Where's Fall? (And Meeting New Friends)

Missing: Fall

Last seen wearing red and golden leaves and cooler weather. Also answers to the name Autumn and is a fan of football and pumpkin pie. If seen, please return to Utah.  We miss you. (Borrowed from my friend' Shawna's facebook post...except she was missing fall in El Paso.)

I think I've said before I don't have a favorite season.  I love them all...but only when they're new.  I love the seasons changing.  I would get tired of the same season all the time.  This year the seasons in Utah are confused.  We had the longest spring ever.  Summer didn't arrive until mid-July.

Now I'm seeing pumpkins everywhere, and neighbors are beginning to decorate their yards for Halloween.  We had parent teacher conferences for jr. high and high school this week.  Stores are selling Christmas items, yet it was 89 degrees outside today.

Tomorrow it will be October, and I'm looking forward to sweatshirt and sweater season.

I need fall.

Soon.

*************

And now (drumroll please) for some new friends...  A few of you will be new to this blog today, visiting from Diapers and Divinity.

If you're new here, there are a few things you should know:

• My children amuse me, so yes, I blog about them.
• I also blog about any random thing that I might find fascinating, like abnormally warm fall weather.
• I started this blog about four years ago, when tragedy struck our family (see here).
• That means I also blog (sometimes through tears) about grief and loss.  But you should know I also blog about healing, and I hope we communicate through our stories that the joy of healing is just as real as the pain of loss.
• I also blog about adoption, and since our two most recent adoptions are older children, I blog also about the bonding process involved, which can be both difficult and amazing.
• I also find myself blogging more and more about teenagers, since my adorable children are morphing daily into this phase of life.

So welcome, and for those who haven't met Stephanie at Diapers and Divinity, go visit!  She has some amazing insights and ideas on the upcoming general conference for our church.  I think I read last week that it is one of her favorite holidays.  (See here and here for ideas and see here for the Find A Friend post featuring our family.)

And Happy Fall to everyone!  With October just a few days away, colored leaves are sure to be right around the corner.

Joie's Backyard Bash

We seriously need to edit the birthday traditions around here.  Anyone else feel like it's been Christmas for 3 months straight?

And we manage to drag the celebrations on over a week.

Joie's birthday was a week ago.  Her friend party was tonight.

But it must be fun, or we wouldn't do it.  If there's a reason to have a party, we're there!

Exhibit A:

Friends

Exhibit B:

Presents

And as many girly-girl things as could be imagined...

Even more girly-girl things...  Her friends know her well!

Exhibit C:

The best blowing-out-candle picture I've ever seen

Exhibit D:

No pictures here, but imagine an awesome A-Z scavenger hunt.

And roasting s'mores would have been a blast, but the wind kicked up and since there was already a wild fire burning up on the mountain not far from us, we decided to douse our fire and make microwave s'mores and friendship bracelets instead.

And you should have heard the girl talk!  (Don't worry girls.  My lips are sealed.)

And now for the big announcement (drumroll please...)

Jarmans have finished the 2011 birthday season.  Yes, folks.  Our birthday marathon has come to an end.

Other announcements:

• Megan, Jeran and Joie all got into the local charter school we were hoping they'd get into.  Gabby is on the sibling priority list, but her elementary school is awesome so she may not move for a few more years.  
• Summer is winding down.  School starts too soon.
• I'm tired.
• And Gabby wins the award of the strongest 10 year old on the planet: 

Nate is easily double Gabby's weight...and that's uphill!

But she also got her turn:

Big brothers are good for something.

Sunday Sharing

Kindness:  the state or quality of being kind; a kind act; kind behavior; a friendly feeling...

Outside of a definition, what does kindness mean to you?

When I think of kindness, I think of acting on a feeling of compassion, and I think of Jesus Christ, the best example of kindness.


"A new commandment I give unto you, That ye alove one another; as I have loved you, that ye also blove one another.


