Months and Months of Photos

This post is for posterity.

And for grandma and grandpa.

First, taking care of business...

Lost item photos I meant to email to my family but didn't.  These items are still at our house.  Does anyone claim them?

Cute earrings.  If no one claims them...

And the flour babies...  

This was a school assignment last spring for Megan and Jeran to carry around duct-taped wrapped 10 pound sacks of flour decorated as babies.  

Megan named hers Claire (after cute cousin Claire, whose face she borrowed for this project)

And Jeran named his Captain Sawyer America...or something like that.  Maybe it was Sawyer Steve Rogers...  Or Baby Captain America.  Either way, he thanks his cousin Sawyer for the borrowed baby face.

They had to carry them everywhere, phone in four times at night (over a two week period) and hire a babysitter if they were busy...

Gabby the babysitter

Moving right along...

I think this is a picture Tim took of Gabby when he took her lunch at school.  Her new favorite (2nd only to pizza with toppings peeled off) is a veggie sandwich from Subway.  (Please don't sound the protein deficiency alarm.  She can eat quinoa, legumes, eggs, whole grains, and her share of dairy products like no child you've ever seen.)

And a little cousin love...Adrienne is 20 years old, and such an awesome role model of an older cousin for all her younger cousins.  They love her!  (Which is a good thing, since Adrienne is the only girl in her family.)

And a cute pose with the Jarman cousins, who are equally awesome...

Love Megan's look here.  It seems to say:
I don't know them...

And while we're on the subject of cousins, there are the Vernal cousins...those would be cousins from Joie's dad's side of the family.  We visited them in June, and Joie stayed an extra three days.  I love that she is excited to continue to grow the family connections to her dad's side of the family as well.  

Left to right:
Joie, Lexie, Gabby, Hailey, and Gracie

And don't try to explain to Gabby that Joie's cousins on her dad's side of the family aren't Gabby's "real" (hate that word) cousins too.  Don't you just love adoption?  Take a bunch of non-biologically related people, add a judge and an adoption decree, and anything is possible, right?

But when it came time to go, Gabby was not happy that Joie was staying and she was going home with Tim and I...

So not happy, in fact, that she pouted and yelled for the first 15 minutes...

Until I climbed in the back seat with her, a bag of chips, and a DVD...

Yes, those are chips on her tongue.  We just had to share.

And as she settled down, she started talking about how leaving Joie felt like leaving her sister.  So sad.  And she talked about missing her brother.  It doesn't take a lot to remind us of how much she's really lost.  Thank goodness for cuddling.  Thank goodness for chips and a DVD.

Gabby also got a cute haircut...

And Gabby continues to crack me up almost daily with her candor and honesty.  In this picture she walked into the room and told me, "These goggles fit perfect!"

Then this was her reaction when her friend told her they were upside down...

And Gabby on River (one of Ruth and Nick's old horses that has been kept in Juniper and cared for by Dani, one of Joie's cousins).  

River does a little skip to try to throw people off when she isn't happy about being ridden.  This day was hot, hot, hot.  Poor River.  (But to help a little with cooperation, we lead her instead of letting the kids just ride.)

And then there was July 4th...

A fun day that ended in watching Sandy City fireworks (since it was too dry to set off our own).  Joie wasn't happy that she didn't get a spot by dad, but eventually she warmed up was willing to accept second best (sitting by mom).

Megan & Jeran (who were by dad) waiting for fireworks to start...

And Megan got more pictures of fireworks that you could ever scroll through in a single day, which she can post if she feels the need.  (Nothing like watching fireworks twice!)

And then there's my awesomely cool 16 year old.  I think he didn't know I snapped this one.

And there was a (sort of) bathroom remodel that involved a toilet sitting on our front porch for a number of days.  It was called everything from redneck yard art to just plain annoying.  Thankfully no one knocked on our door asking to use the toilet!

And Megan has the job of cleaning my office.  One day she left this note for me.  I was so, so curious...  But I didn't open it until I actually had a bad day.  (Then I kept it in my drawer just in case I have another bad day.)  Sweet Megan.  I love her love.

And a few more Las Vegas photos...

The oldest three

All five of them...

And a little celebrity moment at Planet Hollywood...

And that's a wrap.  (And a lot less mommy guilt about not preserving memories...because scrapbooking isn't even an option.  Not if mommy is to remain sane.)

Sunday Sharing

Sometimes I start thinking of God in His majesty and forget He's the same God who says, "But even the very hairs of your head are all numbered."  (Luke 12: 7)  I love that He loves us that much.

Today we drove to Juniper to see Nate.  (By "we" I mean me, Megan, and Gabby...  Just for the record, Nate, you know who loves you!)  Nate has been on the farm since the beginning of July, and I have missed my boy!

Today before we left to visit him I asked, "Do you miss us?"  

He said, "Yeah."  (Awwwwww......)

I said, "Are you homesick?"

He said, "No."

He loves it there.

I asked him how long he would stay if he could.

He said, "Until school starts."

I love that he loves it there, but I really, really wanted to see him, and in case you all missed it, there is a hint of him also missing us in the above conversation, enough that I knew I wanted to make the drive.

