Donny and Marie--The Rest of the Story

The truth:  Tim is a fan.  I know who they are.  I appreciate their talent and professionalism, and I think they have an incredible story.  I think Marie is an amazing, strong, accomplished, talented and resilient woman--love that she is real and what she stands for.

However, back when Donny and Marie were huge pop culture icons, I was growing up in rural Idaho, in a home without a TV because antenna signals weren't strong enough back then to reach us.  My first intro to Donny and Marie (after we got a TV) was my mom being excited for us to watch their Christmas special on TV.  My mom had also been excited for us to watch Lawrence Welk.  For all I knew, Donny and Marie were in the same category as Lawrence Welk.  If my mom liked it, I was sure it was my duty as a budding teen to not like them.

When I realized who they were, I thought their story was cool, but I missed out on the mania that creates lifelong fans...

Which is what Tim is.

When our children were younger, he bought a Donny and Marie CD and put it in the car CD player.  One day my kids were singing Donny and Marie songs.  It was then I heard that when I wasn't in the car, they would drive around with Tim with the windows down singing along to the Donny and Marie CD at the top of their longs.  (So glad I wasn't with them.)  I can appreciate the talent of the Osmonds without singing their songs at the top of my lungs, right?

But when their show was coming to Salt Lake City so close to Christmas, I couldn't resist getting tickets for Tim...

And what an amazing show.  They really are talented performers...  50 years in the business and still going strong in a business that chews people up and spits them out...selling out shows 5 times a week in Las Vegas, winning awards in Vegas, where shows are known for pushing limits... That's impressive.

So, yup.  There you have it.  The rest of the story.

Day In Review...If You Give A Mouse A Cookie

You know those days when the day leads you?  When best laid plans get ignored? (a.k.a give-a-mouse-a-cookie kind of days.)

But before the day in review, I need to say Tim and I had huge plans to attend Donny and Marie concert in Salt Lake City later in the evening...Tim's Christmas present from me, and I did surprise him, unlike most other years.  Yes, I bought the tickets in November and Tim still didn't find out.

Day in review:

• Plan to do some winter cleaning...
• Drove Megan to basketball practice
• Start winter cleaning, which included a nice sized donation pile.
• Tim was doing his some winter organizing of his own in his office...new set of shelves he built.
• Couldn't get down the hall while he was moving the shelves in so I got put on guinea pig babysitting duty while Gabby cleaned her guinea pig cage (guinea pigs are a gift from Santa).
• Jeran found Kohl's cash while helping Tim move shelves that had to be used by the 1st.  (Note:  Change of plans...add trip to Kohl's into my day, when I go to drop off huge donation pile, and pick up the tickets from my office where I hid them.)
• Somehow the dog and the guinea pigs got into the same room...no harm.  Dog was curious, but not interested in making Gabby's new pets into a meal.
• Relieved of pet sitting duty.
• Leave to pick up Megan from basketball practice.
• Megan is dizzy and feels like passing out.  She eats and feels a little better, but as we're talking about symptoms, she named some symptoms of diabetes (which runs in her genes...over 50% of the population of Marshall Islanders over 30 has diabetes...something I've always worried about).
• Call a friend who is a nurse and takes care of daily testing for students with diabetes in our school district.  Wait for her to call me back.
• Megan feels better but is still pretty wiped out.
• I go to Kohl's.  Friend calls back while I'm there...thinks Megan should get checked out.  Tim has a friend who also works with diabetics.  He said the same thing.
• Cry on the phone to Tim because the emotions of the day and worry about Megan hit me all at once.
• Tim takes Nate to driving portion of his driver's license test.  Nate passed.  (Huge, loud cheering.)
• Finish at Kohl's and go home to take Megan to Urgent Care without dropping off donations (which are still, at this late hour, in the back of the Durango).
• 2.5 hours at Urgent Care.  It's their busiest week of the year (the nurse said so).  All the while I'm wondering who Tim will take to the concert if Megan is sick or in the hospital and I can't go...
• Turns out Megan's blood sugar is ok...She was dehydrated.  
• Stop at the store to buy some healthy food as Megan tries to talk me into every sugary treat imaginable because apparently, 2.5 hours of imagining her life with sugar restrictions had left her with some cravings (but I said no...such a good mom...who is more determined than ever to help this girl never get diabetes).
• Get home in time to see the huge mess I left trying to get some cleaning done...which would have to remain a huge mess because no matter what, we were going to the concert.
• But first I had to drop Jeran off at a birthday party and pick up the tickets from my office.
• Enjoyed an amazing evening of entertainment with Tim and about 2,700 of Donny and Marie's friends.

Image credit shared by my friend on facebook when she knew we were going to the concert

...And the mouse hangs the picture on the refrigerator and stands back to admire his work and seeing the refrigerator, wants milk, then asks for a cookie to go with it...  And the whole thing starts over again tomorrow.

It's Been A While...

...Almost three months since my last real blog post?  Really?  (The last two were just acknowledgement of my little hiatus.)

Mono kicked my hiney.  There are still some days I yawn at work (not a good thing for a therapist to do a whole lot of), and I'm amazed still at how fast I can feel exhausted.  Mostly though, I have more days now where I feel "normal," so I'll take it.

But really...  Where to begin?

November...  National Adoption Month.  Thanksgiving.  Most years I have a lot to say about both.  Our November tradition around here is to focus on gratitude by naming things we're thankful for every day and trying to fill up our kernel jar.

