voice could be an instrument, and can reach a place inside us that words alone don't touch.

I have children who are great singers.  I love listening to them, not only because they've got a great voice, but also because they're my children.  There is just something fabulous about witnessing the amazing, independent accomplishments of children as they develop their own talents and abilities.

Joie is one of the great singers in our family.  She always has been, even before she was in our family.  She used to sing with her mom, and had an incredibly sweet and pitch-perfect voice.  She sang a few times after her mom died, but then kind of just stopped.  She wasn't interested, and even said she couldn't sing.  This past year she's finding her voice again, which is still just as amazing as it ever was...and she's signed up for lessons starting next week.

Yesterday was the New Beginnings Program for the girls 12-18 at church.  I knew Megan and Joie had been working hard on preparations for this program, but the preparations were top secret, so I didn't know much of what was going on.

Early in the program, all the girls stood to sing.  Out of nowhere, starting the song, I heard Joie's absolutely beautiful voice singing a solo, followed by others joining in.  It didn't even take 10 seconds for tears to start flowing from my eyes.  I couldn't see Joie at first from where I was sitting, and I could have sworn I heard Ruth (her mom) singing.  As Joie gets older, I hear her mom's voice more and more as she speaks, and even as she sings.  I try to prepare myself so it doesn't catch me off guard and turn me into a puddle of tears, but there was no preparation last night.  I had no idea she was singing.  It turns out that an older girl had the solo part, and lost her voice right before the program, and couldn't sing.  The leaders asked Joie if she knew the words and could take the other girl's solo, so she did.

It was beautiful and amazing, of course...

But there I was, once again crying in the middle of one of Joie's programs, missing her mom, and her mom's beautiful voice, and being once again aware that I was there enjoying that moment because her other mom was no longer here.

I have this distraction trick I've learned for public moments like this, just to prevent tears from turning into the ugly cry, right there in public.  I look away.  I focus on something else.  Anything else.  I tune out the world that threatens to bring the emotions pouring out of me...  Not healthy, I know, but it beats sobbing and walking out (which I have also had to do).

I had to use the distraction trick last night.  (Sigh.)  And I'll probably use it again...not every time, but in those moments where I'm just caught off guard and can't help it.

Thank goodness for those little pieces of them that live on in her.  Their love lives on in her too, because the other thought I couldn't chase from my mind last night when I was thinking of Ruth was all those times Ruth would sing with her, and practice with her, and encourage her to sing.  Behind that beautiful voice is a lot of love...a gift for sure.

So Excited I Can't Stand It!

I can't contain the excitement any longer!

Because this guy...

Is finally on his way home from Atlanta!  He'll get here late enough that the kids won't know...

Until they wake up the morning of Valentine's Day to find dad making breakfast in the kitchen.

(Shhhhh....don't tell them.  They think he's coming home on the 16th but he was able to leave early!)

Like I said, I'm so excited I can't stand it!

Speaking Up

There is a story and accompanying video that has been posted on facebook so many times today I can't count.  A lot of parents are praising this video.  Many parents are also saddened by this father's actions and lack of connection between him and his teen daughter.  (For the story and video see here.)  I'm among the crowd who is not only saddened about their lack of relationship, but saddened that this has been put out there as model parenting, just one more counterfeit for the real effort and energy it takes to build and maintain healthy, lasting, and respectful relationships with children.

For those who haven't seen it (and don't want to watch all 8+ minutes of this adult throwing a fit), here's the story in a nutshell:  A teen girl posted an angry, disrespectful tirade against her parents on facebook.  It was a teen rant at it's finest, filled with hate, crude language, and contempt directed at her parents.  Certainly it wasn't appropriate for any setting, least of all a social networking site, and most assuredly this teen was on the entitlement train a long time before this singular event.

Her father (acting out of about as much foresight as his daughter) decided to teach her a lesson (and a lot more lessons I'm sure he didn't intend to teach her), and made a video to post on the internet reading her tirade to the world, followed by explaining the expectations he has of his daughter.  Then he pulled out his .45 handgun and blasted 9 rounds into her laptop, destroying it.

Yes, parenting at it's finest.

Dear Parents:  Please don't let your own sense of exacting justice drive your parenting decisions.  Parenting is too great a responsibility to be left to chance!  Parenting needs to be intentional.  It requires foresight and planning and effort...years and years of effort.  It requires love, forgiveness and understanding.  It requires teaching, guiding, and instructing.  It requires presence.  It requires hesitance.  Yes, hesitance.

Reactivity is born of emotion...anger, disappointment, and even embarrassment.  Reactive parenting responses are not effective.  Sure, you'll teach them a lesson.  They'll certainly follow your lead in making relationship impacting decisions out of anger.  And they'll learn for sure never to do whatever it was they just did...unless they think a parent won't know...in which case, they didn't learn; they just learned to hide from what is supposed to be the one unconditional source of love on this planet.  Doesn't real learning involve a teaching process?  "Lead me; guide me; walk beside me; help me find the way..." (lyrics from I Am A Child of God)  


Parenting isn't an easy job.  I know.  I do it every day.  Am I a perfect parent?  No.  Am I an intentional parent?  Yes.

