I am Mary's son,Jeran I found her blog the other day and now she let's me write blogs on it with her permisson.(Wow I've gotten this far already!)
:)this is cool!
Monday, December 31, 2007
Sunday, December 30, 2007
Getting Through Grief
This post was added in 2011, and the date was changed so it wouldn't appear in general blog view.
Grief is an ongoing process, and I can't say enough how it's an individual and personal journey. However, a lot of people who've been there agree there are things that help...
Like lots and lots and lots of support.
To other families going through any kind of loss, I’d say, make sure you have great support. To professionals, I’d say make sure the families you work with have a support system, or can build a support system. No one should go through this journey without support, and yet many times primary support systems are cut off through death or loss. To further complicate matters, in loss, it's normal to want to cut yourself off from people, because it’s hard to share and explain what you’re going through. When you are open to support, you will find that people can give support in their own way. Some people will understand, and can listen. Other people will be good at helping. Others are good at saying the right thing at the right moment. Others are validating. Let everyone help in their own way.
And don't forget the self-care!
Find ways to take care of yourself. Take breaks, even small ones. Sometimes that’s all there is. I felt like it was difficult to take time for myself when the list of needs and demands of my children was endless, but I knew I had to do it. I learned to take advantage of breaks whenever and wherever I could. I remember even finding quiet corners of the hospital while my children were attending grief groups to just read, write, think, and even cry. Some days breaks were in the form of a lazy day around the house. Other times, I’d just work in the yard, or read. Once Tim and I had a “date” eating dinner at the hospital cafeteria while our children were in their grief group. Another time my husband and his brother who lost his wife arranged for all of our girls to go to a concert while I took all the boys to a corn maze. It was so great to see them all forget for a little while about tragedy, and just be kids again. We learned from this, and continued to find ways to let our kids be kids, and that in itself was a break. Another time one of my sisters and her husband offered to stay overnight with our children while Tim and I got away. It was hard on them, but our children got to spend time with cousins, and it never felt so good to sleep in!
Once again, everyone has to grieve in their own way. It’s a process. Healing is also a process, one which I now see as a journey rather than a destination. And healing isn’t all about grief. It’s also about joy in little things and is enriched by appreciating how fragile life can be, and realizing that new memories and experiences are just as real as the loss. Healing is more about how you live through grief than forgetting the pain or being better. We’ve learned that as life goes on, so do we. We grieve; we love; we cry; we laugh; we celebrate; we pray; we live; we heal.
Grief is an ongoing process, and I can't say enough how it's an individual and personal journey. However, a lot of people who've been there agree there are things that help...
Like lots and lots and lots of support.
To other families going through any kind of loss, I’d say, make sure you have great support. To professionals, I’d say make sure the families you work with have a support system, or can build a support system. No one should go through this journey without support, and yet many times primary support systems are cut off through death or loss. To further complicate matters, in loss, it's normal to want to cut yourself off from people, because it’s hard to share and explain what you’re going through. When you are open to support, you will find that people can give support in their own way. Some people will understand, and can listen. Other people will be good at helping. Others are good at saying the right thing at the right moment. Others are validating. Let everyone help in their own way.
And don't forget the self-care!
Find ways to take care of yourself. Take breaks, even small ones. Sometimes that’s all there is. I felt like it was difficult to take time for myself when the list of needs and demands of my children was endless, but I knew I had to do it. I learned to take advantage of breaks whenever and wherever I could. I remember even finding quiet corners of the hospital while my children were attending grief groups to just read, write, think, and even cry. Some days breaks were in the form of a lazy day around the house. Other times, I’d just work in the yard, or read. Once Tim and I had a “date” eating dinner at the hospital cafeteria while our children were in their grief group. Another time my husband and his brother who lost his wife arranged for all of our girls to go to a concert while I took all the boys to a corn maze. It was so great to see them all forget for a little while about tragedy, and just be kids again. We learned from this, and continued to find ways to let our kids be kids, and that in itself was a break. Another time one of my sisters and her husband offered to stay overnight with our children while Tim and I got away. It was hard on them, but our children got to spend time with cousins, and it never felt so good to sleep in!
Once again, everyone has to grieve in their own way. It’s a process. Healing is also a process, one which I now see as a journey rather than a destination. And healing isn’t all about grief. It’s also about joy in little things and is enriched by appreciating how fragile life can be, and realizing that new memories and experiences are just as real as the loss. Healing is more about how you live through grief than forgetting the pain or being better. We’ve learned that as life goes on, so do we. We grieve; we love; we cry; we laugh; we celebrate; we pray; we live; we heal.
Healing
This post was added in 2011 and backdated so it wouldn't appear in general blog view.