This year I heard a question early in November that made our gratitude focus a little different.  The question was "Have I seen the hand of God reaching out to touch me or one of my family members this day?"

As imperfectly as we could with crazy teen schedules and a parent with mono, we tried to focus on this question when we talked about gratitude.  ...Different twist, and I think a great way for us to focus attention on how God's hand is in the details.

Also on Thanksgiving Day, Tim and I celebrated our 18th anniversary.  Happy day.

We even left the kids overnight the weekend prior to Thanksgiving to celebrate...  All by themselves...  All five of them...  And the house was still here when we got back...  And they're all still alive.  

I know.  Amazing.  

And there's more...  So much, much more, but I'm sure we'll catch up.  Or not.  Either way, I think I'm blogging again.  Time will tell.

Jarman Brothers

When I met Tim, he told me he came from a family of 10 children, "all girls but eight."  

Like most large families, it's rare to get everyone in one place at the same time, but having six out of the eight in one place at one time isn't bad!  

The occasion:  Family party to celebrate the upcoming wedding of one of Tim's nieces (Parry's daughter).

Matt, Paul, Peter, Tim, Dean Sr., Parry, Dean Jr.
Missing:  James, Lee

We told them to do something funny...creativity at it's best.

What an awesome group of guys!

It's A Beautiful Day in the Neighborhood

This morning Tim was serenading the shower head...at 5:30 a.m.  Guess what he was singing? (Huge hint in the title above...)  There's nothing like a little Fred Rogers to start the day off right (and when he forgot the lyrics about 2 lines into the song he started making up lyrics...hilarious!)

It's always a good day when Tim serenades the shower head.  It's been months since that happened.  And somehow the girls slept through it all...

But in 15 minutes I'll wake Megan up for early morning soccer practice.  She'll be thrilled.

What a journey of healing the past few months have been.  There's no way to describe it...but you know me...I have to try.

...But not right this moment.  All I really wanted to say is:  He's baaack!  And serenading the shower head has never sounded so good.

Just to Clarify

Note to self:  Don't hit publish at 2:00 in the morning.

Warning to everyone else:  Read the previous post with caution.

I do think I might have alarmed a few people with that last post, so just to clarify:  Tim and I are married and in love.

But just to better explain my last post, I thought of an analogy.  On March 11, 2011 there was an earthquake and tsunami in Japan.  Over a  year later, many of us have forgotten the devastation, but were reminded recently as debris from the tsunami started washing ashore half way around the world.  The debris has been floating in the currents of the Pacific, undetected until it washed ashore.  It was mysterious and amazing, as so many things in nature are, and a reminder of the power of Mother Nature that the effects of that earthquake and tsunami could be felt all these months later.  Although people in Japan continued to recover, many of the rest of us have forgotten, and as is human, we focus on our own lives and challenges.

Almost 5 years ago, our family and many, many others were affected by the deaths of Ruth, Nick and Audrey.  The initial effects of this loss were tremendous on all those who experienced it (not just our family, but many, many others).  Within months of this loss, many people had moved on and little by little, so did we.  Then several months ago, Tim and I started to notice debris from this tragedy washing ashore in our relationship.  It surprised us, and caught us off guard, but was a reminder of the power of this kind of tragedy, and the need to continue the healing process.  On the other side of that healing is more family growth, and new and deeper meaning about life and love and family, which makes us thankful again we have each other.

One of the pieces of debris we noticed was our own self-imposed need to get this all right.  No mistakes allowed.  To much was at stake.  It put us in a place in our relationship where we didn't want to burden each other with our worries, fears, challenges, etc. because we understood how much each other already had on our plates.  We were too busy dealing with what was in front of us to worry about the possibility of what might wash ashore later.

It's now later, and it's a relief to us both to be able to be at this point, and yet a reminder of the power of the kind of loss we've been through, as well as the losses our children have been through.  It is likely that grief/loss/trauma debris will continue to wash ashore for years to come.  At this particular point, I just wanted a break in my mind from blogging about it all.

That's it.  Nothing more.

Family.  Forever, for always, no matter what. 

(And Tim--I'm still looking for that guest post.)

Goodbye...Sort of

Has anyone noticed how blog posts are dwindling?   For a lot of reasons, I just don't have blogging in me right now.  I won't say I'm not going to post on here anymore, because you know me...always something to say.  I'm just taking a break from this for now...kind of like a summer break.  

And as fate would have it, something funky happened to my blog formatting last week, and as I was messing with the template to bring our blog back to life, I started reading back over our blog.  I wasn't in a great place that day, and as I kept seeing the word "healing" I kept asking myself what that really meant.

I think at one point I wished it meant there would be a time where we might be able to peel back the proverbial band-aid and magically not see a scar, even though I knew that we'd feel the ripples of tragedy for a lifetime.  

In reality, I've known healing is a journey, and that is where this brings us now...to a new point in our journey.

Recently Tim and I have recognized that in the process of bringing Joie into our family, we both felt a lot of pressure to get this right.  Neither of us felt like we could fail.  

Don't get me wrong...  What we have is beautiful.  It has been an amazing experience to be a part of this journey of Joie's (and now Gabby's) life.  At the same time, it's probably safe to say that no one ever asks to become a member of the grief/loss/trauma club...  Four years and ten months ago, we woke up one morning and were just going about the day...  Then there was that phone call no one wants to hear...  And so it was that we woke up one morning as a family of five and went to sleep five days later as a family of six and during those five days, ripples were set into motion that effect us still today.

