Just Because

Three times today kids mentioned me blogging.  Why?  Because even though I said I would, I haven't (much), so here it is kids...  The updated blog post.

Today is Memorial Day.  I have so much admiration in my heart for the men and women who serve our country.  I also can't think of this day without remembering the family members we love and miss.

A friend said on facebook today that she was thankful not only for those who served and loved their country, but also for those who served and loved their families.  I loved that.  I struggle to convey the meaning of this day in honoring our military, but also in honoring all our loved ones who have died, and that said it perfectly.  Thank heaven for those who serve and love their families.

Of course today found us in Cedar Fort.  Joie worked hard over the weekend on a few crafts she wanted to take out there for the graves.  One idea was three painted bottles that were supposed to be topped with solar lights to light up the graves at night.  (I think her mom, who loved cute things, and her dad, the geek, would have both been proud.)  However, we didn't find solar lights to fit the tops of the bottles, so maybe later...  (But probably not...long story.)

She also made this whirly-gig wind chime.  She tied all the spoons on the paper plate, and painted them...pretty cute, Joie!  As soon as we hung it up, it started spinning.  (Probably Audrey having some fun.)

When we arrived, the cemetery was full of people.  It looked like a Memorial Day program was just finishing up.  The Cedar Fort cemetery is a small town cemetery, and everyone seemed to know everyone else...except us.  So we walked quietly in and set up Joie's hand made wind chime.

After only being there for a minute, a man approached us.  He showed us where the grass was dying from having snow sit on it so long in the spring, then told us that he has been taking care of these graves, and trying to get the grass to grow back.

Cedar Fort cemetery is not maintained by anyone except the families whose loved ones are buried there.  We're pretty free to put what we want on or near the graves, and there is a lot of variety as you walk through the cemetery.  After Ruth, Nick, and Audrey died, the graves had no sod or anything growing around them.  We weren't sure what we'd do to the graves (some there are sodded, and some are not).  Sod sounded great, but we were so overwhelmed with all the other details of Joie's life and loss, and the estate that we couldn't even think about it then.  

We noticed, though, that each time we went to Cedar Fort, there was something new or different by the graves.  One day we arrived to find the graves sodded.  We asked around, but couldn't find out who did it.  

Over the years, we've seen people leave a lot of things at the graves.  We know we aren't the only ones who loved Ruth, Nick, and Audrey, but we haven't known who it is that cares so much for the graves.  Or who waters the grass.  (There isn't a sprinkling system out there.)  Sometimes we've seen signs and cards posted, and flowers.  Once we even got there to find some solar lights in the ground next to the graves.  

Mostly, we've wanted to thank the person caring for their graves.  Then today, there he was, standing in front of us.  We introduced ourselves, and I'm pretty sure he didn't think that was really Joie standing there in front of him.  Instantly, I was thanking him, and told him we didn't know all this time who had been caring for these graves, but deeply appreciated his generosity.  He made it sound like it wasn't a big deal, but he cared so much about the grass, and how it was growing, and the graves, we knew that this was more to him.  

He kept minimizing what he's done there, telling us how he just took care of the graves because he knew what happened, and because the graves were next to his family's graves.  He told us how he met my mom and dad once when they were out there, but in all these years, our paths hadn't crossed.  The next thing he said was kind of funny.  "Who put up those solar lights?" he asked us.  Then without pausing for an answer, he said, "They sure are a pain to mow around."  Of course we didn't know how they got there, but we took them down for him.  

He came and went, talking to us, and to other people he would see and want to go talk to.  His wife stood beside us the whole time, and commented on how beautiful and amazing Joie was, and how she couldn't believe this was the same little girl.  A few times we all shared tears.  People are amazing.  I'm so thankful they've been there...our own little cemetery gardner and guardian angel for the graves of our loved ones.

Today I really am thankful for all those who serve...  No act of service is small.  Maybe it was "just because" we were next to his family's graves, or because he'd heard what happened and somehow wanted to help out, or because he has a kind heart.  Either way, he has given care in ways we couldn't, during times our hearts were too burdened to even make a small decision like when and how to sod graves.  Heroes like him need medals too.

The Day My Almost 17 Year Old Waved At Me

Let today forever be known as the day my almost 17 year old son waved at me.

In public.

But kind of in the privacy of the car.

I'm into sentimentality lately (just in case you didn't already notice).  I think the idea of knowing I have a limited amount of time with my kids all under one roof has me seeing through a different lens.

Which is why I'm blogging about my almost 17 year old waving at me.