Healing has happened gradually, and is still happening. I’m realizing that in some ways, we’ll always be healing. I’m thankful for a strong family, and great support. At the same time, there were times we felt isolated and alone. It was difficult for people to understand so much loss, and difficult to keep hearing people ask how we were doing, or to hear, “She’s so lucky to have you.” I never felt bitter about people saying awkward things because I knew people meant well. It was just another indicator that few people knew what we were experiencing. I did appreciate that they were trying to support us in any way they could. Even family sometimes didn’t understand. They wanted to help but didn’t always know how. In reality, no one could help. Healing was a journey we had to get through together, and as we did, we became a family, and the adjustment problems lessened, and gradually we started making new memories.
We all still miss the family members we lost. Sometimes out of the blue grief hits and it feels as real as the day we lost them. I’ll see little girls that are the age Joie’s sister would be if she was still living and wonder what she’d be like if she was still here. Holidays, birthdays, and school programs aren’t the same. I’m always aware as I am enjoying those events with Joie, that I’d rather be sharing that joy with the people she loved, who would be there with her if we weren’t there. But we do appreciate the days and years we have together, and the people we love. We treasure time with family and friends. We live healthier lives. We work harder to show kindness to those around us. We make choices based on family and relationship priorities, knowing time isn’t infinite.
We all still miss the family members we lost. Sometimes out of the blue grief hits and it feels as real as the day we lost them. I’ll see little girls that are the age Joie’s sister would be if she was still living and wonder what she’d be like if she was still here. Holidays, birthdays, and school programs aren’t the same. I’m always aware as I am enjoying those events with Joie, that I’d rather be sharing that joy with the people she loved, who would be there with her if we weren’t there. But we do appreciate the days and years we have together, and the people we love. We treasure time with family and friends. We live healthier lives. We work harder to show kindness to those around us. We make choices based on family and relationship priorities, knowing time isn’t infinite.
better day
Today was much improved over yesterday. I think I'll start letting the kids write in here because they can be so creative. We got to church on time today...well, ok...we walked in while the opening song was just starting). Tim and Nate came in a little later. Tim and I listened to Megan give her talk in primary (Jeran gave the prayer). This afternoon we all just hung out together--Tim slept recovering from his mid-shift.
Today I am thankful for family, for the gospel, and for tender mercies of our Heavenly Father, especially his guidance through a very difficult year. Family has taken on new meaning as we see ours change, and as we have felt the support and faith of other family members, both Jarmans and Campbells. I am also very thankful for a husband who isn't afraid to help. Today I was remembering my call to him when the accident happened. I don't even remember what I said, but I remember his response. He wanted to know if I was ok driving up to the hospital to meet DJ, and let me know he was on his way. He didn't even hesitate. Tonight I told him our neighbor broke his ankle and is at home over the holidays while his wife and children are in Hawaii (thier families both live in Hawaii). He instantly picked up the phone and called to find out how he could help. Then when this man said he couldn't think of anything he needed, Tim called the Elder's Quarom president to find out if there was something he could do to help. And he even cooks, does dishes, and washes windows! :-)
Today I am thankful for family, for the gospel, and for tender mercies of our Heavenly Father, especially his guidance through a very difficult year. Family has taken on new meaning as we see ours change, and as we have felt the support and faith of other family members, both Jarmans and Campbells. I am also very thankful for a husband who isn't afraid to help. Today I was remembering my call to him when the accident happened. I don't even remember what I said, but I remember his response. He wanted to know if I was ok driving up to the hospital to meet DJ, and let me know he was on his way. He didn't even hesitate. Tonight I told him our neighbor broke his ankle and is at home over the holidays while his wife and children are in Hawaii (thier families both live in Hawaii). He instantly picked up the phone and called to find out how he could help. Then when this man said he couldn't think of anything he needed, Tim called the Elder's Quarom president to find out if there was something he could do to help. And he even cooks, does dishes, and washes windows! :-)
Saturday, December 29, 2007
Busy day!
It's late on December 29, 2007. My day started at 4:30 a.m. when I got up to drive to Ogden to meet Becky and Larry on thier way to Penrose, Colorado, where my other sister, Esther, and her husband, Phil and their 4 children are moving this week. My dad and youngest brother, Mike are also there helping. When I got home I was tired and slept until around 9:00 a.m., which is probably why I'm not sleeping right now. We've done a lot around the house this week--taking down Christmas, cleaning, organizing, etc. Tonight the kids were tired from a sleep-over they had with cousins (Ben, Sam and Jessie) earlier this week. Needless to say, bedtime was ugly. It breaks my heart to see my kids go through the adjustments our family is going through right now. Death is tuff to experience, even for adults, and here they are, not only experiencing death, but also experiencing huge adjustments in our family with the addition of DJ. For me, the loss has been tuff, but watching them experience this change and loss is the most difficult thing I've had to experience as a mother. I pray for them and know we're all doing the best we can. We hope for a better day tomorrow, and a year of healing in 2008.
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