Remembering

...Just going through pictures on the computer and got up to last year's pictures--this time last year. What real memories it brings back. I saw pictures we took of Dean, Jessie, Sam and Ben at Donna's birthday party, about a month after Amy died. The next pictures were of our family trip to Chicago and Indiana for the midwest Pacific Islands adoption reunion. We went to Nauvoo while there, then back to Chicago for the last few days--what a contrast. I call that vacation the most incredible non-Disneyland vacation we've taken as a family, just being together. We got home and I drove to Cedar Fort to pick up Champ from Ruth and Nick's house. We spent forever just talking. That was the last time I saw them alive--ten days before they died. I remember DJ and Audrey playing around us while we talked outside, and little Audrey kept saying, "I go with you Mary. Mary, I go with you." As we talked we had moved toward the car and Audrey had climbed in the very back seat and buckled herself in without us knowing. Next thing you know we hear from the back seat, "I buckle, Mary. Mary, I buckle." Ten days later, her little 2 year old voice was gone--and Ruth and Nick along with her. The other pictures were pictures of my sand tray (therapy sand tray) which made me think of Nick. He caught a tarantula he found out in Cedar Fort and they brought it here for us to see. We all pretended we were really brave and barely touched it, then Nick left it here, in the sand tray and told me I had to get it out if I didn't want it here. Turns out Jeran's friend wanted it.



It all makes me wonder how we got here--to today, where we are now. This year has been a blur and at the same time I feel like I remember every detail of every day...the grief, the tears, the support, the friendships, the adjusting, the believing, the healing, the growth, and still the loss. We love DJ (a.k.a. Joie--that's another story), and feel lucky every day to have her with us, and every day she's a reminder of what we lost. It has defined us, and yet after almost a year we're finding it doesn't. Never in my life did I think I'd experience loss like this. I couldn't have imagined it. A year later we're different--we're stronger, wiser, kinder, and more aware of the little things. I enjoy moments rather than trying to get everything done before I enjoy the moment. And yet there's a hole in our lives--some missing pieces. We move on and look back. Some days we look back a little more than others...today is one of those days.