I had finished work.  Tim had already left for work, and Nate (who needed the car earlier to get to and from his job) had dropped me off for a few evening appointments and was now picking me up.  (I love being chauffeured and not doing the chauffeuring.)  Then it happened.  As I walked out the front door of the building and toward the car, I saw this super happy smiling teenager sitting behind the steering wheel waving to me like he was 3 years old again.  (But back then he also would have come running at me...  Not complaining though.  I'll take a happy wave.)

Never mind that 20 seconds later, the beautiful moment was interrupted by siblings complaining about each other.

And never mind that by 10:00 tonight Nate's constant happy mood was driving me a bit nuts...  (Makes me want to ask who he's taking to Prom.)

And never mind that he taught his sister an acronym that includes a swear word and she's highly offended that neither of us will tell her what it means...

And never mind that he drove to the store and bought a Dr. Pepper at 9:00 p.m. when it would have been nice to have him sleeping by 10:00 or so...

Ahhhhhhh.....  Sentimentality.

Back on the Bottom Bunk...

Joie and Gabby have been sharing a room since last summer.  They're real-life frenemies.  I wish I could slip a recorder in their room one day just to get in on all the conversations they have.  I love that they can talk...and yell (but I don't love that part).

They take turns (odd/even nights) deciding if the door is open or shut, and turning off the light.  This was decided because of nightly arguments about the light and door.  Now it's peaceful.  Mostly.  Until somehow the other night it wasn't.  This is a real conversation that took place between them a few nights ago...

Keep in mind, I didn't hear the conversation until it escalated, at which point I heard something like this:

Joie:  Gabby!  You have to turn off the light.

Gabby:  If you want it off, you turn it off.

Joie:  No!  I had to turn it off when I was on the bottom bunk, so now you have to turn it off.

Gabby:  You're an idiot.

Me:  (in my best calm neutral, not-intervening in their argument voice)  Gabby, we don't call names.  You get an extra job.

Gabby:  No, wait.  Let me explain...  (Insert lengthy explanation of how Joie made her get off the top bunk to turn off the light so she was just doing the same thing.)

Me:  You two get to work that part out, but we don't call names.  (Somehow that made them both hate this family, because apparently being in a family where name calling was ok would have been sooooo much better right then.)

Fast forward an hour (really a few minutes, maybe even seconds, but I'm going for dramatic effect).

Gabby:  I'm sleeping with the light on.

Joie:  Well, I'm not.

Gabby:  Then turn it off yourself.

Joie:  I don't have to.

Silence.

Silence.

Silence.

Silence.

Silence.

Joie:  Gabby!  I said I wasn't turning off the light.

Silence.

Silence.

Silence.

Silence.

Silence.

Joie:  You're a big, fat idiot.

Me:  (Voice no longer so calm and neutral)  Joie!  What did I just say?!?  Now you have an extra job too.

Joie:  Mom!  That's not  fair!  You always listen to Gabby.  You always give her what she wants.

Gabby:  Ha!

Joie:  See?  She's such a baby.  Always.  Gets.  What.  She.  Wants.  

Me:  (attempting the calm, neutral voice again)  Joie, I know you don't want more jobs.  No name calling.  (And so on, and so on, and so on...)

At some point I got frustrated and gave up on not getting involved in the argument.

Me:  You have two minutes to turn off the light.  If it's not off in two minutes, I'm taking out the
lightbulb and you won't even have a light.

Light was turned out.  End of story.  Joie even got off the top bunk to do it.

End of commentary...on to the real story.

They switched Gabby back to bottom bunk at my request.  My Gabby girl hasn't been sleeping very well.  She's having nightmares again, so I've been doing essential oils with her at bedtime to help her sleep.  (Yes, we've jumped on the essential oils bandwagon.)  I told her it would be easier to rub them on her feet if she was on the bottom bunk.  The next day they switched.  (Exhibit A of how they also can work together.)

Tonight Gabby said, "Mommy, read me a story.  It doesn't have to be a chapter book.  Just a short book."  

And can you believe I said no?  But that was at first, before I had the thought a few seconds later that one day my house would be quiet at night, with no one asking me to read them a story, so I did.

I read her the story of her adoption day, and she loved it.  Especially the part about doing push-ups in the court house withe dad while we waited, and the part about the sibling slumber party in the living room that night.

And I'm writing it all down so someday when my house is quiet, I'll remember those little voices who needed me.  I'm sure I'll still wish they were here.  I need to remember that on those busy, do-ing kind of days.

Mom, Why Aren't You Blogging Anymore?

For some reason, the subject of our family blog has been a topic of conversation around our house lately...

