Lonely But Not Alone

I teach a class of 8-10 year old girls in primary.  I told them today they are never alone, and even when they think they're all alone, there will always be someone there, and we talked about how that is true in our lives.

Earlier today I was feeling lonely.  We were leaving to take some things to Ruth, Nick and Audrey's graves.

Tim was at work.

Extended family may as well have been a thousand miles away.

Teens and pre-teens (including Joie) were busy.  When I pushed Joie to get ready to go with me I was told...

"It's too cold..."

"I don't want to change..."

"I need to finish my report..."

Then finally, "In just a few more minutes, Mom!"

And of course once we were on our way, we were fine...me in my loneliness, and Joie seizing the opportunity for alone time...

She needs a white t-shirt for school on Tuesday.

Her class play is on Wednesday.

"And Mom, do people ever marry someone they knew in high school?  ...Or junior high?"  (Like that's not a loaded question!  Of course I wanted to jump in asking what his name was, but I didn't...at least not right away, but when we got around to it she wasn't shy to say...)

And before we knew it we were in Cedar Fort, and found that we really weren't alone.  My parents had already been to the graves a few days earlier on their way to Richfield and left flowers.  We added the flags and the frogs.  (Totally random on the frogs, I know.  Just go with it.)

Then there was this annoyingly cute beagle (emphasis on annoying) that bugs us whenever we're there, and wants to personally sniff inspect every thing we ever take to the cemetery...  There's a joke now that if we believed in reincarnation, the beagle would be Audrey.

Beagle...not looking so annoying here, but trust me!

Little by little, I wasn't feeling so lonely.  It was a good day for looking up, so I did...

Then I looked around me at the cemetery and saw all the other people who were there doing the same thing we were doing--paying tribute, and probably also doing their own share of looking up...

Then there was that song on the radio--a song from their funeral.  What are the chances that would happen right then?

Then that evening my parents stopped by on their way home from Richfield and we talked forever and ever about families, and love, and life.

Which probably made us all a little lonely.  (What we wouldn't give for a Ruth hug on days like today.)  But it felt a little good to remember and think about where we are now, and to think about what we do have.  We are blessed.

And not forgotten or far from our thoughts are those who give all so we can enjoy what we do enjoy.

Power Kicker

 Trust me...  It's hard to find a more powerful kick than the one in these feet!

In her 3rd soccer season since she's been in our family, Gabby was on fire!  She scored a total of 7 goals (I think...we kind of lost track.)  And if she kicks, you better back up.  One time one of the other coaches kept telling his girls, "You better back up!  That one has a leg!"

There she is...SHE ROCKS!

Tonight was her final game of the season and she scored on a kick from mid-field.  She's already sad that the season is over.  I think she needs a season in between seasons.  Can't wait for fall!

Go Gabby!

(Photos courtesy of Megan!)

To My Amazing Happy Girls, I Love You, I Do!

This afternoon was Joie and Megan's spring singing concert...actually them and about 30 other budding vocalists.  Great performances, all of them!  I'll be quiet now and let their performances speak for themselves...

Joie singing "Happy Girl" by Martina McBride:

...By the way, Joie had laryngitis this week, and has worked hard to preserve and restore those amazing pipes for today.  The most interesting home remedy we heard about...white bean sprout and lemon juice broth.  Anyone know where to get white bean sprouts?  We seriously would have tried it if we could have found them.

And now...the amazing Megan singing "I Love You, I Do" by Jennifer Hudson

And Megan's soccer team just finished their season last night with only 2 losses.  We'll take it!

Good job girls.  You rock!!!

Sixteen

Reality check:  I have a 16 year old.

What a ride!  Way back in the day when it was just me tagging around with him I was pretty sure nothing could have prepared me for the strange mix of awesomeness and stress that I came to know as parenting.  I was just learning about my mom instincts then, and dismissed the feeling I was having that his life would be challenging.  It was difficult to look at those blonde curls and bright blue eyes and imagine anything but bliss.

And thankfully there has been bliss along his challenging road of life...but those challenges I knew instinctively would follow him did.