So we drove 2.5 hours north and 2.5 hours back home on a Sunday afternoon to spend 2 hours with Nate.  He drove us around Juniper, and told me stories of the things he's doing there.  He was also proud to show me his log book.  I took a few pictures, but this is my favorite entry:

He told me last week how one of the cats had died under Grandma's bush.  Grandma asked him to move it, so he did.  He's talked about it several times.  I loved that he noted those 5 minutes in his log.  

For some reason, when I drive to Juniper, my brain thinks in metaphors.  For the past several weeks I've been calling Nate, and checking in.  I talk to him.  I ask him if he needs anything.  I even sent him something he needed.  

Then when he was missing us just a little bit, and I was missing him, the mom in me couldn't not go.  Over the past several days as I've talked to him, he's asked about us coming.  Partly, he just wanted us to see him there and to show us what he's doing.  He wanted us close to see things we couldn't see in phone conversations.  He showed me a hill he drove down and told me the story of how quickly he had to discover how the brake and clutch work together to stop a heavy truck, and a few other unknowns of the farm.  When we left, Nate drove us from my parents house to the freeway, then jogged back to their house.  As he left to jog home, he let me hug him--not the stiff hug I got when he left a few weeks ago.  (Nate is my kiddo who is not a hugger...thank goodness a few others are!)  

Metaphor:  God from a distance is majesty.  He's love.  He's our anchor.  I talk to Him, and I travel through my days seeing Him only from a distance.  He asks if I need anything and sometimes He sends things I need.  But I love that amazing feeling that comes when He recognizes that I miss Him just a little more some days than I do others, and for just that little bit of time, He moves into my heart and lets me show Him around.  He shares with me in all the things I've been doing, and lets me show Him not just my joys, but my fears and hurt.  Then somehow by the time he leaves, I'm left with only warmth from His short stay.  I love that He loves and knows me and I know He longs to be close to me, as a parent does with a child.

And in another week we're bringing Nate home so we can have some family vacation time!

Hi, It's Me Again

Funny thing about writing...  I need to do it.

Funny thing about writing about stress... It tends to go away.

To stop writing about all of this right when I was finally putting it in words was almost impossible for me.  (So chalk another one up to crazy grief...which I'll say more about later.)  Not writing was like trying to plug a fountain with a finger.

The other day a colleague said to me, "We are harder on ourselves than anyone else ever would be."  He had just made a difficult decision, and was worrying about how his decision would affect other people.

So why do we think so much about what other people think?  I want to be one of those people who doesn't care--not in a cynical, insensitive way, but in a way that is just 100% comfortable in my own skin. And somehow throwing all this out there, and exploring all this with Tim, and letting it float around in my own brain blog is helping.

So as I wrap my brain around the idea that trauma and grief can still affect us this much all these years later, you all can tune in (or not).  Either way, at the end of the day it's me and the people under my own roof that matter most.

And do you know what's really amazing?  They all think I'm amazing.  Right here at home, where it matters most, we're working together to get it right every day just like every other family.

I can get irritated at teen sluggishness, and trails of shoes and clothes all over the house, and 10 minutes later we can all be ok with each other again.

Case in point (because I can't resist a good story)...

Yesterday Nate was in trouble.  And I told him so...  And I told him he had to "dig his way out of this hole."  About five minutes later I was loading the dishwasher (I do that once in a while) and I looked up to see him standing at the back door with a shovel in his hand.  I got it, but I was trying really, really hard not to laugh...because he was in trouble and I'm the mom and I'm not supposed to laugh if they're in trouble, right?  (By the way, I stink at not laughing when something is funny.)  I tried to ignore him, but he just stood there, and when I looked up again, all I could see was dimples...  Then he said, "I was wondering how you dig yourself out of a hole.  Technically, if you're digging, aren't you going in deeper?"

Laughter!

It was one of the best mea culpas I've ever seen.  I hope his wife appreciates that humor some day.

It's moments like that that make me amazed that these six other human beings who I love so much love me back.  At the end of the day all I have to give them is support, time (that's a hard one) and love.  And balance all that with work, home, friends, church...  (Psshht...  No sweat.)

And the best part is this new freedom to fail (which we always knew was a part of life, but just couldn't say it).  And there is relief in that, and even humor because we can say it out loud now and hear how crazy it sounds.  The other day Tim threw out the idea that if we can now fail, can we also fail and failing and therefore succeed?  Obviously, Nate is his son, because I laughed at that one also.

Either way, in the four days since I've said I'm not blogging, all this has been floating around in my brain and needed to be said.  And getting it down on paper helps me make sense it all...sort of.  I know I've said many times since this all happened that you can't make sense of senseless.

And even though I might think I'm the only one who feels this way, I'm sure I'm not.

Funny how just the opposite of what I thought I needed is what I need.

(And some good news...  Tim has day shifts for most of the rest of the summer...and 3 day weekends.  How amazing is that?  Right when we needed the gift of time, we got it.  Blessings.  I love them.)

Moms

Mother's Day is approaching, and I had this big plan in my head to do a mother's day series this year like I did last year, but like so many of my big plans, this one stayed in my head, and hasn't materialized, even though Mother's Day is only a few days away.

Instead, I'm going to support recycling by linking back to the Mother's Day series from last year...

Because the longer I'm a mom (or maybe just the longer that I'm alive) the more I know one thing for sure:  I'm getting perfect at being not perfect.  (But don't tell my kids...)

