Families Are Like Quilts

My mom cross-stitched an awesome quote for all her children one year for their birthdays (and in case you lost count, that's 12 of us).

It says, "Families are like quilts, pieces cut from lives, sewn by hand in good times and bad, designs quilted by memories and promises and bound with never ending love."


I love quilts.  If I were to ever get a home-making bug it me, it might just be quilting...for sure it wouldn't be laundry.  (Don't hold your breath for either one.)

But quilts are amazing.  I love how little pieces of fabric can form patterns, or not.  I love the folk-artsy nature of quilts--that out of necessity, pieces of old, worn fabric could be turned into something useful and whole.

So in that way, families really are like quilts, where all our imperfect pieces make up one giant tapestry that is beautiful simply because it is.  It takes all the colors (personalities) and all the pieces (individuals, memories, challenges, promises...) to make it whole and beautiful.

I also love looking at old quilts, before machines could make them with perfection.  You can see every stitch, even the imperfect ones.  So much of what binds us together as families is imperfect, but it is that imperfection that is beautiful.

...And imagine the gaping holes of a quilt falling apart if the imperfect stitches were removed.  Those imperfect stitches represent connection.  Every stitch connects the old, worn, otherwise useless pieces of fabric, and even in their imperfect unity, they become something whole and useful, and even more beautiful and meaningful with age.

I guess I'm feeling thankful today for the imperfect tapestry that is my family--thankful that I could bind my life together with the lives of my siblings, parents, children, spouse, cousins, aunts, uncles, grandparents...the whole shebang...

There isn't a more perfect way to live!

Utah Adoption Council Conference

Adoptive parents and adoptive professionals in Utah:  This next week (April 25th and 26th) the Utah Adoption Council is holding their annual conference.  I'm presenting on the 2nd day--one session for professionals and one session for parents.  My topic (drumroll please) is:  My Child Isn't Responding to Therapy.  Now What?


Other conference topics include cultural competency, adoption law, adoption ethics, navigating the school system, Circle of Security (another of my favorites and something I have used in therapy for years)...and other topics as well.  Certainly it would be a setting to engage and connect with other like-minded adoptive parent, adoptive professional types.

If you're interested and have the time, see here for more information (click on agenda at the top and select the day and which track you are choosing--parent or professional).

Parent/Neuroscientist

I've said before that I think parents are neuroscientists.  I'll try really hard not to be a geek while I'm talking about all of this, but I know for sure if I had another degree in me it would be in the field of neuroscience or occupational therapy (the sensory part, which is hugely connected to neuroscience).  Definitely what I know as a professional fuels the belief that parents are neuroscientists.  For years, I've been a fan of Dan Siegel, Bruce Perry (the link is to his organization), Allan Schore, and many others who have helped to merge the fields of neuroscience and psychology.  This week I was able to attend a conference featuring Bruce Perry's work with healing trauma and attachment problems.  I won't bore all of you with the neuroscience details...I saw Tim's eyes glaze over with mere mention of the title, "The Neurosequential Model of Therapeutics."  (But if you're as fascinated as I am with neuroscience, go to any of the above websites and you could get lost for days.)

Meanwhile, it stands true that parents are neuroscientists.  With the emergence of brain scanning technology, we are living in a time were we can see and document physical changes in the brain under the stresses of abuse, as well as changes related to lack of connection and attachment.  Likewise, we can also see changes that occur under the healing influence of relationships and attachments.

I knew all this when we said yes to bringing Gabby in our family.  Nothing in her story told me she couldn't heal as a human being.

After she had been with us for several weeks, I remember looking at her one night as she was talking to me, having the realization that her first mom loved her.  (I'm mom #6.)  I honestly don't know a lot about Mom #1, and she is no longer living.  Gabby shares a few stories and memories, but nothing that tells me anything significant...

But I feel like I know a little about Gabby's mom #1 because she left an imprint on Gabby's brain that speaks loudly (through the filter of what I know from the above named awesome neuroscience geeks).