 By this shall all men know that ye are my disciples, if ye have alove one to another."  (John 13 34-35)


I think of the kindness of extended family, neighbors and friends who have welcomed Gabby into our family and neighborhood.

I think of friends who stop to talk to us and ask us how we're doing and how they can help.

I think of kind words from people who take the time to comment on the positive.

I think of people who help, even when it isn't easy, or convenient...or sometimes even necessary.

I think of children who find ways to include other children in their play.

I think of so many, many examples...

My own life and view of kindness was forever changed almost four years ago, on August 18, 2007, on the day Joie lost her family.  I remember hearing accounts of that day, even from seasoned professionals-first responders who were on hand that day to help, who described that accident as one of the worst they'd seen in their careers...

Which always makes me think of the kindness of total strangers who rushed into that tragic and horrible scene to rescue one little girl.  Their names are Jaci and Jeareme Hawks, and I've written a little about them before, but words can't express how much it meant to our family and to Joie to have them there that day.

Because of them, Joie was shielded from the horrific scene around her.

Because of them, she was cradled in the loving arms of adults who knew what to do and say to help her through a very frightening experience.

A week later when we received a letter in the mail from Jaci telling us how they had been there on the scene with Joie, our hearts were filled with peace.  Our entire family (myself, my siblings, and mom and dad) had pictured her lying there helpless on the side of the road in the summer heat, wondering what she had seen and experienced in those long minutes before the ambulance arrived on that remote section of highway.  Many times during that first week I had sobbed uncontrollably at the thought of wanting to have been there to hold her and protect her from all that was around her.  It remains one of the most heart warming things in the world to me to know that the loving people around Joie that day acted in ways that were calming and reassuring to her, even in the midst of the most horrific thing many of them had ever experienced.

A year later, when it was time to commemorate that day in a way that would give it meaning, I felt the heaviness and darkness of grief settling in.  It was out of a need to rescue myself from those feelings that a tradition was born...

That year we celebrated our first Random Acts of Kindness Day on August 18, 2008.  We've kept the tradition going since then.  The last two years I've sent an invite on facebook and others have passed it on to their friends.  This year I'm posting it here again also.

Please join our family on August 18 in the 4th Annual Random Acts of Kindness Day.  Ruth and Nick (Joie's parents) were the kind of people who would drop anything to help a friend or reach out to others.  In their deaths, many reached out to our family, and to Joie in kindness.  We received gifts from all over the world that year for Joie and for our family.  People who didn't even know us were thinking of us, and acting on those feelings.

We invite everyone to join with us in celebrating this day. Practice random acts of kindness.  Little things do matter.  Smile at a stranger.  Let someone go first in line.  Listen to a friend...or a child.  Whatever kindness you choose, do it with purpose and mindfulness of the impact of kindness on the lives of others.  And in doing so you help us to honor the lives of Nick, Ruth, and Audrey Weaver, and those who reached out to us in kindness on that day (and to those who always reach out in kindness to others).

Feel free to pass it on!  Share this link to our Random Acts of Kindness challenge...

And in the next weeks, as I blog, I anticipate a lot of celebration over an adoption, and a sealing, and weddings...

I also anticipate moments of sadness, and tears of sorrow, because no matter how much we think we're over it, grief never really goes away, and something about the smells, and sights and sounds of August triggers all those feelings all over again...

But this year I'm going to try to throw in a few blogs during our busy upcoming weeks about kindness, leading up to our 4th Annual Random Acts of Kindness Day, to keep it on our minds and in front of us.

Thanks for the support!

Remembering A Friend

Depression is a potentially life threatening disorder.

Some people die of heart failure.

Some people die of cancer.

Some people die of depression.

A year ago tomorrow, a kind, loving, generous spirit lost the depression battle.  She was an incredible mother who thought the world of her children and family, and taught me a lot about being a mother through her own responses to her children and family.

She raised one of the most amazing girls we know, who wins the title of our very, very favorite babysitter of all time.  When Megan started babysitting, we talked about her favorite babysitters and who she wanted to be like when she babysat.  She chose Lela.