And then the question:  Mom, why aren't you blogging anymore?  

To which I reply...  (sound of crickets chirping)

At one point, it was just because my health was horrible and I just didn't have it in me, but I honestly don't have a good reason anymore.  Illness has passed...  Health is returning...  The catch up game is calming down...  

So here I go again.  For real.  

When our children were younger, I kept a family journal.  When I figured out blogging, this became our family journal.  When our children were younger, they liked reading out of our family journal.  Mostly, it made us laugh.  It was also fun to see the growth and changes.  I know they all check our blog, even now that they're older, but I didn't know they missed it.   

So for the updates: 

Nate:  Knee injury, which I think I may have already mentioned...  Healing...  Not healing...  Surgery...  No Surgery...  And then finally, surgery today.  I promised I wouldn't post the requisite hospital gown pics, even though he was just sitting in bed waiting to go into surgery when I snapped the photo.  Actually, he did say I could include the picture, but I think he also said I'd have to pay him $50.00 or something like that.  He told Tim $10.00.  Sheesh!  Does he think he's a movie star?  The picture posted was actually one I took of him right after his injury--back in December. As far as I know, there are no royalties imposed for that picture.

But about the surgery:  It was torn cartilage...and a piece of cartilage floating around in his knee.  The pain around his ACL was actually a ganglion cyst on the bone near his ACL, which they don't do much about unless it is specifically causing pain.  There was also some other inflammation and signs of a pretty traumatic knee injury that was trying to heal.  They'll start physical therapy again in a few weeks.

Meanwhile, he hopes every day we find a car for him to drive...  We're looking.  We may have found something.  I hope so.  (But he can't drive for a few weeks anyway, so the pressure is off for now.)

He's also got a job now.  He works at Arctic Circle.  In his own words, "I'm Sponge Bob,"  (which really means he's a fry cook).  The newness of the job wore off enough for him to brave just one more interview at an auto mechanic shop, which is perfect for Nate.  It sounds like he got the job, so he may be moving up from Sponge Bob to...not sure which character I should insert here, but picture someone helping out around a mechanic shop...cleaning up, running errands, changing oil, etc.  That's his new gig.

Megan:  In a word, "sports."  And singing.  And friends.  But mostly sports.  Basketball season is over, but she wanted to make it longer, and wishes there was enough time to have eternal soccer and basketball seasons.  Soccer has started with the first two games being cancelled, third being played in the rain, followed by a week of coughing and sore throat, and another game scheduled to play in the rain/snow tomorrow.   She loves her comp team, but has outgrown them, which means a lot of team try-outs in the near future.  She's awesome.

And friends...  She'd probably also do that 24/7 if she could.  I love that this girl doesn't ever get sucked into the drama of teen life.  

And singing...  I think we're the only carpool where the ukelele is preferred to the radio.  (Some days it's both, but usually that makes the driver (moi) a bit nuts so we try to limit ourselves to one music source at a time.)  Megan and her BFF who carpools with us both love to sing, and now they both have ukeleles.  It's a sing-along carpool.  Mostly everyone else is ok with that.  

At home she sings too.  All the time.  Most parents threaten to take away iPods or phones if kids don't do homework or chores, but with Megan I have to take away the ukelele.  (Although she did go through some minor withdrawal symptoms when she left her iPod on the game bus one day and couldn't find it until the next week.)

And she loves photography (see above self-portriat).  She is saving for an expensive camera.  She's almost there.  Go Megan!

And she said something really amazing today, and made my day.  She said all her friends say their parents don't listen to them, and she told them she can talk to her parents.  (Huge smile.)  She also said, "Yeah,  my mom's a therapist."  Apparently you need a degree to talk to kids.  (Tim is just awesome enough to do it without a degree.) 

Jeran:  Just to explain the picture...  Jeran has had some asthma problems this winter.  We thought asthma was behind him, but over the last year and a half it's back.  Usually he's ok, but he got a cold that kept him from going camping over spring break with the scouts...  Apparently breathing is that important.  Later that day we ended up in the doctor's office getting a nebulizer treatment, which he hasn't had since he was about 2 years old, and didn't remember at all.  When the nurse gave him the tube that was spewing funky nebulizer mist, he looked at me and said, "Mom, this doesn't feel legal."  Yes, he's that funny all the time.

He actually left earlier today for a speech festival.  They're staying in Cedar City overnight.  He's in a play next week...The Importance of Being Earnest.  He's the butler.  And he needs a tuxedo shirt and bow tie.  I found a bow tie on Amazon, but I don't want to pay for a tuxedo shirt.  Anyone have one we can borrow?