Which brings me back to what Tim and I have been recognizing...the pressure to get it right.  

At some point early in this journey, there was an unspoken agreement between Tim and I that we couldn't fail.  Two huge extended families had trusted us to raise Joie, and in our eyes, at the time she joined our family, she was collectively the child of the Campbells and Weavers...not ours.  It still sometimes feels like we can't say "ours."  

Which brings me to another point where it feels imperative we get this right...

We're all hoping to float around on clouds one day with Nick, Ruth, and Audrey, and it would be really, really, really awkward if we all showed up to greet them without Joie.  Can you imagine that conversation?  Uhhh...Sorry guys.  We failed.  It turns out we weren't the right ones to get her through her difficult life.  

And so it goes, on and on...never failing, only getting it right...  (And to Campbells and Weavers and everyone else who supports us, we should clarify we're talking about pressure we put there ourselves in some kind of twisted impression that we had control over any of this during a time when we were grasping at trying to stay in control of something...anything.)    

As it turns out, Mr. Can't Fail has been a sort of invisible, lurking member of our family for a long time, and we're just starting to figure it out.  (For fans of narrative therapy, wasn't that great use of stepping away from the problem?  I even named it...huge pat on the back.)

So what does that have to do with not blogging?  (Yes...there's a long answer.)  

We started this blog as a way to stay connected to people who loved Joie.  Way back when, it was through blogging that we got to know Joie's extended family, who have become like our own extended family.  We love them more than we can say, and have appreciated their support of us in raising Joie.  Also as Gabby joined our family, blogging continued to be a way to let people in Gabby's life know how she was doing.

Then along the way, more people started joining in our little blogging community as our blog was shared on adoption forums, grief forums, and in other more public ways.  I get traffic from everywhere on this blog.  In a way, it was good to share our story, and to know that our story was helping others, and maybe some day there will be another time and place for that...

Meanwhile, at the end of the day, the people under our own roof matter most.  As Tim and I have talked about this pressure we've felt since Joie joined our family, we've also become aware of the effect that unrealistic pressure has on our own relationship.  As a couple, it's hard to be ourselves with each other if we have to worry about getting it right all the time...  (So we went back to talking about our fears last night...and weaknesses...and it felt good to be real again.)

And don't get me wrong.  We superimposed that pressure before we started blogging...but consciously or unconsciously, we're living part of our story through the eyes of other people.  I'm a huge believer in looking up, not looking out or around us as we live life...

(Short break.)

As I was getting ready to post this, I called and read it to Tim over the phone.  He is on his way back from Manti with the kids.  He took them to the Manti Pageant while I worked today.  (Huge bummer for me.)  As I was reading it to him, I could tell he was a little surprised I was doing this.  I asked him what he felt was missing.  As we talked, the take-away was the irony of this situation--something else we would want people to know.  In all our attempts to not fall apart, we really have fallen apart in our own ways...then we put pressure on each other not to fall apart.  Crazy cycle.  Crazy grief.  Crazy trauma.  There is no way but through.

And so it is that we say our sort-of "for now" good-bye.  

For family, we'll take our boring day-to-day blog somewhere else...

For everyone else, thank you for the support and kind words.  There is life after loss.  There is healing after grief.  We know it.  We live it every day.  

Family:  Forever, for always, no matter what.   

P. S.  Stay tuned.  Tim said he had something to post...  And for anyone who remembers, it was breaking news when he read this blog before, and he has left long comments on occasion that should be posts themselves (see links inside the breaking news post).  If I knew taking a blogging break would get him to guest post, I would have done it long ago!

P. P. S.  Today I added a clarification to this post after I successfully alarmed several family members...hope this helps to clarify.

Fruit and Being Forty-Something

Yesterday we picked these from our tree...

And those were just the ones we could reach...about 6 or 7 gallons of cherries.  Most years we only get a few cherries.  One year we had worms.  Many times the frost kills the blossoms.  And since we inherited this tree when we bought the house, we're happy to have cherries when we get them, but usually only a little disappointed when we don't.

And the tree itself has (at one time or another) has been all of the following:  a climbing tree, a home to nesting birds (and other critters, I'm sure), a quiet spot of shade, the canopy over a special flower garden, a great hiding spot for hide-n-seek, and a source of fun piles of leaves in the fall.  It's also been home to a treehouse, and if Gabby can convince Nate to help her, it will be home to another treehouse before the summer is over.  I guess you could say even when it's not producing fruit, it's still a fruitful tree.  We love our cherry tree.

Yesterday was also Tim's birthday...

Tim is no fuss about his birthdays.  He never makes requests (even when I pester him) and we have to sneak in surprises we think he'd like (like the awesomely detailed car he's now driving).  He even managed a little fuss for the sake of celebration, and surprised the girls by taking them to breakfast.  Later we made him his own personal cherry crisp (with a bigger one for us) and he let us sing to him...see how thrilled he is?  He's really a lot happier without the fuss, but he does it for us.

So where am I going with all of this?  As it turns out, this all ties together...

Harvesting cherries on the same day we were celebrating Tim's birthday had me thinking about the connections between how I feel about him, and how I feel about our tree.