So here it is:

Mommy Musings (how I've evolved as a mom and in my thinking about what it means to be a mom)

Mothering in Seasons (important lessons about not being able to do it all)

Every Woman is a Mother (thoughts about nurturing qualities of women)

Moms of Special Needs Children (with link to the neglected blog on my counseling practice website highlighting a post about moms of special needs children...  And seriously, if you know a mom of a special needs child, give her the gift of your time and support!)

All About Birth Mothers (thoughts about the important people who give roots to children so that other mothers can give them wings)

Also, over the course of this year, I've come to know another mom who stumbled across this blog and started corresponding with me.  Her story about being a step-mom touched me, and in spite of a very busy year (having a baby, being a mom, step-parent, and going to school) she managed to send me a great post about step parenting that I'll post later.

Thanks, moms for all you do, and especially for the imperfect way in which you are willing to do it!  Really...I have to plug imperfection.  It's a great goal that frees us from the perfect ideal and lets us just be ourselves, and there is no greater gift to our kiddos than to just be ourselves.

Happy Mother's Day!

(Image credit)

Standing Up For Women

Women:  Is there any doubt we all work?  Whether we are at home raising children or in the workforce (or both), we all work...

Which is why I was incensed and Hilary Rosen's recent comments about Ann Romney (see here).  I posted this to facebook today:

"No matter which side you're on politically, is there any woman out there who doesn't find Hilary Rosen's comments offensive? As a mom who has both stayed at home with my children and worked outside the home, I have to hope as women we're past bashing each other for our choices in raising our families. Sometimes women are their own worst enemies. Hopefully both parties can move on to discussing politics."  


Both sides have distanced themselves from Ms. Rosen with rebuttals.  (Smart move for both sides, although I'd venture to guess that Ms. Rosen's comments helped Mitt a little.)  Meanwhile, it is my wish that in this imperfect world, women would support each other in what has to be one of the most difficult challenges of life--that of being a mother.  Whether it's in media or every day life, women judging women borders on cannibalism.

That's all I have to say today.

The end.

Speaking Up

There is a story and accompanying video that has been posted on facebook so many times today I can't count.  A lot of parents are praising this video.  Many parents are also saddened by this father's actions and lack of connection between him and his teen daughter.  (For the story and video see here.)  I'm among the crowd who is not only saddened about their lack of relationship, but saddened that this has been put out there as model parenting, just one more counterfeit for the real effort and energy it takes to build and maintain healthy, lasting, and respectful relationships with children.

For those who haven't seen it (and don't want to watch all 8+ minutes of this adult throwing a fit), here's the story in a nutshell:  A teen girl posted an angry, disrespectful tirade against her parents on facebook.  It was a teen rant at it's finest, filled with hate, crude language, and contempt directed at her parents.  Certainly it wasn't appropriate for any setting, least of all a social networking site, and most assuredly this teen was on the entitlement train a long time before this singular event.

Her father (acting out of about as much foresight as his daughter) decided to teach her a lesson (and a lot more lessons I'm sure he didn't intend to teach her), and made a video to post on the internet reading her tirade to the world, followed by explaining the expectations he has of his daughter.  Then he pulled out his .45 handgun and blasted 9 rounds into her laptop, destroying it.

Yes, parenting at it's finest.

Dear Parents:  Please don't let your own sense of exacting justice drive your parenting decisions.  Parenting is too great a responsibility to be left to chance!  Parenting needs to be intentional.  It requires foresight and planning and effort...years and years of effort.  It requires love, forgiveness and understanding.  It requires teaching, guiding, and instructing.  It requires presence.  It requires hesitance.  Yes, hesitance.

Reactivity is born of emotion...anger, disappointment, and even embarrassment.  Reactive parenting responses are not effective.  Sure, you'll teach them a lesson.  They'll certainly follow your lead in making relationship impacting decisions out of anger.  And they'll learn for sure never to do whatever it was they just did...unless they think a parent won't know...in which case, they didn't learn; they just learned to hide from what is supposed to be the one unconditional source of love on this planet.  Doesn't real learning involve a teaching process?  "Lead me; guide me; walk beside me; help me find the way..." (lyrics from I Am A Child of God)  


Parenting isn't an easy job.  I know.  I do it every day.  Am I a perfect parent?  No.  Am I an intentional parent?  Yes.

I love, love, love my teens.  They're amazing people.  Are they impulsive?  Sometimes.  Are they disrespectful and selfish?  Occasionally.  Do we laugh and love and have fun together?  Every day.  Do we get upset at each other?  Every day.  Do we value our relationships more than we value anything else?  I hope so...at least that's our aim.  Are we building relationships that last forever?  Absolutely.  Forever and ever and ever and ever...without end.

Granted, we don't see the end of the parent/child story in the above mentioned video.  I pray that they made up and hugged it out and that their relationship truly isn't a series of reactions, and that one of them has the maturity to step back and engage in a real relationship.  I hope beyond hope that is the case.

And I hope that the take home from all of this isn't to pat a dad on the back for using his primal brain to parent.  I hope not, but sadly he's a sensation for doing what he did.  For all those parents out there who don't agree, and who exercise restraint and love in parenting, keep doing what you're doing.  It will pay off...probably not with a bazillion hits on the internet, but certainly with all the rewards of a relationship with the one-of-a kind kids God loaned to you for a few years so you could learn really, really, really what it means to be a parent.