This kid is constantly a whirlwind of activity.  If it's  not something with school, it's friends.  And he has awesome friends.  One day earlier this year, I was going into the high school with my arms full.  Instantly, three students rushed the doors and held them open for me.  They were Jeran's friends.

He's also into all things geek.  But he's not a geek.  (Really, he's not.)  But he can't wait for next weeks release of Iron Man 3.  I think he has tickets for the midnight showing when it's released.

He's taller than me and stronger than me and smarter than me and he knows it.  And he's great at getting things done so he has time for friends and fun...  And I'm sure he thinks Nate is a better chauffeur than Tim or I because Nate will stop anywhere.  I know there are stories upon stories I don't even know about their time together...just between brothers I guess.  I hope one day they'll tell me (someday when removing privileges is no longer an option).  Meanwhile, I just tell myself that they're just kidding and that really there is nothing that happens on their outings that they wouldn't share with me, because it makes me feel better when I tell myself that.  And "in my world everyone's a pony and they all eat rainbows and poop butterflies."  (credit:  Dr. Seuss)

Joie:  Once upon a time there was a mom who was happy with three beautiful children.  Then unexpectedly one day, a little girl who knew hurt and loneliness beyond belief came into that mom's life, and showed her the joy of living (joie de vivre).  That girl is Joie.  (The picture is her with her cousin, Kedric, who is named after Joie's dad.)

She was also in a play at school.  She was a patient in an insane asylum who thought she was in an army.  She got to dress in camouflage and carry a fake weapon.  (Yes, even in school...  Don't tell anyone.)

And here's a really funny story.  Joie is fearless.  That's F-e-a-r-l-e-s-s with a capital F.  And flirty.  Also with a capital F.  On second thought, I won't tell the story.  (But if you ask, I'll tell you.)  But the other funny part of the story was this...  A few days after she was gutsy and fearless and asked a guy to be her Valentine, Tim was driving the kids to school and stopped at the store for donuts (because he's cool and awesome like that...insert picture of upset mom).  Joie's valentine was also at the store.  Tim rolled down the window and called his name.  Yes, really.  Because he's gutsy and fearless like Joie, but it turns out when dad is being gutsy and fearless, children are usually embarrassed and humiliated.  Ok, maybe not humiliated, but embarrassed.  And possibly he lost a few cool and awesome points also.

Other amazing things this girls does:  She's a brainiac.  The straight A kind of brainiac.  And she recently started Tae Kwon Do.  Her older cousin, Adrienne, was here for the week over spring break.  She knew of a gym through a friend here in Utah where she could attend training/workouts for a week. They let Joie and Gabby join with Adrienne, and they got hooked.  She broke boards last week.  Don't mess with her. And another funny story...  Son of the TKD master goes to Joie's school and had just been hitting on Joie and her friend.  He walked into the gym one day toward the end of a workout, and was probably super surprised to see her there.  (And I thought of all kinds of things I wanted to say to him, but didn't.)

And she's a good person.  She recently had a friend tell her she was too happy.  Life isn't without challenges, for sure.  There are still moments of missing the people who loved her before this little girl came into our life, but she knows genuine happiness also.  She is strong, and a good friend who listens and understands.  I told her tonight when we were talking about girl drama, "You don't sweat the small stuff because you know there are bigger problems in the world."  And it's true (unless the small stuff is with siblings.  She still knows how to push those buttons.)

Gabby:  This picture is for Grandma Campbell.  She is wrapped in a baby blanket made by grandma.  My mom made blankets for all our kids when they were babies.  Recently she realized she didn't get to do this for Gabby, or for two other grand children who were adopted from foster care by my sister.  She asked them about colors and styles, and a few weeks later, the blankets came in the mail.  Apparently Grandma blankets bring joy at all ages.  I tried to get her to save them somewhere special for her kids, but for now, they're her reading blankets in her room.

And she's caught up almost completely in school.  She pushes herself every day.  She never misses homework, and I don't have to remind her.  She wants to be a doctor when she grows up, or play professional soccer.  She and a friend recently made their life plan:  Live together when they go to college, and play soccer in college, then be professional soccer players, then doctors.  And never get married.

And she rocks at soccer, and being a friend.  Gabby got sucked into some friend drama at school this year, and it's been tuff, but she's a smart girl, and doesn't let it happen anymore.  (Can I just say I'm so glad the being a friend trait seems to run through my girls...huge sigh of relief.)  Her teacher and other adults identify her as a leader in groups.  Charisma defines this girl.