In his lifetime, Tim has been a fun, willing place to climb and wrestle; a gentle home to children who need a place to rest their heads; a quiet source of  protection; the canopy over a special, blooming family; and a one-man source of entertainment and play.  I'm not so sure his leaves fall off in the fall, but he is starting to lose some hair.  Does that count?   

But back to fruit...  Yesterday while I was picking cherries, I thought of the phrase, "...By their fruits ye shall know them."  (Matt 7: 16)  In that phrase, Jesus teaches us that you can tell what kind of person someone is by their "fruits," or by the outcome of their life.  Hopefully Tim lives another forty-something years, and God willing, I plan to be  around to enjoy all those years with him, because as much as I love Tim, I also love the fruit of Tim's life.

When I met Tim, my love and admiration for him grew as I got to know him. He talked about some not-so-fruitful years, but above all else he was kind, funny and thoughtful, and I loved the connection we shared.  I had dated a lot of other guys--enough to know that I needed the real, kind, sincere affection that was in Tim's heart, and Tim's heart alone.  I had faith in that loving, kind, generous heart, and still do.  One sister-in-law posted on facebook for Tim's birthday that he is the "heart of the family" and I couldn't agree more.

Again, what does this have to do with fruit?  Yesterday, from the fruit of the tree in our backyard we got this:

And this:  

We also got 8 mostly full gallon bags of cherries for our freezer.  Yum!  (And yes, we own a cherry pitter.  If you own a cherry tree, you must own a cherry pitter.)

And Tim?

In the last week, he has been working midnight shifts...only one word for that:  brutal!  But going back to shift work means we have him here at home again, and not traveling.  He chose family over comfort.  That's just Tim.  And in the past few weeks, his fun energy has actually lead the grumpy teens amazing kiddos in accomplishing a huge number of home and yard work projects.  He's also started remodeling our bathroom (yeah!) and even involved the boys in teaching them how to drywall and mud.  On the second night, he let Nate drywall alone because Nate wanted to try it on his own.  Tim said later to me that he knew he might have to fix it with mud later, but he wanted Nate to learn.  (Turns out Nate is a natural.)  Then to top it all off, on Friday (Tim's last day off before he started another round of midnight shifts), Nate forgot his sleeping bag for camp.  He was at a scout training prep camp near Evanston, and it was supposed to be cold that night.  Tim knew Nate might try to be the tough guy and not say anything to leaders, so while I was working, he loaded the girls in the car and drove Nate's sleeping bag to him.  They didn't get home until that evening, and I was worried the girls might have been upset about having to spend the day in the car, but Joie and Gabby told me later, "Dad said he likes to spend time with his girls," and they told me how much fun they had on their road trip.  

I could go on and on, but I know if Tim reads this he'd also want me to keep it real.  Life isn't all smiles.  Some days we find worms in the fruit.  Some days frost kills the possibility of fruit.  That's life.  And when it happens, of course we're disappointed.  We'd prefer season after season of beautiful blooms and gallons and gallons of fruit...or at least that's what we think.  It seems like it usually takes some bad seasons to make us reach and grow.  

So here's to fruit...

And seasons of what seems like no fruit...

And to trees that are filled with fruit, even when there isn't fruit in the branches...

And here's to Tim...

And many more harvests...

And here's to forever.

Adieu

Adieu...but not for long.  We're sort of on vacation for a week.  Tomorrow I drive the kids to Juniper to spend the week with my parents...

Then I drive home and Tim and I leave for (drum roll please)...

Oklahoma City, Oklahoma...

(I can imagine the stunned silence.)

And did you know it's still technically tornado season?  But I checked the weather forecast and there's only a few days of thunder storms while we're there...thunder storms, not tornados.

As you all know, Tim has been traveling a lot this year.  His last trip (at least until fall) is to Oklahoma...

Turns out it's spring break...

Voila!  Vacation...  Again, sort of.  Tim and I in the same place at the same time...  That qualifies, right?

Home

This water bottle:

 These keys:

 And this luggage:

All in one place at one time = Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.....

If absence makes the heart grow fonder then this year has made us all very, very fond of Tim.  It's good to have him home! 

Confessions of a Single Mom

I am not a single parent.  I do not pretend to even begin to understand the challenges of being a single parent.  My heart goes out to those who do it unselfishly day and night.  My own little peek into the life of a single parent is just that--a peek.  Tim has been out of town for 2-3 weeks (mostly on the 3 side) out of every month since last fall...every other month before that.  After a short trip in April he's finished.  Nothing could make our family happier.

I remember being on my mission in the Marshall Islands (almost 20 years ago, but who's counting) and getting to the point where the culture that had once been difficult to understand became second nature to me.  I remember questioning the luxuries of my western world upbringing, and embracing the idea that people mattered more than things.  At the same time, there was a part of me that knew, no matter how much I immersed myself in the culture and language, I would never really know what it was like to be an islander.  I knew that I was free to love all the amazing things about this island culture but would never really know the hardship of life there--what it was like to go hungry when there wasn't money for food; or what it was like to have a father or brother rage in a drunken fit of anger; or to be without hope for a future because there was no opportunity for education.  Even when I was terribly sick, I knew if it got worse, I'd be on a plane home, safe in the care of advanced medicine.

I think similarly now about my little stint in the world of single parenthood.  In some small form, this experience (one of my most difficult parenting experiences to date) has given me a glimpse into some of the realities of single parenthood which I hope to never experience more than I already have.