And now a few quotes:

"Often we assume that the people around us must know how much we love them. But we should never assume; we should let them know... We will never regret the kind words spoken or the affection shown. Rather, our regrets will come if such things are omitted from our relationships with those who mean the most to us."  President Thomas S. Monson


"Take care of your little ones. Welcome them into your homes and nurture and love them with all of your hearts. They may do, in the years that come, some things you would not want them to do, but be patient, be patient. You have not failed as long as you have tried."  President Gordon B. Hinckley 

How Not To Spend Your Saturday

Have you ever seen these signs in workplaces?

I'm starting to think I need such a sign for lost keys.  If there were such a sign for number of days I've gone without losing keys it would read:  

This scatterbrained mom has functioned for 10 days without losing her keys.  The previous record was 5 days.  

I also want to clarify that before that, my previous record was close to two years, and the last time I lost my keys (see here) was when they were dumped from a capsized boat while rafting.  And the time before that Megan and Jeran were in preschool.

Like I explained a few weeks ago (see here), I am not a naturally scatterbrained person, so losing my mind is very, very frustrating.  And today I broke my 10 day streak for not losing keys...also very frustrating!  

But the story is worth telling...not boring, for sure.

With Tim being out of town (again), I am fitting in some after-hours appointments on Saturdays instead of after school when I'm busy being taxi mom.  After an appointment today, I cleaned the office, emptied trashes and was leaving to go home.  I grabbed everything from my office--computer bag, phone, water bottle, trash bag...everything but my purse...and locked the door.  As soon as the door shut I went to grab my keys out of my purse to lock the outside of the building.

No purse!

I checked the door, just in case in all my scatter-brainedness I also didn't lock the door.  No such luck.  

Spare key...  I needed a spare key...  I have a spare key!  

...It was in my purse.

My office and the offices of two other therapists are in the lower level of a small-ish office building where the upstairs space is all one business.  We lease office space from them.  Why didn't I know before now where my spare key was in case I needed it?  I hadn't ever thought to ask.  I went upstairs to where I remembered seeing keys hang.  I tried the one I saw hanging there that I knew wasn't the mailbox key.  No go.  I looked around for more keys.  No luck.

Where could I get spare keys?  Tim...no, he's in Atlanta.  Keys...keys at home hanging on a hook that would drive my car.  Maybe I couldn't get in my office, but I could drive my car.  I called Jeran.  My office is a 2 minute car drive from home.  Jeran could ride his bike to my office with the keys.  I wouldn't be asking much.  It's all downhill...

As he was getting ready to bring me keys, I went around back to try to break in my office window.  I knew the alarm was off.  What could it hurt?  (Just my knee...that's all.)  It didn't take long to realize I couldn't break in the window without damaging the screen.  It also didn't take long to start picturing what my weekend would be like without a purse... I thought of the grocery shopping, and all the driving around I'd have to do without a license, not to mention the fact that I couldn't even lock the building without the outside key.  Out of desperation, I called another one of the therapists who leases the office space next to mine to see if she had the building owner's number so they could tell me where to find keys.  Again, no luck.

I needed a locksmith.  I googled locksmiths on my phone and the first one on the list promised 15 minute or less service time.  I dialed the number.  They took my information, gave me a quote (yikes!) and promised prompt service.  I quickly called Jeran to tell him never mind...

And I got comfortable, pulled out my computer (computer bag wasn't locked in the office) and started to work on entering insurance payments and notes.  

Thirty minutes later...  They'd be here any minute.  I'd just wait.

Forty-five minutes after the initial call...  I called to find out how long they'd be.  "I'll call the technician to see where he's at," a lady told me.

I called back and forth to the kids about jobs and homework.  It's called tele-parenting.

An hour had passed since I first made the call.  Should I call again?  They said they'd call back...

I waited a few minutes then called again.  "He got called on an emergency.  A child was locked in a car," the lady told me.  I smelled a lie, but I didn't say so.  If it was an emergency with a child locked in a car, why didn't they call the police or fire department?  They're free (technically).  But I was nice and just wanted to know how much longer...  "He'll call you shortly," she promised.

I was bored with paperwork so I cleaned the bathroom.

Then I swept the outside stairs and got a crazy idea that I could use a piece of cardboard from a box in the storage room to unlock my office...kind of like the credit card trick without the credit card.  No luck.

Finally (almost 2 hours now from the time of the initial call for a locksmith), I received a call from a technician.  He'd be another 30 or 40 minutes.  I reminded him of his 15 minute guarantee.  "Saturdays are busy," he said.  Apparently we all lose our brains on Saturday.  Still, I wanted to go home, and while I'd been waiting for his call I'd been googling other locksmiths, and told him I'd try my luck with someone else.

Call number three was a score!  They'd be there in 20 minutes, and quoted me less than the first guy.  Whew!  Finally!

But of course 20 minutes turned into 30...but they were cheaper.  Then 30 minutes turned into 40...

Then 2 hours and 57 minutes after my very first phone call to a locksmith, a locksmith finally arrived.  I was so relieved...

"One hundred twenty-nine dollars," he said in an accent I thought for sure I'd misunderstood.  I explained to him that I had been quoted $49.95 on the phone.  He invited me to call his boss (who had given me the quote.  I did.  He told me they don't guarantee prices until they see the type of lock and apparently breaking into my really tricky lock would cost $129.00.  

