Sing Your Heart Out (And More Tears)

I don't sing...at least not well.  I wish I did.  I think I can carry a tune, but then again I wouldn't know.  Once when I was younger my mom told me I was tone deaf, so I think that means it might have been painful for her to listen to my try to carry a tune.  I'm pretty sure I'm not tone deaf...just not a great singer.  I'm the kind of person who sings to the car stereo, or in church (very softly).

I do enjoy music, and I enjoy listening to people sing.  It amazes me that the human voice could be an instrument, and can reach a place inside us that words alone don't touch.

I have children who are great singers.  I love listening to them, not only because they've got a great voice, but also because they're my children.  There is just something fabulous about witnessing the amazing, independent accomplishments of children as they develop their own talents and abilities.

Joie is one of the great singers in our family.  She always has been, even before she was in our family.  She used to sing with her mom, and had an incredibly sweet and pitch-perfect voice.  She sang a few times after her mom died, but then kind of just stopped.  She wasn't interested, and even said she couldn't sing.  This past year she's finding her voice again, which is still just as amazing as it ever was...and she's signed up for lessons starting next week.

Yesterday was the New Beginnings Program for the girls 12-18 at church.  I knew Megan and Joie had been working hard on preparations for this program, but the preparations were top secret, so I didn't know much of what was going on.

Early in the program, all the girls stood to sing.  Out of nowhere, starting the song, I heard Joie's absolutely beautiful voice singing a solo, followed by others joining in.  It didn't even take 10 seconds for tears to start flowing from my eyes.  I couldn't see Joie at first from where I was sitting, and I could have sworn I heard Ruth (her mom) singing.  As Joie gets older, I hear her mom's voice more and more as she speaks, and even as she sings.  I try to prepare myself so it doesn't catch me off guard and turn me into a puddle of tears, but there was no preparation last night.  I had no idea she was singing.  It turns out that an older girl had the solo part, and lost her voice right before the program, and couldn't sing.  The leaders asked Joie if she knew the words and could take the other girl's solo, so she did.

It was beautiful and amazing, of course...

But there I was, once again crying in the middle of one of Joie's programs, missing her mom, and her mom's beautiful voice, and being once again aware that I was there enjoying that moment because her other mom was no longer here.

I have this distraction trick I've learned for public moments like this, just to prevent tears from turning into the ugly cry, right there in public.  I look away.  I focus on something else.  Anything else.  I tune out the world that threatens to bring the emotions pouring out of me...  Not healthy, I know, but it beats sobbing and walking out (which I have also had to do).

I had to use the distraction trick last night.  (Sigh.)  And I'll probably use it again...not every time, but in those moments where I'm just caught off guard and can't help it.

Thank goodness for those little pieces of them that live on in her.  Their love lives on in her too, because the other thought I couldn't chase from my mind last night when I was thinking of Ruth was all those times Ruth would sing with her, and practice with her, and encourage her to sing.  Behind that beautiful voice is a lot of love...a gift for sure.