I can't begin to name all the things I've done out of desperation just to survive a day, here are a few:

• Food:  I'm typically a nutrition nut...whole foods all the way.  There are very few exceptions.  Over the past year, I've turned into a  creature of convenience when it comes to food and meals when Tim is gone.  On the menu this past few weeks have been frozen burritos, pizza rolls, and even cold cereal (also now on the menu for breakfast) and Tim orders pizza for us (from Atlanta) at least once a week.
• Bedtime:  Bedtimes are now strictly optional.  I'm sort of kidding, but sort of not.  I can see what a slippery slope this could be.  On days I'm completely exhausted, I push them in the general direction of bed later than usual (and day light savings time didn't help).  Waking up is also taking on a life of it's own.  I won't go as far as saying it's optional, but certainly I agree with the idea that there should be exceptions to getting kids to school on time if you're a single parent.
• And you know way back when my children were younger and I used to go to the store at night after my kiddos were in bed?  Back then they were safely tucked in bed with dad at home to make sure they stayed there or to answer any calls for help.  Back then I used to look at parents who would drag their children to the store that late and wonder who in the world would keep their children up that late...  Now I know.  It's single moms who have to go to the store and don't want to leave a child home alone.  In my case, I have teens, and most of them don't care about being alone for a while, but when mom time is limited, they often want to tag along.  And because mom time is limited, I let them.
• Homework:  Not optional, but sometimes late, and this past week Megan worked on an assignment way past when it was due.  It's hard to keep up with all the assignments as a single mom.  Also, Gabby's teacher told me in parent-teacher conference that she'd be sending home some vocabulary with Gabby.  I haven't checked Gabby's folder in over a week, and just remembered on Friday that I was supposed to be reviewing vocabulary with Gabby.  
• Jobs/Chores:  Of course a schedule and routine is preferable.  I know that.  But have you ever tried to enforce a schedule and routine when you're not home?  I'm a taxi mom these days.  I try not to over schedule my kids, but even with one activity each (or two...sometimes I let them choose one music and one sport activity), that's 5 different activities (or more), with sometimes nightly practices, games, lessons, etc.  Add to that church activities, and my own church callings...  It's a formula for exhaustion, so don't even talk to me about the chores and routine.  Every night is a fend night (a.k.a. FFY; a.k.a. Fend For Yourself).
• Electronics:  If you have read anything I've written about electronics, you know how I feel about limiting electronics.  But isn't it funny how even strong values start to slip under the constraints of limited physical and emotional energy?  The other day Jeran was home from school sick.  What do you do when you're sick but watch TV, right?  But for whatever reason, when I came home he ran to his room and pretended to be sleeping in his bed.  I knew he hadn't been there the whole time sleeping.  Later he admitted they've all been leaving the blinds open downstairs so they can see me pull into the driveway and turn off the TV.  I told them how we used to do the same thing as kids.  (You already know this, right mom?)  We'd take turns sitting on the kitchen countertop by the sink looking out the front window (watching TV at the same time) so we could see my mom coming and turn off the TV and pretend to be busy.   I'm sure she knew, just like I know, but the honest truth is I don't even care.  How sad is that?  I think if I'm not here, at least they're not in trouble.  Again, it's that slippery slope, and it has crossed my mind that if I was really a single mom, I'd have to choose to fight (or not fight) that battle in favor of just saving the physical and emotional energy for the battles that really matter.

I say all of this knowing that I haven't really let it all go.  I find ways to fit in nutrition, limit electronics, and keep the schedule going, because I know at the end of three weeks I'll get support and get a break.  I also know I can call Tim and get his support...it's like calling in reinforcements.  Chores and homework do get done...not perfectly, but that support is there.  Ultimately, at the end of the day, if my kids are loved and fed, it's a good day.  If they're loved, fed, getting chores and homework done, and getting to school on time, that's a bonus.

My heart does go out in a new way to moms who do this every day.  I do have support from a distance.   That ordering pizza thing he does from Atlanta is extremely convenient.  I love it when pizza just shows up at our door already paid for.  I posted that on facebook and there were some volunteers to get on the pizza delivery list.  I get that most single parents don't get that kind of support.  And did I also say he orders flowers?  I get new flowers every month.  Also the other day he even broke up a fight between Joie and Gabby (over a picture on a shoebox..of all the crazy things to fight about).  ...On the flip side, there was that one day I told him to call and remind Gabby to do the dishes, and she expertly told him the dishes were already done so she could get another (easier) job.  Smart girl!  

There is no perfect way to do this.  I guess that's life.  Certainly we didn't set out to have Tim's involvement in his current work last this long.  It's been a mixed bag of blessings for sure.  The reality is that he doesn't want to be gone any more than we want him to be gone.  A few months ago we worked it out so he could be back home again, and guess what???  We're finally there!  The single mom/absent dad era is ending.  (Huge sigh.)

Now for 3 days of crazy before he gets here...  Soccer practice, soccer meeting, Family Home Evening, play practice, singing lessons, soccer practice again (x 3), stake Activity Days, carpools, end of term projects due...and I'm sure there are other things I've forgotten.  Counting the days!

Just Keep Swimming...

I read this quote this week:

"Missing someone isn't about how long it has been since you've seen them or the amount of time since you've talked.  It's about that very moment when you find yourself doing something and wishing they were right there by your side."  