I didn't have a choice.  Wanting to be free of the entire experience, I told him to go ahead.  I watched while he started picking, then I heard a sound from upstairs...

People who might have keys!  

"Stop!"  I told the locksmith.  "Don't open it!"  At this point I'd gladly pay his service call fee if I didn't have to pay for him to unlock the door.

I flew up the stairs.  Keys!  I was about to get keys!  I'm not sure I even spoke in coherent sentences at that point but the office manager seemed to understand, and on the other side (inside) of the cubicle where I had seen the keys hanging was more keys...lots of keys...and from the pile of keys on the hook she pulled one very shiny gold key with my name carefully marked on the outside.  

I ran back downstairs and sure enough, it opened my office.  I paid the technician his service call fee (good riddance to locksmiths!) and thanked the office manager profusely for saving me over $100.00 and we got a good laugh over the fact that I'd sat in an empty office for 3 hours waiting for a locksmith when the key was right there on a hook.

So I'm predicting that tomorrow will be day one of my new key-accident free days.  And tomorrow will be followed by years and years of key-accident free days...  Stay tuned.

Losing My Mind

I hope it's ok to discuss women issues on here.  I'll keep it G-rated, I promise.

I had a hysterectomy at the young age 31.  The subsequent hormonal changes (my boys would disagree that those words are G-rated) were a nightmare, but with the guidance of a great doctor, I was able to get through it all without going on HRT (hormone replacement therapy) and I got on with my new normal, which wasn't really that different than pre-hysterectomy (another word my boys think is not G-rated).

The worst symptoms back then were headaches and memory loss.  I felt like I was in a fog, and would lose keys, lock myself out of the house, forget appointments...  I really, really dislike brain fog.

So a while ago when I started having headaches again, I knew exactly what was happening, and I knew exactly what to do.  I started taking the right supplements, creams, etc. and felt like this would all go away, just like it did when I was 30.  The headaches went away.  The memory loss is still plaguing me.

Last week I left the keys in the ignition of the car that was parked in the driveway, unlocked, all night long.  And Tim was out of town at the time.  Disturbing!  Then this week I locked the keys in the car.  Tim had to come home from work to unlock the car for me. 

I was saying this to a nice older-than-me lady today and she said, "Oh, it just gets worse.  Get Triple A...It will pay for itself."

In the past month I've misplaced my phone more times than I can count.  I forget what I'm saying when I'm saying it.  I've forgotten when I have carpool.  I've confused children about who is picking them up and when because I'm confused myself.  I've also almost forgotten to pick children up from practices (thankfully I have other children to remind me).  Triple A might be able to help with keys, but I'm pretty sure their coverage doesn't include reminding me to pick up my children.

And I'm really not one of those people who wants to just give up and say "Oh well...  This is just menopause."  (Sorry kids...that word really is G-rated.  I'm pretty sure it's in your health book too.)

So this afternoon I've armed myself with new vitamins and supplements with acclaimed brain boosting powers.  I'm hyper-focused on nutrients and in my spare time (ha, ha) you might find me doing brain boosting puzzles and exercises.  Menopause, you will not win the brain battle.

(Meanwhile, I'm losing my mind, so if you find it, please return it to me.)

Great Minds

Raise your hand if you remember typing a report on a typewriter...

Then being amazed when you saw the first computer with a word processor or spreadsheet.  

That would be my generation.

I remember trying to explain a word processor to my parents in the same excited tones my children use to describe the technology that could make a world of holographic technology possible.

Which is why, today, I'm a little lost in thought about the loss of an incredible guy whose life started here:

And saw the release of the iPhone 4S the day before his death.

I've loved reading all the Steve Jobs quotes floating around facebook yesterday and today.  This is one of my favorites:

"Here’s to the crazy ones. The misfits. The rebels. The troublemakers. The round pegs in the square holes. The ones who see things differently. They’re not fond of rules. And they have no respect for the status quo. You can quote them, disagree with them, glorify or vilify them. About the only thing you can’t do is ignore them. Because they change things. They push the human race forward. And while some may see them as the crazy ones, we see genius. Because the people who are crazy enough to think they can change the world, are the ones who do." ~ Steve Jobs

About the same time Steve Jobs was working away in his garage tinkering with technology and selling his VW to finance the release of the monstrosity of a computer pictured above, President Spencer W. Kimball said this:  

“It's not possible that the problems of this world be resolved by the pesimists and sceptics whose horizons are guided by the obvious realities. We need men and women who think of things that have never been thought of and who dream of things that have never been dreamed of, and who ask, "Why not?" 

I remember hearing that quote as a teen, but it wasn't until years later anyone could comprehend the impact computer technology would have on our world.

For sure the world will miss the genius of Steve Jobs.

At the same time, I can't help wondering what emerging minds out there will transform our world again?

Will it be:

Or could it be one of these great minds?

It makes me think about my job as a parent.  My children are sure I'm a wash when it comes to progression and technology, but for someone who remembers submitting reports typed on typewriters, I think I'm doing ok.  Still, my children are amused at my attempts to keep up.  Yesterday I bought my first iPhone.  This morning Nate said, "Mom, you killed Steve Jobs.  He couldn't believe that Mary Jarman bought an iPhone."

Teenage humor aside, the world will miss Steve Jobs.  At the same time we can also be thankful that such a great mind compels our own minds to think forward and to think of the future, whatever that brings.

