Ewwwwww... What's That?

Manners.

Dictionary.com says manners are "prevailing customs, ways of living, and habits of people."  

In our house, if the prevailing ways of living won out, we'd be hearing, "Ewwwwww...  What's that?" before every meal.

Needless to say, prevailing customs have been overridden by parents who think, "No thank you," sounds a little better than "Ewwwwww...  What's that?"

A friend told me about "no thanks" bites.  If kids don't want to eat something, they can take a bite just to taste (since there aren't taste buds in your eyeballs) and if you don't like it, you can say, "No thanks," and  get something else to eat.  At our house, we keep the refrigerator stocked with healthy food, and they get  an FFY meal (Fend For Yourself meal...term courtesy of another friend).

So imagine seeing this on the table:

(Broccoli cheddar soup courtesy of Tim and the Vitamix.)

Now imagine being a kid and seeing that on the table.  (In Tim's defense, it actually wasn't bad, and it was healthy...and if Tim is putting something healthy on the table, I'm not complaining.)

But back to being a kid.

"Ewwwwwwww...   Yuck!"

(That's what we expected.)

But this is how you know you're really making progress on the manners front.

Joie (holding up her bowl) says, "Dad, just give me a 'no thanks' bite." Then she takes a bite that you know probably killed her and turned her three shades of green on the inside, and politely says, "No thanks," and goes to the kitchen to find something else to eat (a whole wheat quesadilla).    

Then it's Gabby's turn.  "Ummm...  Just a little please."  She takes a bite and thinks a little bit.  Then she takes another bite.  Then she thinks a little more and says, "No thank you?"  Then she loaded her bowl with "rice salad" (quinoa bean salad...her new favorite).

In families with adopted children, food issues can be sensitive to address and can lead to huge battles.  

The therapist in me has no problem stating that battles can (and do) lead to other psychological problems that are much, much more difficult to address than food issues...

hoarding, 

stealing, 

lying, 

somatic complaints...

even worsening of symptoms related to abuse and trauma through a perceived sense of loss of control,

particularly control of body boundaries, which are frequently violated in all types of trauma and abuse.

And the mom in me won't even go there with food issues.  It's not worth it.  There are bigger battles to fight in life than food.

So it's more than huge when we find a solution that addresses the need for politeness and respect with the ability to make food choices. 

And when their other choices are whole wheat quesadillas and quinoa bean salad, we can't complain.

We all win.

Fostering Independence

I read an Ann Landers quote this morning which inspired my day:

"What the vast majority of U.S. children needs is to stop being pampered, stop being indulged, stop being chauffeured, stop being catered to. In the final analysis it is not what you do for your children but what you have taught them to do for themselves that will make them successful human beings."

Naturally, my goal for the day was not to do anything for my children they could do for themselves.

Ready for the list of duties I was relieved of with this one simple act?

• Reaching a water bottle on the top shelf (for a child who is taller than Mom).
• Choosing clothing for a stressed out diva
• Wiping up spilled milk
• Plunging the toilet (which included not allowing them to use my toilet until someone decided to plunge the other toilet)
• Giving rides when they could walk (bad habit we get into over the winter...trying to get back to having them walk).

My favorite non-duties on the list were the toilet and not giving as many rides.  I'm looking forward to more independence tomorrow.  (HUGE smile)

Speech Lessons

Gabby is a fast learner, but still struggles with the pronunciation and vocabulary of a relatively new language...and let's face it.  English isn't the easiest language to learn.

At first she didn't like anyone telling her how to say words.  Now she allows it, especially from the other kids.

This afternoon while driving to Grandpa and Grandma Jarman's house, they were working on pronunciation of "v," which  usually sounds something like a mix of a "w" and "b."

Nate to Gabby:  Victor
Gabby:  Wictor
Nate:  vvvvvolume
Gabby:  wolume
Nate:  virtual
Gabby:  vvvvvwirtual
Nate:  (Some random sentence containing a lot of "v" words.)
Gabby:  (Jumbled repetition of sentence with valiant attempts at pronunciation.)
Then without missing a beat, Nate says, "Ok.  Repeat after me:  The rain in Spain..."
Gabby:  The rain in Spain...
Nate:  ...stays mainly in the plains.
Gabby:  What?
Nate:  (still not cracking a smile)  ...stays mainly in the plains.
Gabby repeats.
Nate:  The rain in Spain stays mainly in the plains.
Gabby was repeating again, but by then no one else could contain the laughter...and Tim was singing.  (Did I ever mention that we love musicals around here?)

Gabby loved the moment, but didn't get what everyone was laughing at.

My question:  Do we show her My Fair Lady?

April Fool's Day

Uneventful.

Except for one prank that backfired on me.

It was a beautiful spring day so when I got home from work we went to park.  The girls brought some friends along and asked to play night games on our street after we left the park.

(Commencement of April Fool's Day joke)  I was a killjoy and said no.

My plan was to say yes a mere 5 minutes later.

I dropped off the friends (who live just down the street) and went back to the park to chauffeur the boys home.

Less than five minutes had passed.

Gabby met me in the driveway with the saddest look on her face I have ever seen.  I thought it was the perfect time for the surprise.

"April Fool's!"

"I was kidding!"

"You can play night games!"  


Instead of a smile she started sobbing.  Real tears.  Apparently I had already ruined her night.

When the tears stopped stopped flowing she said, "That is not a joke.  You made us sad!"


Finally she went to get her friend to play.

A few minutes later her friend was standing in the doorway with matching red puffy eyes.  She had been crying too.

Apparently they can't be apart.

Ever.

The funny thing is when Gabby went to get her friend to go to the park, she came home pretending to be sad, and told me her friend couldn't go.  Then when I was being just the right amount of sensitive and sad for her, she burst into a smile and said, "April Fools!"  Her friend was hiding outside the door.

I'm a little glad this day is over.

Going to bed to check my sheets for surprises left by my kiddos.

Tell Me About Cancer

"Mom, you need to tell me what's cancer."

This from my curious 9 year old who is hearing a lot lately about the c-word.

What am I supposed to say?

Frankly, I hate cancer.  It makes people sick and steals away life.  What more is there to say?

But discussions from friends about a little boy in her school who recently died of cancer...

And discussions of another student who is losing hair because of chemo treatments...

And discussions at home about my aunt who is too, too young to die but has aggressive tumors threatening her life...

To a 9 year old who has never heard the word before, it's all very confusing.

And to a 40-something year old who has experienced it too much, it's also very confusing.

And sad.

It drives me to say in frustrated tears to my husband, "I don't want to know anyone else who is going to die."


Which I know is impossible because we're all going to die.

But instead of pointing that out he says, "You look like you could use a hug."

And he holds me while the tears come pouring out then takes the kids shopping with him so I can spend some uninterrupted time on the phone with other family members who also really, really hate cancer.

But my 9 year old wants to know about this word that makes moms cry and makes adults and other children at school speak in sad, hushed tones.

I don't want to tell her, because even after all the loss in our lives there is a natural maternal instinct to protect her from anything frightening and sad.

Things like cancer that I don't know how to explain to a little girl who already knows too much about loss, and people dying and being hurt.

So I tell her a little about cancer, but mostly I tell her that people with cancer can get better, but sometimes they don't.

She'll know that all too soon anyway.