That about says it all.  We miss Tim.  Every moment of every day.

I miss him because he's the other adult in my life...the other parent...the friend I talk to...the Type B to balance my Type A...the extra set of hands during our busy, busy evenings.

The kids miss him because he's dad...the fun...the energy...the Type B to balance mom's Type A...the extra set of hands that makes mom less stressed.

Two parents means possibilities.  It means support.  It means always having someone there.  Over the years, Tim and I have perfected tag-teaming.  We got really, really good at it when we had two infants and a two year old (and to think that I thought it would be easier when they got older).  As life marches forward, no matter what happens, if one of us is busy, the other one steps up.  If one of us is tired, the other one steps up.  If one of us is sad, overwhelmed, or just plain losing it, the other one steps up.  

When half of the tag team is gone, parenting is exhausting.  Nothing seems the same when one piece of the puzzle is missing.  

The kids feel it too.  Gabby occasionally gets physically ill if something is amiss in her life.  It seems like most of the time we can do what it takes to affirm that she's ok, and she starts doing better.  This week that didn't happen.  It was a beyond brutal week as far as afternoon/evening schedules, one in which tag-teaming instead of tagging would have made a huge difference.  The end result was Gabby feeling alone and neglected.  To make matters worse, one of her best friends recently moved, and another one of her best friends was out of town for the week.  On top of that, she gets stressed about birthdays, and birthday plans, surprises, etc.  Knowing what to expect is huge, and mom having a birthday that was celebrated with my family in Idaho, then celebrated before dad went out of town, then celebrated again on my birthday was all kinds of unpredictable.  (Albeit fun for me!  Anytime I get a birthday week I'll take it.)  

Gabby is actually getting good at recognizing when stress is making her sick, and told me it was coming.  Days ahead of time she had body aches, head aches, and stomach aches.  I did what I could between juggling acts to reassure her and give her the connection she needed to feel, but it wasn't enough.  There's only so much one busy parent can do...and my best wasn't enough (huge load of mom guilt...and a few tears).

Thursday when she called me from school and was feeling sick, I knew the nerves had won.  Sure enough, as soon as she got in the car she opened the door, leaned out, and threw up in the parking lot (minimal amount on the car).  

Friday morning I cancelled appointments and stayed home with her (she didn't have school that day anyway).  We hung out in our pajamas, cuddled, watched her favorite TV show, and talked.  She told me she knew her sickness was a stress sickness, but she couldn't stop it.  Through tears she said, "It seems like whenever dad is gone and you're not here.  It's like I don't have parents."  

Ouch.  

But worse than feeling the mom guilt was feeling helpless about being able to do anything about it.  I was doing all I could, but I was only one person, and it wasn't enough.

My solution?  Say no to everything that isn't absolutely necessary...easier said than done.  Megan and Jeran wanted to hang out with friends that night, and I felt bad for Gabby and Joie so we were shopping for project ideas at the craft store.  Jeran called after his activity to see if he could go to his friend's house for a late night.  After saying I wouldn't live in the car that evening, I was still living in my car, and knew I had to say no at some point.  I knew it, and I said it.  

"I'm sorry.  I just can't do it," I said.  I heard the disappointment in his voice, but knew we were only a few minutes away from where he needed to be picked up so we left the store to go meet him.  The look on his face and the tone of voice said it all.  He was disappointed, and in spite of my best efforts to explain my human limitations (like needing sleep and food), he remained disappointed.  

I couldn't win.  Once again, alone I wasn't enough.  As we drove home in a quiet car, I started to cry.  

I really, really wanted to go to Idaho this weekend to be with my parents and family again when my parents were talking in church about their mission, but as the day progressed nothing on the "to do" list was getting done, but somehow we were busy all day.  The soonest we could leave was 6:00 p.m.  It was either that or 6:00 a.m. Sunday morning.  

"Say no to everything that isn't absolutely necessary," came into my mind, but I ignored it.  For some reason in my crazed mind, 6 hours in a car with five children, two dogs, and no adult company when I was already very, very tired of driving everywhere sounded necessary.  My motivation was wanting to be with family.  If only I could click my magic heels...

As Saturday progressed, it looked more likely that we'd leave Sunday morning.  By this time I was praying, and asking God to help guide this crazed mind through the day and through the decision making process...

That evening Jeran and Megan were getting sore throats and colds.  In the wee hours of the morning, Jeran woke up wheezing with an asthma attack to accompany his cold.

Not going to Idaho.

Homesick.

Missing Tim.

Missing "normal."

Wishing my mommy super powers would just kick in and make it all better.

Then in the middle of a discussion with Joie tonight she told me she told her class today in church that her relationship with her mom "could be better" because her mom isn't home much.  (More mom guilt...more tears...)

Somehow I start again tomorrow morning at 6:00 a.m. (which will feel like 5:00 a.m. because of daylight savings time).

Nine more days until my other half is home.

All day I keep thinking of what Dory said to Marlin in Finding Nemo:  

"Do you know whatcha gotta do, when life gets you down?  Just keep swimming, just keep swimming.”

So I'm swimming, swimming, swimming...

(And maybe buying a few boxes of Girl Scout cookies...those looked really good the other day.)

Lunch Surprise

Today while I was at work I got a call from Tim (who was not at work).

"Guess where I am?" he said.