I love, love, love my teens.  They're amazing people.  Are they impulsive?  Sometimes.  Are they disrespectful and selfish?  Occasionally.  Do we laugh and love and have fun together?  Every day.  Do we get upset at each other?  Every day.  Do we value our relationships more than we value anything else?  I hope so...at least that's our aim.  Are we building relationships that last forever?  Absolutely.  Forever and ever and ever and ever...without end.

Granted, we don't see the end of the parent/child story in the above mentioned video.  I pray that they made up and hugged it out and that their relationship truly isn't a series of reactions, and that one of them has the maturity to step back and engage in a real relationship.  I hope beyond hope that is the case.

And I hope that the take home from all of this isn't to pat a dad on the back for using his primal brain to parent.  I hope not, but sadly he's a sensation for doing what he did.  For all those parents out there who don't agree, and who exercise restraint and love in parenting, keep doing what you're doing.  It will pay off...probably not with a bazillion hits on the internet, but certainly with all the rewards of a relationship with the one-of-a kind kids God loaned to you for a few years so you could learn really, really, really what it means to be a parent.

And now a few quotes:

"Often we assume that the people around us must know how much we love them. But we should never assume; we should let them know... We will never regret the kind words spoken or the affection shown. Rather, our regrets will come if such things are omitted from our relationships with those who mean the most to us."  President Thomas S. Monson


"Take care of your little ones. Welcome them into your homes and nurture and love them with all of your hearts. They may do, in the years that come, some things you would not want them to do, but be patient, be patient. You have not failed as long as you have tried."  President Gordon B. Hinckley 

Screen Time

If you're a parent anywhere in the western world, you understand the term "screen time."  You also know how easily it is to slip into battles about screen time.  The questions of how often, how much, when, and where are constant, and let's face it.  On our mediocre days, it's easy for even the strongest parent resolve to be worn down.

The other day I was talking to another mom about screen time and she told me about some articles in the LDS Church's magazines this month I hadn't yet had the opportunity to read.  (Note:  There are several different monthly magazines published by the LDS church.  The Ensign is a general magazine for adults; the New Era is generally for teens; The Friend is generally for children.  Screen time articles can be viewed here:  The Ensign, New Era, The Friend.  Click on each link separately to view the separate articles.)

The articles were very timely, since we seem to have daily battles in our house about screen time.  Kids will be kids, and if I'm not monitoring, their daily allotted hour becomes two.  A few times my children and friends or cousins have posted video links to facebook that are one link away from a link to pornography.  (Thank goodness for an army of moms who notice!)  Ipods and phones, which are supposed to be checked in at night somehow "accidentally" make it into rooms.  Kids get a text during family time that they "have to" respond to.  The list of screen time and internet mess ups and misuse are as limitless as the possibilities (which of course, are also limitless).

When I read the articles, my mom brain wheels were turning, and for Family Home Evening last night we discussed appropriate and inappropriate use of screen time.

Each child participated in sharing part of the above articles for discussion.

As part of the lesson, I had the kids go on a two-minute hunt through the house to find things they could do with friends besides screen time.  I loved their ideas.

And Megan made us an awesome electronics bucket:

I think we need a charging station instead...

And did anyone else notice that the sign Megan made said there should be 9 electronic devices in the bucket at night and during family time and there are actually only four?

Here's how the bucket is supposed to work...obviously we're still getting it down.

The plan:  Kids come home from school and all phones and iPods are dropped in the bucket.  No texting, talking on the phone, iPod, facetime, Words With Friends, facebook, Pandora, or anything else until jobs and homework are finished.  Electronics also have to make it in the bucket for family time (meals, prayer, scripture study, Family Home Evening, etc.).  Electronics also have to be there at night.  And it goes without saying that the one hour a day screen time limit still applies.

I guess it's a battle that doesn't resolve, but our resolve is to keep working on ways to be sure that screen time remains a great tool to connect with our world, but doesn't limit our ability to connect with real people, especially our family!  

Wish us luck!

My Mad Cake Making Skills

My sister Becky had a birthday Sunday.  We won't say how old she is, but according to Gabby, she's 21.  (Becky, you're young and gorgeous, but 21?)

Becky threw a 40th b-day party for her husband Friday, which we were unable to attend, but it started me thinking...maybe I could surprise her by showing up on her birthday.  

I contacted her husband and put a plan in action...

The only request was a sort of odd cake...

All four members of Becky's family have birthdays between mid-January and the first week of February.  Her husband told me that by the time her birthday rolls around she's always sick of cake and asks for a veggie tray...

Easy request, but kind of boring, so I got creative...

A little frosting...

And layers and layers of veggies...

And voila...cake!

Fun surprise.  Fun day... 

(And selfishly, I loved the adult time, which I don't get nearly enough of with all the traveling Tim is doing.)

Happy 21st (however old you are) birthday, Becky!