Cuddle Time Comeback

Yeah!  I get my cuddle time back with Gabby!

Last month there was some bedroom shuffling.  Gabby no longer wanted to be in her own room so she gave up her very own dark pink room that was painted just for her to share a room with Joie.  (Note:  The verdict is still out on this choice.)

Megan hates pink, but was willing to have a dark pink room if it meant she could have a room to herself.  (She managed to craftily cover all the vinyl butterflies on the wall with posters and signs.)

Gabby no longer cares about room color, and was thrilled to have the top bunk.

I had some mixed feelings.  Every night since Gabby came into our family we've had some cuddle and talk time at bedtime.  I have to admit there was a little part of me that was pleased to see Gabby being independent about bedtime, but I was also sad to see it go.  I feel like I missed out on 9 years of cuddling with her before she came here, and wanted to see it last.  I've missed our time together at night, and I sometimes look at her up there on that top bunk and can barely reach her to hug her.  Cuddling at bedtime became a thing of the past.

Lately I've started noticing things are different between us.  I couldn't help thinking that one-on-one time needed to make a comeback, but I was fighting the part of me that knew she also had to spread her wings, and still didn't say anything.

But last week she started hanging out on the couch with me when scripture reading was finished.  It happened a couple of times.

Then tonight she was stressed so I suggested some cuddle time.  In the stress of the moment she said, "no," but a few minutes later she appeared in the kitchen and hugged me, so we sat on the couch to cuddle.

(Ahhhhhh.  My cuddle fix.)

This time I spoke up.  "I've kind of missed our cuddle time and talk time since you moved up to that top bunk," I told her.

"Me too," she said.  Then she asked if we could say prayers together also.  That's something else I've missed.  Apparently I wasn't alone.

So our new plan is to have some cuddle time on the couch before bedtime.

Yeah!  I'm so glad she hasn't outgrown it yet.

A Few Laughs From the Teen Crowd

Tonight when I was so exhausted I couldn't even move (I think I half slept through scriptures tonight), Jeran said (in his most urgent tone), "Mom!  I forgot!  Megan and I need embroidery hoops for our class tomorrow!"


This obviously drew a less than thrilled reaction from me.  I had just been to locations near 2 craft stores earlier in the evening.  My first reaction was that they'd have to just live without it, but being the softie I am, I took them to the store.

On the way to the car I was thinking of lists of jobs they could do to make up for my inconvenience.  At our house rides from mom to anywhere but school cost you a dollar job, which means an easy job around the house, like watering the plants, cleaning out a drawer, changing laundry, etc.  Jeran, who has good frustration sensors, volunteered for him and Megan to do a dollar job for every day past August 27th, which is the day they found out they were supposed to have an embroidery hoop.  Megan's response was, "Jeran, hush!"

Jeran can also make me laugh at just the right moment and while we were running into the store to get embroidery hoops before they closed at 9:00 p.m., he said, "Forgive us. We're little human beings with underdeveloped neurological systems who act impulsively and forget things sometimes."  Seriously?  You'd think he was the son of a social worker or something. 


In all honesty, their discussions of friends, crushes, and ideas about how to vary a school uniform wardrobe were really pretty entertaining, and after a few minutes I actually wasn't feeling so tired.

And it was all I could do to keep from laughing hysterically when Jeran saw his crush in the store and took off chasing her (nonchalantly, of course).  That act alone kept us entertained all the way home.

Also, earlier in the day I got to spend time with Nate, who told me about the long bike rides and runs he's been doing for cross-country.  We shared some smiles over things Gabby said that were cracking us up.  She also made the daily humor list.  ("Mom, why is there red on the mountain?"  I told her the leaves were turning their fall colors.  She said, "Oh, I thought someone painted it because the Utah team won."  We still haven't run out of adoption firsts with her.)

Today I love, love my teens.  They pulled me out of my burn-out and made it ok to keep moving forward...

Six more days until Tim is home!

To Tim With Love

Dear Tim:

Just wanted to let you know before you come home that I have a new roommate.  As you can see she has grown quite comfy on your side of the bed.

The bonding time with Gabby has been good, but personally, I am counting the days until you're home again.  I miss you!

Love,

Mary

9 days until Tim comes home!

More Confessions

This morning I woke up to a very messy house.  It seems that after we couldn't keep up with the dishes, we just gave up entirely.

Then I watched one of my children make a sandwich for lunch and leave the peanut butter, knife, and sticky honey mess out on the kitchen countertop.  I glanced around and another child's shoes were sitting on the kitchen countertop (yes, really).  Two more pairs of the same child's shoes were in the entryway.  The upstairs bathroom was a mess of toothpaste, brushes, and various hair accessories.

I'm not quite sure what came over me, but it was one of those moments where the need to take control won out over giving up entirely...letting ourselves be swallowed up in piles of clutter and sticky kitchen messes.

I made an announcement:  Everyone has to clean up their trail before they go to school.  When you leave, I will collect all trail items that aren't picked up and put them in a bin and you have to do jobs to get them back.


At our house, "trail" is a regular part of daily jobs.  If I can tell where you've been in the house, that means you left a trail...socks, food, not flushing the toilet (yes, that happens also).  But for some reason, not being able to keep up on the mess of dishes gave everyone permission to ignore the trail rule.

