You Are a Good Parent

"You are a good parent."  Words we love to hear as parents, but don't hear often enough. 

I lead a parent-child relationship group at work.  It's part of a series of groups that coincides with age-based groups for children working on relationship skills.  These are children who struggle.  They have been abused, abandoned, or bounced around in foster care.  They have Autism, ADHD, Anxiety, and Depression.  Parenting them is a challenge.  Their parents often come to group exhausted and discouraged, with little progress to report, and they're honest about it.  They're relieved to hear they weren't the only ones whose son was kicked out of daycare or whose daughter was suspended from school.  They're tired of hearing that they're bad parents.  I believe, and frequently state to the group, that they are exceptional parents who are dealing with issues that most parents won't ever have to deal with; issues which require of them to reach deep down inside themselves to find that level of parenting they never thought they'd have to discover. 

During our group check-in, I heard parent after parent describe their week.

"My son dumped craft paint all over a newly painted, newly carpeted room at daycare.  On purpose."

"We had a huge meltdown at the grocery store."

"Someone called DCFS on us for the eighth time."

I work daily with parents.  I believe that no matter what the situation, most parents are doing the best they can.  From the ex-drug addict who struggles to stay clean and get re-acquainted with her children after several years in prison to the foster parent who is struggling to parent children who have lived through multiple cycles of abandonment, they all are doing the best they can.  I can look a drug addict in the eye and say that.  I have a lot of respect for a parent that will own mistakes and get help.  I could tell that tonight this group of parents needed more than a "hoorah", even more than a listening ear. 

I told them of a story I heard on the news where a mom was interviewed as her son was recovering after nearly drowning in the bathtub.  During the interview she stated, "I know I'm a good mom."  That statement stuck with me because I knew she believed it.  When I heard it I celebrated that this little boy would not have to grow up in the shadow of his mother's guilt at having walked away from the bathtub for only a minute.  She could forgive herself.  They could enjoy the gift of life together they had been given.  In the heirarchy of importance to a child, it was a blessing equal to that little boy's life.  Every child deserves to look into their parent's eyes and see delight.  (See this link for the complete story.)

I thought of my group when I heard that television interview, and tonight I told them so.  A mom in the back started to cry, first little tears, then as the story continued, she began to sob.  Other parents also shared tears, and shared feelings about the invalidating things they hear from schools, neighbors, and even well-meaning friends and family members.  Everyone has an opinion.  Everyone has advice.  No one but them has to wake that child up for school, struggle through a morning of frustration over clothing and breakfast choices, drop that child off at school, wonder all day if they'll get a phone call from the school, then take that child home, get them dinner, help them through homework, somehow convince them it's bedtime, then start all over again the next day.  No one but them lives that life all day, every day, without a break.

It made me think of parenting in general.  On the way to work that morning I had criticized myself for not leaving myself enough time, for having to rush my kids, and for forgetting the deadline for a sports sign-up.  On the way home I thought of my group and promised to be more gentle with myself.

You are a good parent.  Today you are doing the best you can.  Go give that kid a hug! (Then go tell another parent, "You are a good parent.")

For more on the realities of parenting (and a few parenting ideas) see here.  (Warning...This is our first time as parents.  Mishaps are frequent and certain to occur.)