She's been busy lately, but keeps up.  We usually say only one activity at a time for the kids, but Tae Kwon Do came knocking right after she signed up for soccer, and she does it all.  And she still goes to ESL (English Second Language) tutoring four hours a week.  One day this week she went from soccer to TKD with less than 20 minutes in between, and did chores and homework too.  We decided next soccer season we'll suspend TKD for a few months. She might be able to keep up, but it wears me out!

Since school started last fall, Gabby has been remembering a lot of details about her life in India that I've never heard before.  I can see her get stirred up once in a while, and know there is something in her mind ready to break free from where ever she's kept it stored before now... Details of her mom's death.  Details of how she handled that loss, and how her brother handled that loss.  Details of what her mom taught her before she died.  Details of how she got here...and so much more.  That's a lot of remembering, which isn't easy.  A few months ago I started reading "The Whole Brain Child," by Daniel Siegel (great book, by the way), and just this week attended a conference where he presented.  The key of "integration" is the main concept of his book (both within the brain, and in relationships and life).  Gabby is integration, because when she isn't, she pushes herself to make meaning out of her many, many stories of hurt and loss.  She inspires me to be a better person.

In fact, all of them do.  I keep waiting for the proverbial "other foot" to drop in our teen world, but so far it hasn't.  I seriously love this time in their lives.  There is so much teen energy in this house that some days I think I could bottle it and sell it.  (Who wouldn't pay cash to feel the energy of teenagers?)  But for now I'll just breathe it in and soak it up, because it's the kind of energy that can't be bottled.  I know it will be gone in a blink, and as crazybusy as it gets most days, I'm glad I'm up to my eyeballs in it.  Wouldn't trade it for anything.

Last Dance

I needed a reason to kick start me into blogging again, and trying to find a way to pay tribute to this adorable couple has done it for me.

Meet Ross and Darlene Moser, parents to my brother's wife, Melissa.  The first time I met them was at Ben and Melissa's wedding, and I will never forget this soft hearted dad shedding real tears as he talked about his baby girl marrying my brother.  

Over the years, as we've spent time with their family during family events, I've come to love this family of in-laws.  I'm not sure I know any of my other in-laws the way I know the Mosers, and that's because they want to be known.  They're genuine and real...and really fun, the kind of people you just feel comfortable around.  

Last year we were all sad to hear that Melissa's dad had been diagnosed with cancer in his foot, but it was unimaginable when, only a few months later, Melissa shared the news that her mom had cancer as well. Over their months of fighting cancer, I'd laugh and cry as I read Melissa's email updates...which were just as real as her family.

But the one thing that always stood out to me in Melissa's emails was the spirit of living life her parents continued to embrace.  Even on days when it seemed her parents felt their worst, there were memories being made with children and grand children.

A few months ago, Melissa sent out an email with the above picture attached.  (By that point, I'd learned to read Melissa's emails with tissue in hand.)  Of course the story behind this picture brought tears, but as always, Melissa's description had me smiling as well.  The family was having what her parents thought was a surprise party for her brother.  In Melissa's words, "As we were walking down the hall the band started to play.  It was awesome!  My Dad was really excited!  He kicked off his shoes (he didn't have his dancing shoes, so socks were better) and grabbed Mom and started dancing."

Melissa then described how, for the next hour as the band played, she and her siblings took turns dancing with their parents.

That was Ross and Darlene's last dance together.  Darlene passed away in January, and just yesterday, two months after his wife had died, Ross passed away as well.  It's bittersweet to think of them dancing together in each other's arms once again.  

When this picture popped up again on facebook yesterday, my mind filled with memories of times we spent with the Mosers, and how comfortable it always was to just sit and talk to Melissa's mom about anything...or nothing...or everything.  It just didn't seem like words or a card or flowers could honor the memory of this life-filled, love-filled family, and the battle they've been through this past year.

Then it hit me...  Random Acts of Kindness.  We already have the facebook page, and it just seemed appropriate to pay it forward once again in memory of Ross and Darlene Moser.

Please join us.  Forward this story.  Forward the link to the facebook page.  Tell your friends and family.  

Saturday, March 9th is Ross's funeral, and while friends and family are paying tribute to him, we will pay tribute to them by spreading random acts of kindness that day in their name.

Join us on facebook or comment here.  Share what you've done, or what you're doing, or how participating in another RAK day affected you...  We'll pass it on to the Mosers.

Ross and Darlene, you're missed.  Thank you for your inspiration and love (and for your amazing daughter, who is arguably the best thing that ever happened to my brother).