A few minutes later, I walked through the house and all personal items were picked up but there were still trails of messes...the lotion in the living room, the sticky mess on the countertop, the scissors and glue on the coffee table.  I realized that no one cared if I took those items away so I amended my announcement:  And there will be jobs assigned for non-personal trail items that can't go in a bin.


I am not kidding when I say the house was clean when we all walked out the door by 8:00 a.m. (with the exception of the dishes which were done after the dishwasher repair man came today).

Clean dishes.  Clean house.  All is right with the world.

My lesson for the day:  Why didn't I do that sooner?

Which leads to my confession of the day:  I'm a therapist and I still struggle with mom boundaries.

My excuses for becoming an enabler to my children this week are many:

• They're busy.  (Memo to self:  So am I.)
• They're tired.  (Memo to self:  So am I.)
• Gabby is sick.  (That one was legit...she even had a fever)
• The dishwasher was broken.  (I know how ridiculous that will sound to my mother who raised me without a dishwasher so I would know know to do dishes.)
• Tim is out of town.  (i.e. I'm busy.)

And the list goes on and on.  Seriously, as a therapist you'd think I'd have mastered this by now.  Maybe I should have titled this post:  How Not To Be An Enabling Parent 101.  And the subtitle would be:  You know you're an enabling parent if you're burned out, tired, and exhausted.

While it might be a fact of life that it's a true human condition to find ourselves in enabling roles as parents, it sure felt good to reclaim my house and my life today.

Note to kids:  Mom is back.  (Hello!  Three of you are taller than I am.  Did you really think this could last forever?)

(And since the dishes are done, all is right with the world again.)

Confessions

I need to confess:

• My house is a mess.
• I'm behind on notes at work.
• I didn't check Gabby's backpack for an entire week and missed some important notes.  (Isn't she supposed to give them to me?)
• Instead of cleaning my house this afternoon, I read and took a nap.
• I also burned the sweet potato chips I was trying to roast for dinner.  (The not-burned ones were delicious.)
• I skipped back-to-school night tonight.
• I haven't done laundry for 3 days.
• Scripture reading tonight was Nathan reading us a list of law-of-Moses rules from the book of Numbers in the Bible while everyone was working on homework.

But I have an excuse...a lot of them actually.

• Tim is out of town for the next three weeks.
• He left Tuesday and Gabby came home from school sick that day.  I think I'm getting what she has but I started taking airborne when she came home sick so even though I'm a little run-down, I'm not sick (yet).
• That was the same day Nate started cross-country practice at the same time Megan had soccer practice...just one of those times two parents makes things easier.
• Blossom peed on my bedroom floor and spent the afternoon howling the roofers in neighbor's backyard.  It seemed to really, really bother her that people were on the roof.  (And it really, really bothered the whole neighborhood that she felt she had to howl at the people on the roof, which is why the doggie door was closed and why she peed on the carpet.)
• The dishwasher also broke the day Tim left.  The kitchen hasn't been clean since he left.  I'm blaming the dishwasher, but the truth is that the kitchen might not be completely clean until Tim gets back since he is the best at staying on top of the constant flow of food and dishes that is our kitchen.
• One of the girl's elastic headbands got jammed in the printer which caused some stress in a house full of jr. high and high school students who are feeling homework pressure.  (Thank you, Jeran, for fixing it.)
• Then there is the usual--errands, phone calls, appointments, yard, carpools, sports, PTA meeting, Activity Days...

I don't want to complain because I know that some husbands have to travel for work a lot more than Tim, but I keep feeling the whiner in me threatening to burst through.  I hate that I feel like I live in the car on afternoons when he's gone...and when I'm living in the car, I'm not here at home.  Dinner and jobs are then chaotic, and somehow there are a million things left undone.  One of my clients at work today was telling me about her maid, and while I was supposed to be listening, all I could think was, "A maid?  Really?  I want one."  

Meanwhile, there are still the funny, happy things and we try to focus on those.  

• Gabby is starting to feel better and was in rare form tonight with comments that kept me laughing all the way through homework.  
• Megan made the carpool wait while she ran back in the house to get mouthwash.  
• Jeran made horse bars (don't ask) as an after school snack the day Tim left because Tim usually does that and was gone.  
• Joie did all the dishes for me last night which is amazing if you know her history with jobs.  
• Nate is loving cross-country, and pushing himself on homework and training for cross-country...so nice to have the motivation come from him, not me!

It's all about perspective, right?  I guess focusing on the big picture is my spoonful of sugar for the next few weeks.  (Nineteen days to be exact, until Tim is home.)

If Mama Ain't Happy, Ain't Nobody Happy

This was me today.  Maybe not the fangs, but if I had fangs, I may have actually eaten my young instead of just growling at them all day.

Who knows why we get like this (we being moms collectively, because if you're a mom you know you have days like this).  Honestly, there was nothing in my day that should have pushed me over the edge...

Except for Gabby whining about all the fun things I offered to do with them today because she only wanted to go to a movie.  That's it.  Nothing else would do.  Not even Disneyland (and no I didn't offer Disneyland, but I'm pretty sure if I had, she wouldn't have liked it because it wasn't a movie).

And Joie throwing a fit because she chose to go barefoot outside then stepped on a huge thorn (ok, maybe it was a small stick) then me having to drive 100 yards down the hill to pick her up in the car because she "couldn't walk," and I couldn't carry her and hike up a hill...something to do with surgery recovery.  I'm thinking that wouldn't have been a good idea.