I still think about my friend often, and all the lives she touched.  She is missed by so many, and this week my thoughts are once again with her and her family.

A year ago I wrote about her death.

So once again:  "Life lives, life dies. Life laughs, life cries.  Life gives up and life tries.  But life looks different through everyone's eyes."


I pray she has found peace.

April Fool's Day

Uneventful.

Except for one prank that backfired on me.

It was a beautiful spring day so when I got home from work we went to park.  The girls brought some friends along and asked to play night games on our street after we left the park.

(Commencement of April Fool's Day joke)  I was a killjoy and said no.

My plan was to say yes a mere 5 minutes later.

I dropped off the friends (who live just down the street) and went back to the park to chauffeur the boys home.

Less than five minutes had passed.

Gabby met me in the driveway with the saddest look on her face I have ever seen.  I thought it was the perfect time for the surprise.

"April Fool's!"

"I was kidding!"

"You can play night games!"  


Instead of a smile she started sobbing.  Real tears.  Apparently I had already ruined her night.

When the tears stopped stopped flowing she said, "That is not a joke.  You made us sad!"


Finally she went to get her friend to play.

A few minutes later her friend was standing in the doorway with matching red puffy eyes.  She had been crying too.

Apparently they can't be apart.

Ever.

The funny thing is when Gabby went to get her friend to go to the park, she came home pretending to be sad, and told me her friend couldn't go.  Then when I was being just the right amount of sensitive and sad for her, she burst into a smile and said, "April Fools!"  Her friend was hiding outside the door.

I'm a little glad this day is over.

Going to bed to check my sheets for surprises left by my kiddos.

For A Friend

In my mind's eye there's a picture of a friend, wearing purple in honor of a little girl who she had never met to attend the funerals of people she had never met, in support of me on a very difficult day.  The picture is so clear, that even now I scroll through pictures of that day in frustration that the picture in my mind's eye isn't stored on any disc or hard drive.  It will remain forever a memory.

Calls and kind gestures came from many friends during that difficult time, but when this friend called, she said she was calling back in a day or two to see what she could do.  True to her word, she called.  Not wanting to inconvenience friends, I often told people I was fine, or that I would call them back if I needed anything, but when this friend called, I trusted that she could help, and that she know what to do. 

This friend and I had spoken previously of death on several occasions.  Her own younger sister and brother had both died in her lifetime...her sister at a younger age, and her brother after we had known each other for several years.  Her personality was that of a true "steel magnolia," an absolutely beautiful person, inside and out, filled with sheer steel determination to face loss and live her life without apology.  She always spoke of death in such an honest, direct manner, without pause or explanation for the difficult emotions of grief.  I admired her for her attitude, and appreciated her support in my time of sorrow.  I knew from experience with her that I didn't have to pretend, apologize or explain.  She was there to help carry my load in any way she could, and expected nothing in return. 

Her task on the day of the funerals was to help us care for Joie.  We knew that our attention would be divided in many different directions, and on that day, it was this particular friend who was there to make sure Joie was drinking, had snacks, and could be given the space away from swarms of unfamiliar people to be closer to her friends and familiy on the day she had to say good-bye to her mom, dad, and baby sister.

And so it is that she became forever etched in my memories of that day, standing apart with those few who knew, and around whom I could just be myself.  In the weeks that followed, she continued to listen, support, and relate in a way that only someone who knew could do. 

This friend's name is Kim.  On April 13, 2010, she died.  Tragically, she took her own life.  Tomorrow a husband and four children, along with countless friends and family members, will mourn her death, our loss of a sensitive, kind, and caring soul.  Ten days before her life ended, she spoke to me again of death, but it had become a familiar conversation between us, one that didn't signal to me that she was hurting.  Today my heart aches for a friend who was always there for others, but was hurting so much herself.  I know I'm not alone in wondering how she hid it so well, and how we all missed the signs.  As friends slowly learn of her death, all are surprised together that her life ended this way.  I don't know where this quote came from, but it fits, and seems appropriate. 