A few years ago what seemed like just a year of really poor health turned into an autoimmune nightmare, and lead eventually to the diagnosis of PANDAS.  (See here for more information on PANDAS.)  Ours was a relatively short (6 month) road to diagnosis and treatment, and I remember reading everything I could about this condition, including phrases like "debilitating," and "encephalitic-like symptoms."  I remember the curled up withdrawn child who seldom left the couch, and the hours and hours spent in the school counselor's office trying to explain to them that what we were seeing wasn't my son...  And I remember the poor-social-work-mom-who-can't-admit-her-son-has-a-problem look on their faces as we tried without success to get accommodations in place that would help him.  I also remember feeling incredibly thankful for simple things like antibiotics, and doctors who would pursue treatment of a condition which (at the time) was still a little of a gray area.  I remember what it felt like to see my son come back after being lost in the catatonic fog he'd been in for months, and the subsequent years of challenges climbing back from neurological darkness.

Fast forward to 2012...  A few mornings ago I went downstairs to wake him up.  As I walked into his room it hit me that the constantly growing mound of human being that was buried under blankets in my house would only be there for a few more years.  I just stood there for a minute before waking him up (don't tell him), and committed that moment to memory...  The tilt of his head, the mashed hair, the toes sticking out the end of the blanket...even the stinky teen boy room smell.  

Seriously, I can't believe he's mine.  I texted Tim (who left for work this morning before I woke up) and said, "I can't believe we have a 16 year old!"  

He texted back, "Yes, and he is a great kid."  

And he is.  

And we are blessed parents who are celebrating a little more this year than other years because in Nate's life there is a lot to celebrate this year...  Like pushing himself to do this...

Cross Country

...Which was brutal for him because he started out with leg problems, but persisted, and now Megan can't even keep up with him on their runs.

Then there was dragging mom into his brutal world of wrestling (see here and here).  

Then soccer...  (See here.)  And as it turns out, after the extra help in the beginning of the season, Nate went on to score a total of 6 goals for the year.

And scouts, and church, and even youth leadership training (Silver Moccasin)...

And driving and hanging out...

And happy tears (mine) through all the above.

...Not because of anything exceptional, but because this can-do kid, who seemed a few years ago to have lost it all, never gave up.  

Have you ever thought how amazing it is to see the human body in motion?  Or to see a mind engaged and excited about learning and activities?  And I'm more than a little impressed when he walks down the hall and grabs the chin-up bar and pulls himself up...over and over and over.  Trust me.  The human machine is a miracle, and a healed human machine is even more miraculous.

So, so, so much to celebrate...

Moms

Mother's Day is approaching, and I had this big plan in my head to do a mother's day series this year like I did last year, but like so many of my big plans, this one stayed in my head, and hasn't materialized, even though Mother's Day is only a few days away.

Instead, I'm going to support recycling by linking back to the Mother's Day series from last year...

Because the longer I'm a mom (or maybe just the longer that I'm alive) the more I know one thing for sure:  I'm getting perfect at being not perfect.  (But don't tell my kids...)

So here it is:

Mommy Musings (how I've evolved as a mom and in my thinking about what it means to be a mom)

Mothering in Seasons (important lessons about not being able to do it all)

Every Woman is a Mother (thoughts about nurturing qualities of women)

Moms of Special Needs Children (with link to the neglected blog on my counseling practice website highlighting a post about moms of special needs children...  And seriously, if you know a mom of a special needs child, give her the gift of your time and support!)

All About Birth Mothers (thoughts about the important people who give roots to children so that other mothers can give them wings)

Also, over the course of this year, I've come to know another mom who stumbled across this blog and started corresponding with me.  Her story about being a step-mom touched me, and in spite of a very busy year (having a baby, being a mom, step-parent, and going to school) she managed to send me a great post about step parenting that I'll post later.

Thanks, moms for all you do, and especially for the imperfect way in which you are willing to do it!  Really...I have to plug imperfection.  It's a great goal that frees us from the perfect ideal and lets us just be ourselves, and there is no greater gift to our kiddos than to just be ourselves.

Happy Mother's Day!

(Image credit)

Playing Catch-up

Life happens so fast!  I know I'll never catch up, but for a few of the bullet points...
Nate finished his soccer season...and he drives, a lot. I have to add that he drives mostly with Tim, because apparently I have PTSD after the whole garage door incident...