The rest is history...a really difficult history which includes more trauma that most children won't even learn of until they're approaching adulthood...

All of which also left an imprint on her brain...

One she is aware of and responds to, but doesn't rule her life.

Meanwhile, I'm just thankful that "mom" is a good representation to her and not a negative one...

So when she gets the hiccups drinking out of mom's magic water bottle gets rid of them...

And when she doesn't want to eat but she's "starving" a peanut butter sandwich prepared by mom is the best food on the planet...

And so when she has nightmares we can pretend I'm there with her in the nightmare helping to keep her safe...along with dad, brothers and sisters.  We're super heros when it comes to fighting nightmares.

And so even when we all get stressed and upset at each other, we can be hugging 5 minutes later and know all is right with the world.

By Bruce Perry standards, the system that allowed her to love and form relationships was formed during the first few years of life.

Way to go Mom #1.  You have my love and gratitude.  Mom #1, the neuroscientist-parent from South India, succeeded in preparing her daughter's brain to survive in this world.  There is no greater gift.

(For a really fascinating video that explains all this see here...one of my long-time favorites.  The video is in sections.  Scroll down to view each section of the entire video.)

Heaven on Earth

Yesterday evening, Tim and I, along with my sister, Becky and her husband, Larry, took a walk up the mountain behind my parents home in Juniper, Idaho.  The sunset was amazing... 

Have to share...

I miss just being able to walk up the mountain.  I wish this mountain was behind my house.

(And more to come on the weekend...  My brother Joe and his family were visiting from Germany, where he is stationed in the military.)

Are You My Mother?

When you've had so many mom figures in your life, what's one more?

One trait I admire in Gabby is her ability to find a solution in any given set of circumstances.  In spite of all she's experienced that would prove otherwise, she still believes in people and relationships.  I'm convinced that she has a keen sense about people, which I'm sure contributes to her resiliency.

Several weeks ago, on a Friday morning, I got a text from a neighbor:  "Can I sign Gabby's planner for her?"  (Her school uses planners to communicate with parents, and Gabby's is supposed to go back to school signed every Friday morning.)  I was carpooling high schoolers at the time, and out of desperation, she found a mommy substitute.

I was both amused and impressed.  I think of the number of times my other children have forgotten to have me sign a planner and just gone back to school without said planner signed...  Bummer for them.  No points.  Better luck next time.

But in true Gabby style, giving up was not an option.  If Plan A (get mom to sign planner) and Plan B (return to school with said planner unsigned) weren't options, she'd find a Plan C.

I called the neighbor back and we shared a good laugh that she would think of a neighbor as a planner-signing option.  "She can find a mom anywhere," I remember saying.

But really, is that such a bad thing?

Standing Up For Women

Women:  Is there any doubt we all work?  Whether we are at home raising children or in the workforce (or both), we all work...

Which is why I was incensed and Hilary Rosen's recent comments about Ann Romney (see here).  I posted this to facebook today:

"No matter which side you're on politically, is there any woman out there who doesn't find Hilary Rosen's comments offensive? As a mom who has both stayed at home with my children and worked outside the home, I have to hope as women we're past bashing each other for our choices in raising our families. Sometimes women are their own worst enemies. Hopefully both parties can move on to discussing politics."  


Both sides have distanced themselves from Ms. Rosen with rebuttals.  (Smart move for both sides, although I'd venture to guess that Ms. Rosen's comments helped Mitt a little.)  Meanwhile, it is my wish that in this imperfect world, women would support each other in what has to be one of the most difficult challenges of life--that of being a mother.  Whether it's in media or every day life, women judging women borders on cannibalism.

That's all I have to say today.

The end.

Lovin' My Family

Tonight I was looking at pictures on our family computer.  Hilarious!  It looks like the kiddos in our abode may have been bored one day.  What I used to do in front of they mirror they do with LifeCam...

Nate

The girls figured out how to clone themselves.

Gabby

Megan

Jeran having a flash of brilliance

Megan trying on puppy dog eyes

Happy girls!