"Life lives, life dies. Life laughs, life cries. Life gives up and life tries. But life looks different through everyone's eyes.”

Kim, you'll be so missed.  My prayer is for you to have found peace from the pain.  My life is better because I knew you.

Just Stuff...

Last summer when Tim was out of town I blogged pictures and updates every day to keep him up on what we were doing while he was gone. I don't think I'll try daily blogging again any time soon, but we'll get a few pictures in this week of what we're doing while Tim is gone so he can get in on some of the fun. Tim, if you start to see pictures of a painted basement in the next few weeks, you can't say I didn't warn you!

Today Jeran and his friends were "hanging out" for a few hours. Good thing they're too old to "play" because what they're doing looks waaaayyyy too boring to be called play.

Beautiful girl. She baked cookies yesterday and would have baked more today if I had said yes...and Jeran's friends wouldn't have minded, since they helped us dispose of a few cookies.

This picture is from earlier this month. I was trying to crochet headbands after watching a few "how-to" tutorials online. Joie has been nice enough to be my guina pig. I think I need more crochet experience. Susan, I need some lessons.

This is the only picture we got of the boys' ice fishing trip. Jeran carefully laid out all his clothes the night before in the living room. Check out the layers. He didn't miss a detail. There's a shirt and sweatshirt under the coat, and even gloves at the ends of the hands. It was his first ice fishing trip and he was excited and making sure not to forget anything!

Puberty

Puberty.  

It seems to be more and more apparent at our house lately.  Lines outside the bathroom.  A lack of warm water in the morning.  Smelly sneakers.  Discussions of crushes.  

Then yesterday, this conversation with Joie:

"Mom, what's puberty?

I was caught a bit off guard because I know I've already had this conversation with her, but realize she must be making some kind of connection.  I gave her a very brief definition...the under ten word definition about boys and girls growing into adults.

"Oh," she says, matter-of-factly.  "I think I'm in puberty."

"Really, why do you think that?"

"Because when I talk my voice squeaks, like I have a frog in my throat."

(Me trying really hard not to smile)  "Oh, I don't think girl's voices do that.  Only boys.  Maybe it's just your cold."

"Oh.  Yeah... (voice trailing off...long pause).  

Then the best argument yet:  "But a boy in my class said it was because I was in puberty."

"Nope, not yet."

She continued.  "He thinks he's in puberty because his voice squeaks."  

(Keep in mind she's in 4th grade.)

By now I'm holding back and outburst that wants to scream, "He's in 4th grade!  He doesn't have a clue!"  

Instead I say, "Hmmm...  Maybe.  But maybe he just has a cold too."

"Oh," she sighs.  I couldn't tell if she was disappointed or relieved.

We say good-night and I make it to my room before the laughter escapes.  Whew!

Example #2:  Today when Jeran invited a friend over to "hang out" I noticed all kinds of new girl energy coming out of Megan.  I think she even did the happy dance and said something about calling all her friends to tell them.  Guess what they'll be talking about at the birthday party tonight. 

On the really tough days when these budding teens were all toddlers, I used to remind myself they'd all be driving and dating one day.  Scary that it's getting closer.  

"Is this the little girl I carried; Is this the little boy at play; I don't remember growing older; When did they?  ("Sunrise, Sunset" from Fidder on the Roof)

megan's late-night!