I always pictured myself as calm, cool, and collected teaching my kids to drive, but I'm struggling with this one.  He's a good driver (in spite of how the garage door looks), and I did drive with him the first time he drove on the freeway (from Snowville, Utah across the Utah/Idaho border to Juniper, Idaho.)  

(Photos by Megan...from the back seat)

...So I'm not exactly sure how I went from ok to scared about his driving.  For now I'm just ok letting Tim do it, but today I went along for the ride...

Baby steps for mom...or back hand springs, which ever comes first.  (See here for more about back hand springs.)

He'll be 16 in 10 days...  And to the adorable girls who keep texting him:  I'm that kind of parent who does random text checks, so "hey baby," and "morning hon" don't escape my eyes.  (I know, I know...  He's growing up...)

And Megan...star keeper of the Gladiators, musical genius, and friend extraordinaire...  Would it surprise you to hear that sweet Megan has perfected the art of eye rolling and irritated sigh when asked to do anything out of the above 3 preferred categories?  (Truth:  She's an amazing kid.  Amazing!  ...More on her later, I'm sure because she's got some big games coming as well as a spring concert.

Jeran just finished a school play (Twinderella).  He rocks as an actor...really puts his heart into it.  He even sang his solo (a few keys higher than planned because he's fighting the teen voice change).  He also recently cleaned the bathroom without being asked (it happened right after he heard that one of Megan's friends was spending the night while her mom was out of town).  Hmmmmm.....  I'm keeping that in mind for future motivation.

Bad photo...great play

Joie, Joie, Joie...  Love that girl!  She's singing all the time now, and babysitting and working hard on a project for church...more later for her too.

And my cute, cute Gabby girl!  She rocks at soccer.  You should see her kick...and she scored 3 goals in the last game (which at our house means 3 days without having to do jobs...we may be re-thinking that motivator).  It's amazing to see her so new to the game and really starting to get it.  She was good last year, but she's lost her fear and can really go for it this year.  I love her games.  And I love her heart even more.  She's a friend to all.  She thinks of the most amazing things, and loves to help others.  Oh, and her iTouch broke.  The screen cracked.  (Sniff, sniff, cheer!)  Did I really just say that?  Just kidding, Gabby!  And did you know she's also a make-up artist?

Make-up courtesy of Gabby

We also got a new faucet when ours exploded one day right as we were leaving to go to Idaho.  Still on the to-do/to buy list is floors, bathrooms, dryer, downstairs couches, garden, yard, laundry pile...and a new dryer which would help a lot with the laundry pile.  ...And a million other things that never get finished.

And remember earlier this month when I said I'd say more about the time the kids got to spend in Idaho with grandparents while Tim and I were in Oklahoma?  At this point that just isn't going to happen, but here's a link to my mom's blog for that week with some pictures.  (See here.)

Told you it happens fast.  Anyone have a slow motion button?

Back Hand Springs

One of my little clients and her younger sisters experienced some family trauma this last year, and have been in therapy.  They're all three in gymnastics, and several months ago, their mother told me the the oldest girl had "lost her back hand spring."  

Trauma is so interesting in how it can eat away at the inner strength of it's victims.  It takes away what could be strong and makes it fearful and uncertain.

But this little girl didn't give up, and after some amazing family work on the issues around the trauma, this little girl was happy to tell me this week that she got her back hand spring back!  After the session we went out to the lawn behind my building and she and her sisters demonstrated their amazing gymnastic abilities.  Sure enough...back hand spring.

Next, while her courage was high, she decided to try another really complicated move that requires landing blind (if I was more into gymnastics, I'd tell you the name, but I don't remember).  She had only ever landed it once before.  She landed it perfectly.

As aware as we all are of the mind-body connection, it is always amazing to see it in action, both what it takes away and what it gives back.  

I don't do gymnastics, but I've been thinking a lot lately about my own back hand spring equivalents...things I find difficult and lose courage to attempt.

My new goal is to not let life beat those things out of me...

Fear is crazy that way.  It doesn't just make us uncertain.  It literally takes away choices...choices to do, to be, and to live.  Sometimes we face the future with uncertainty and are ok with how things are.  Giving up the comfort of the familiar for the the unknown can be unsettling, especially when many times the familiar seems good enough.  But what if that idea was rephrased just a little and we thought instead about giving up the comfort of the familiar for the privilege of a life of freedom and possibilities?  

Back hand springs anyone?