It turns out he was just leaving Joie's school after having lunch with her.

She forgot her lunch today, and called to see if he'd drop it off (not sure why she didn't just take school lunch for the day, but oh, well.)

If you've read this blog before you know Tim's stance on dropping things off at school if the kids forget...  Usually it's a hard, "No."  (Something about teaching responsibility...  My stance is, "It depends," mostly because if the teaching responsibility technique worked, why do adults forget things?  And are responsibility and memory really connected?  ...Maybe all questions to ponder a different day.)

The good news for today was this:

In Joie's words, she was waiting for dad to come walking through the door with a brown bag and instead he came walking through the door with "a colorful looking bag that looked a lot like a McDonald's bag."  

Dad scores.  (And apparently, so did Joie.)

So I guess at the end of the day we're not teaching responsibility...because the lesson of the day would be if you forget your lunch you get McDonald's.

But when I heard Tim tell me what he did, I had tears in my eyes.  I'd much rather teach love than responsibility, and I guarantee Joie will never forget the day Dad brought McDonald's to school.

(And speaking of adult memory, I'm happy to report that mine is working fine these days...no new incidents of missing keys since this day.)

So Excited I Can't Stand It!

I can't contain the excitement any longer!

Because this guy...

Is finally on his way home from Atlanta!  He'll get here late enough that the kids won't know...

Until they wake up the morning of Valentine's Day to find dad making breakfast in the kitchen.

(Shhhhh....don't tell them.  They think he's coming home on the 16th but he was able to leave early!)

Like I said, I'm so excited I can't stand it!

Early Christmas

I can't ever surprise Tim.  

Ok--maybe not "never" but at least rarely.

In the span of our years together, Tim has discovered almost ever gift I've ever intended for him, not because he's nosy...  In fact he doesn't even look for his presents.  He just happens to find them, no matter how or where I hide them.

This year the kids unanimously decided that Dad needed a new phone.  He has previously been the owner of the first generation of the Android phone.  In phone years that makes his phone really, really old, and he just hasn't upgraded yet...

So we decided to do it for him.  

This was the plan:  

1. Buy the phone two days before Christmas with instructions to activate on Christmas Day.  
2. Purchase the phone on the Verizon account so it wouldn't show up on the debit card.
3. Hide the phone at my office until Christmas Eve.  Tim was working a midnight shift on Christmas Eve and the day before Christmas Eve.  He would be sleeping a lot during the day.  Chances of him finding out about the phone...about .001%.

I was proud of us for concocting this plan.

This was the phone we selected...a much improved and updated version of his well-used loved Android phone.   

Jeran, who was with me, thought dad would like the iPhone.  I love mine, but explained to Jeran that dad, who I have known for 17.5 years doesn't usually go for huge changes.  I told Jeran about the time the person cutting Tim's hair suggested a new hairstyle.  The result?  He didn't go back to her.  Shirt style, pants, shoes...all 100% predictable.

Here's where the plan went wrong.  While Jeran and I were making the purchase, Tim was supposed to be catching a few hours of sleep before going to work.  Instead, he and the teen gang ended up at the mall...

And while Tim was waiting for the teen gang to shop, he saw the Verizon store at the mall and decided he would upgrade his phone while waiting.

Really?  

From what I'm told, here's how the conversation went:  

Verizon service representative:  How can I help you?

Tim:  I need to upgrade my phone.

Verizon service representative (checking the computer for the upgrade):  Ummm...I'm showing you're not due for an upgrade until 2013.

Really?  

About an hour later, with Tim's phone tucked securely away at my office, Tim started dropping hints that he knew about my purchase.

"I think I'll upgrade my phone in January."

I kept my poker face.  He'd be so surprised.

Then:  "I think I'll get an iPhone."

My poker face was slipping a little.

Finally, with a huge grin on his face he told me about his encounter with the friendly grinch Verizon service representative at the mall.  GRRRRRRRR!

The good news is, we got the right phone.

The better news (for Tim) is that he got an early Christmas present.

The bad news for me is that somehow, once again, Tim discovered a surprise.

I'm open to suggestions for next year.  Anyone?  Anyone?

To Tim With Love

Dear Tim:

Just wanted to let you know before you come home that I have a new roommate.  As you can see she has grown quite comfy on your side of the bed.

The bonding time with Gabby has been good, but personally, I am counting the days until you're home again.  I miss you!

Love,

Mary

9 days until Tim comes home!

Confessions

I need to confess:

• My house is a mess.
• I'm behind on notes at work.
• I didn't check Gabby's backpack for an entire week and missed some important notes.  (Isn't she supposed to give them to me?)
• Instead of cleaning my house this afternoon, I read and took a nap.
• I also burned the sweet potato chips I was trying to roast for dinner.  (The not-burned ones were delicious.)
• I skipped back-to-school night tonight.
• I haven't done laundry for 3 days.
• Scripture reading tonight was Nathan reading us a list of law-of-Moses rules from the book of Numbers in the Bible while everyone was working on homework.

But I have an excuse...a lot of them actually.