Make a Smilebox scrapbook

The smilebox is by Megan...commentary by Mary. I don't know if there's a way to explain how loud 10 ten-year old girls can be unless you've actually heard it. And when they're playing "High School Musical 3 Sing It" the volume only doubles. Did I say we love them?
Tim had an idea last month that each child should have their own late night on evenings when there isn't school the next day. Megan's late night was last week. We have been waiting for some windows to get in so Larry (my brother-in-law) could install them along with new siding. Larry left a message on our voice mail saying the windows were in and he'd be here to start working on our house on Thursday, but we didn't check our voice mail. It wasn't a problem for anyone but Larry, who was spending the night...good thing we didn't have a sleep over!
The plan was this: Tim, Larry, Nate, Jeran, and Joie went to see a movie, get back about the time the late night was ending, and we'd all go to bed. They actually got back about 45 minutes before the late night was scheduled to end, and Tim and Larry were exhausted. Picture this: The two of them fighting to keep eyes open, counting down to 10:00 when I'd take the girls home.
Other highlights of the evening included: 1. Thursday caroling (instead of Christmas caroling)...neighbors loved that one. 2. Ice cream sundaes, complete with whip cream fight. I put all the ingredients for the sundaes in the downstairs kitchen so they could serve themselves. In hindsight, that might not have been the best idea. (Sidenote here--At Megan's 9 year birthday party she wanted to shave balloons, which turned into a shaving cream fight. As I was cleaning up shaving cream, one of the girls said, "Mary, everybody's in the shower..." Turns out they showered with their clothes on, but shaving cream and a shower were interesting activities to explain to parents.) 3. Prank phone calls...someone forgot to tell them that there isn't such a thing as prank calls in the age of cell phones and caller I.D. 4. A little tiff about who got to be in on the prank calling...what's a girl party without a little drama, right? I love that we can have friends here, love that the kids want their friends here, and love that they can have fun. The stories amuse us...usually a little more after we've all had some sleep.

Halloween then and now...

Disneyland then and now...Halloween then and now...I think I have a theme going on here. Actually, now that I'm blogging it's too fun to resist going back and reviewing former adventures in our posts. Rewind with me now to 2004. One of the only coordinated costumes ever, and Megan and Jeran picked it out themselves. It wasn't a stretch to make Megan Lilo, and back then Jeran was Stitch...every bit of him! There were days we hunted for the off switch!

Also 2004. Nate was the Red Power Ranger. He only wore the mask for the picture because it bothered his face. In the school parade picture from the same year he wasn't wearing the mask. Isn't that how it goes?

Fast forward to 2008. Jeran is Indy! He was good, and the best part of the costume is the whip! The scruffy beard was a nice touch too even though you can't see it that well in the picture. My kiddos are getting to old to hang out with mom all night (sigh). Jeran went to a friend's house and went trick-or-treating with him. Nate decided he wasn't going trick-or-treating this year, because apparently 12 is too old. Other moms have told me after one year of being "too old" they're back at it again when they're 13, and I think that's what will happen with Nate. He got to "dress up" for school. His costume consisted of neon blue hair spray. He looked like one of the Blue Men, but we didn't get a picture before he washed it all off. He dressed up as a monster for Halloween and sat on the front porch. When we got one street away, his friend was outside their house doing the same thing. He hopped the fence to our street to scare Nate, but Nate saw him hiding behind the Durango in the driveway (so he says) and wasn't scared. They took turns manning the porch and going to neighbor's houses to load up on candy. About 8:30 Nate called wanted to catch up with us, so he left the candy on the porch and we told him where to meet us. We were just getting ready to go to a haunted house in our neighborhood...they do an amazing job...a little too amazing if you ask me. I was brave enough to take Nate 2 years ago, but was really, really hoping I didn't have to go back. Right then the older brothers of one of the friends we were with showed up (in nothing but speedos and goggles...they're on the water polo team) and took all the kids. Turns out Nate and older boys were the only ones to go through the haunted house. Joie and Sabrina said, "We heard that chainsaw start up and decided to wait out front!" Megan, who had split off with another friend and her dad earlier ended up at the same haunted house and also didn't go all the way through, but from the middle they actually turned around and ran out the front. It was a fun night! Oh, and Tim missed the whole thing because he had a swing shift that night. Bummer!

Megan, her friend Camille, Joie, and her friend Sabrina...a.k.a. punk rocker, Dorothy, Vampire's daughter, and the snow princess.