And Nate not getting out of bed before 10:00 a.m.

And Jeran and Megan...  Well, they may have escaped the list today.  Except there was that one time Jeran looked at me wrong, and that one tiny item that was out of place in Megan's room after she said she cleaned it...

Get the picture?

I was a mama bear on a war path, and anything anyone did (with the exception of stay out of the way) would have resulted in a growl (or at the very least, a snarl).

You know the other day when I talked about the concept of attunement?  Well, I honestly think it can go both ways.  In other words (and said in my best Jeff Foxworthy accent), "If mama ain't happy, ain't nobody happy."  


When Tim got home this evening I cried to him.  "And I'm not sure why I'm this way," I heard myself saying.  "I'm so tired, and I have no energy.  I sleep at night and still want to nap during the day..."


When he mentioned still needing time to recover from major surgery as a possibility, I knew he was right, but the mama bear in me (a.k.a. type A) didn't want to hear it.  Frankly, I'm sick of naps, sick of being tired, sick of not being able to do fun energetic things with my kids, sick of not being able to work out...  And I'm pretty sure if I could work out it would release some of this mama bear energy.

But meanwhile, the kids are steering clear of me, even though I told them I just need sleep and I'll feel better, and it's not their fault.  At that point Gabby asked if I'd be the "fun mom again" when I'm better, which made me laugh.  And even though laughing about it kind of dispelled some of the tension, I don't see or hear a kid right now.  They've all found things to do outside, with friends, downstairs...

So please know, if I bite your head off, I really don't mean it.  Really.  I promise.

Sunday Sharing

I read this quote today:  "Most of the important things in the world have been accomplished by people who have kept on trying when there seemed to be no hope at all."  -Dale Carnegie

A lot of things give me hope, in a world that sometimes doesn't offer a lot of hope.

My children give me hope.  And like any mother, I also worry over my children.  I don't like to see them sick, or suffering or sad, and when any or all of the above happens, I want to make it better.  I've learned when I worry, I should pray.

It is in those moments of prayer I realize that all my teaching, and all my love, and all my nurturing and mothering, everything I have to give, isn't enough.  In those moments I know that even though I feel pretty confident as a mother, there is someone who knows my children better than I, and knew them long before I knew them.  In those moments, when I pray, He teaches me about my children and helps me see them through different eyes, as they really are...His amazing spirit children.

Then prayers are answered, and strength is given.  Doors open.  Love flows.  Miracles exist.

So as amazing as it is to keep trying and never give up hope, life (especially life as a mother) always teaches me that it is not just about having hope.  It is about having hope in Him.

"For in thee, O Lord, do I hope..."  Psalm 38:15

Mother's Day and Peanut Butter and Pickle Sandwiches

I woke up to the sound of things happening in the kitchen...

Things that I wasn't supposed to be a part of, so I stayed in bed as long as I could.

I think I already said in a previous post I didn't want sugar today.  And I knew they weren't making smoothies.  This was their creation:

My healthy crêpe recipe...

With Mickey Mouse ears, "just like Dad makes."

With strawberries and whipped cream, which I also requested.  (I make whipped cream with stevia instead of sugar, so there's no sugar on that plate.)

And I love the homemade gifts on Mother's Day... 

Here are some pictures of just a few:  

A very cute pop-up card.

And my very own award...

A paper flower bouquet colored with scented markers so the flowers have a real scent...very creative.

And the real flowers they all gave me yesterday.

They also wouldn't let me help much today.  Every time I tried to do something they made me plant myself on the couch.  

Torture.

Tim asked earlier today what I wanted for dinner...

Then after close to forty-eight hours of not sleeping, he finally fell asleep.  (It's shift work, not Tim who gets blamed for the lack of dinner at our house this evening.)

Then out of the blue Joie asked if she could make a peanut butter and pickle sandwich...which is funny because a friend just posted on my wall on facebook a few days ago that she remembered making peanut butter and pickle sandwiches at my parent's house when we were in college.

But Joie learned it from her mom (my sister)

Who learned it from our mom.

And suddenly I was craving peanut butter and pickle sandwiches also, so in honor of the peanut butter and pickle sandwich being passed down through three whole generations of moms, that's what we had for dinner.

And chips, because that's what Gabby wanted (Lay's Natural...check out the ingredient list here... probably not considered health food, but that's not a bad ingredient list.)

"And everyone grab some carrots or peas out of the refrigerator," I said, but I don't think they listened.  (It may very well be that pickles were the only vegetable my children ate today.)

And the healthy crêpe recipe just in case you're dying to try it... 

(I have said before I'm not a talented cook, correct?)

Healthy Crêpes:

I put 8-10 eggs, 1 1/2 cups of oats, and about 1 cup of almond milk in the Vitamix and blend it beyond recognition (the oats become the only flour).

Heat butter or oil in a frying pan or skillet and pour in batter and cook.

The recipe was created out of desperation last year to feed a allergy-ridden child, and we continue to use it in place of pancakes.  Adjust the ingredients to get the taste and texture you want.  If you use vanilla almond milk you don't have to add sweetener.  

Toppings we love:  strawberries and whipped cream, 100% pure maple syrup, fruit spread...  I suppose peanut butter and pickles could also work.

Hope your Mother's Day was a good one!