What Nate would look like if he ever had to go on Biggest Loser...

Headless Jeran

Fish Face

And I love them all!  I feel blessed every day to be their mom.

I'm also adding a link that has been circulating around social media sites lately about being a mom...written by a mom who was able to put into words what we all feel.  (See here.)  There is nothing better!

And moms, you are enough.

Easter

I can't let Easter get too far behind us without saying something about my own feelings about the gifts of our Savior, Jesus Christ.

There is nothing more amazing in the entire history of humanity than the birth, life, atonement and resurrection of Jesus Christ.  Sometimes I think it seems so amazing that we forget it is not only a gift to human kind, it is also a very loving, personal gift.  

Last year Joie made a sign to put at her parents' graves:

The message is so simple:  Because of Easter, I can see you again.

What a beautiful message about resurrection and eternal life, and I love knowing that we will all be united again one day.  I don't know what my life would be like without that peace.

At the same time, I know the very human, very imperfect side of me struggles to always love, forgive, understand, follow commandments, let go of my own will and turn it over to Him...  And so many other things that would make it impossible for me to enjoy the gift of eternal life because I'd be living forever as a resurrected being in my imperfect state.

In God's perfect wisdom, He sent His son, Jesus Christ, to atone for our sins, so that through the process of repentance, we could live with Him, and with each other in a perfect state of eternal happiness.  

Every time I step out of my self to love...

Every time I forgive and feel my own heart lightened...

Every time I allow my will to bend to His...

Every time I, in my imperfection, need Him to make me perfect and whole, I'm blessed beyond what I can describe.  The joy of having my burdens lifted comes from our Savior's love for us.  It is real.  The peace of life in His love and light is real, and thanks to the miracle of resurrection, that light and love can last forever.

The beauty of this message is that we don't have to wait until then to enjoy peace and happiness.  With Christ's gospel on the earth today, we can enjoy that peace during our lifetime.  What a gift that He would not leave us comfortless and without direction in this life.  The LDS church has put out a series of Bible videos this year depicting the life of Christ.  If you haven't had a chance to watch these amazing videos, you can find them here.  

I am happy to say every day that I believe in Jesus Christ.

This year we were in Idaho on Easter and didn't get a chance to decorate Ruth's, Nick's and Audrey's graves.  I tried to get Joie excited about making a sign again to put next to a memorial my mom has in her garden, but the excitement and the pull of cousins and the holiday had her feeling not so interested.  Instead everyone helped out by writing messages we left in the memorial garden.  

...Because we can't think of Easter without thinking of the amazing day when we will embrace loved ones again!  The thought of it is overwhelming, and it is with joy we say we know that day will come.

(For last year's Easter post, see here.)

City Kids in the Country

I'm sure we'll say more about our spring break later, but just for today...

Our children just spent a week in Juniper, Idaho on the farm with Grandpa and Grandma Campbell.  They all wish they could live there permanently.  They think we should move there.  I wish we could.  If they're ever hiring IT specialists or mental health therapists on the farm, we'd move there in a heartbeat.

The funny part of that is they worked their tails off last week!  Spring on the farm is not a picnic.  (And  yet from the time we arrived home this evening, you'd think I was torturing them to ask them to clean up after themselves...

I love that they love the farm, and we're just thankful to visit once in a while.  (...Going back next weekend to visit with my brother Joe and his family who will be there visiting from Germany.)

Adieu

Adieu...but not for long.  We're sort of on vacation for a week.  Tomorrow I drive the kids to Juniper to spend the week with my parents...

Then I drive home and Tim and I leave for (drum roll please)...

Oklahoma City, Oklahoma...

(I can imagine the stunned silence.)

And did you know it's still technically tornado season?  But I checked the weather forecast and there's only a few days of thunder storms while we're there...thunder storms, not tornados.

As you all know, Tim has been traveling a lot this year.  His last trip (at least until fall) is to Oklahoma...

Turns out it's spring break...

Voila!  Vacation...  Again, sort of.  Tim and I in the same place at the same time...  That qualifies, right?