• Tim is out of town for the next three weeks.
• He left Tuesday and Gabby came home from school sick that day.  I think I'm getting what she has but I started taking airborne when she came home sick so even though I'm a little run-down, I'm not sick (yet).
• That was the same day Nate started cross-country practice at the same time Megan had soccer practice...just one of those times two parents makes things easier.
• Blossom peed on my bedroom floor and spent the afternoon howling the roofers in neighbor's backyard.  It seemed to really, really bother her that people were on the roof.  (And it really, really bothered the whole neighborhood that she felt she had to howl at the people on the roof, which is why the doggie door was closed and why she peed on the carpet.)
• The dishwasher also broke the day Tim left.  The kitchen hasn't been clean since he left.  I'm blaming the dishwasher, but the truth is that the kitchen might not be completely clean until Tim gets back since he is the best at staying on top of the constant flow of food and dishes that is our kitchen.
• One of the girl's elastic headbands got jammed in the printer which caused some stress in a house full of jr. high and high school students who are feeling homework pressure.  (Thank you, Jeran, for fixing it.)
• Then there is the usual--errands, phone calls, appointments, yard, carpools, sports, PTA meeting, Activity Days...

I don't want to complain because I know that some husbands have to travel for work a lot more than Tim, but I keep feeling the whiner in me threatening to burst through.  I hate that I feel like I live in the car on afternoons when he's gone...and when I'm living in the car, I'm not here at home.  Dinner and jobs are then chaotic, and somehow there are a million things left undone.  One of my clients at work today was telling me about her maid, and while I was supposed to be listening, all I could think was, "A maid?  Really?  I want one."  

Meanwhile, there are still the funny, happy things and we try to focus on those.  

• Gabby is starting to feel better and was in rare form tonight with comments that kept me laughing all the way through homework.  
• Megan made the carpool wait while she ran back in the house to get mouthwash.  
• Jeran made horse bars (don't ask) as an after school snack the day Tim left because Tim usually does that and was gone.  
• Joie did all the dishes for me last night which is amazing if you know her history with jobs.  
• Nate is loving cross-country, and pushing himself on homework and training for cross-country...so nice to have the motivation come from him, not me!

It's all about perspective, right?  I guess focusing on the big picture is my spoonful of sugar for the next few weeks.  (Nineteen days to be exact, until Tim is home.)

Sunday Sharing

So many thoughts about Dads on this important day.  I wish I could have done a Father's Day Week series like I did for Mother's Day but there's no way this week would allow that.

My heart is full of love for dads.  My own dad was amazing in that role.  I posted this on facebook:

"My dad had 12 kids and we all still think we're his favorite...and now all his grandkids think the same thing. I love how he loves everyone. He has an amazing heart!"


I believe that love is one of the greatest legacy any parent could leave a child, but there is something special about dads who love.

Our children are also blessed with a dad who has a huge heart, and he has taught our children to love and serve others.  Last December Tim had huge plans for the kids doing community service over their holiday break.  When we knew we'd be bringing home Gabby, his plans didn't change.  I was worried it would overwhelm her, and the back-up plan was for her to stay here at home with me if she didn't want to go.  But in one of our first glimpses of Gabby's energy for life, she didn't even consider staying behind.  Later that day she couldn't stop talking about how good it felt to "help the poor."  What an amazing gift that experience was in her first few days with our family...and if it had been up to the soft-hearted mom, we would have skipped it all because it might have been difficult.

Thank goodness for the wisdom and inspiration of Dad!

Edgar A Guest said, "Be this his praise, if praise be needed.  As a father he succeeded."

No matter the title, salary, or influence in career fields and communities, Dad is the title that lives on forever and ever...  And it's never too late to start!

Breaking News: Tim Read Our Blog

Breaking

News

Yesterday Tim texted me from work and told me to approve his comment on his birthday post.  (Scroll down to the bottom of the link for comments.)

To be honest I expected sarcasm because of his anti-birthday mood, but was pleasantly surprised with sweetness...but actually I don't know why that is surprising, because everyone who knows Tim knows he's got an incredibly kind and sincere personality.  He's the kind of guy who would be there for anyone, a lot of times just because.


He read our blog one other time (that I know of), and left a long comment then also (again, scroll down to the bottom of the link for comments).

He got home late last night and couldn't stop talking about how incredible it was to read about all the memories and insights that were captured so honestly as we've journeyed down a sometimes difficult (but very rewarding) road.  He said read from the beginning of the blog to April 2009.  It must have been a really slow day for the FAA.

Our conversation took us on a trip down memory lane.  Family is what it's all about, and it felt good that my amazing husband is my most adoring fan.  (He said so himself.)

And since you're reading now, Tim:  Ij yokwe yuk.

Happy Birthday Tim!

I swore I wouldn't stop blogging when summer hit.  Obviously my commitment to summer is stronger than my commitment to blogging.

As of yesterday school is out...and I started a blog post about that yesterday but took the kids to a late night movie to celebrate the end of the school year instead of finishing the post.  ...Soon.

But first...

Happy Birthday Tim!

Today he turns...  Well, let's just say he'll always be older than I am.

He's in some kind of anti-birthday mood this year so he asked for nothing more than a hot dog cook out for his birthday.  He's eating healthy these days so he didn't eat the hot dogs, and just to balance things out I made some very healthy smoothies to go with the hot dogs.

But no cake.

Instead of cake we did this:

Honestly, I don't know which is worse for you...hot dogs or cake.  But if you don't eat it, I guess it doesn't matter either way.

Happy Birthday!

(And because we just can't resist dragging out these celebrations as long as possible, we'll celebrate again tomorrow when a niece and nephew come hang out with us for the weekend.  Just because we can.)