Confessions of a Single Mom

I am not a single parent.  I do not pretend to even begin to understand the challenges of being a single parent.  My heart goes out to those who do it unselfishly day and night.  My own little peek into the life of a single parent is just that--a peek.  Tim has been out of town for 2-3 weeks (mostly on the 3 side) out of every month since last fall...every other month before that.  After a short trip in April he's finished.  Nothing could make our family happier.

I remember being on my mission in the Marshall Islands (almost 20 years ago, but who's counting) and getting to the point where the culture that had once been difficult to understand became second nature to me.  I remember questioning the luxuries of my western world upbringing, and embracing the idea that people mattered more than things.  At the same time, there was a part of me that knew, no matter how much I immersed myself in the culture and language, I would never really know what it was like to be an islander.  I knew that I was free to love all the amazing things about this island culture but would never really know the hardship of life there--what it was like to go hungry when there wasn't money for food; or what it was like to have a father or brother rage in a drunken fit of anger; or to be without hope for a future because there was no opportunity for education.  Even when I was terribly sick, I knew if it got worse, I'd be on a plane home, safe in the care of advanced medicine.

I think similarly now about my little stint in the world of single parenthood.  In some small form, this experience (one of my most difficult parenting experiences to date) has given me a glimpse into some of the realities of single parenthood which I hope to never experience more than I already have.

I can't begin to name all the things I've done out of desperation just to survive a day, here are a few:

• Food:  I'm typically a nutrition nut...whole foods all the way.  There are very few exceptions.  Over the past year, I've turned into a  creature of convenience when it comes to food and meals when Tim is gone.  On the menu this past few weeks have been frozen burritos, pizza rolls, and even cold cereal (also now on the menu for breakfast) and Tim orders pizza for us (from Atlanta) at least once a week.
• Bedtime:  Bedtimes are now strictly optional.  I'm sort of kidding, but sort of not.  I can see what a slippery slope this could be.  On days I'm completely exhausted, I push them in the general direction of bed later than usual (and day light savings time didn't help).  Waking up is also taking on a life of it's own.  I won't go as far as saying it's optional, but certainly I agree with the idea that there should be exceptions to getting kids to school on time if you're a single parent.
• And you know way back when my children were younger and I used to go to the store at night after my kiddos were in bed?  Back then they were safely tucked in bed with dad at home to make sure they stayed there or to answer any calls for help.  Back then I used to look at parents who would drag their children to the store that late and wonder who in the world would keep their children up that late...  Now I know.  It's single moms who have to go to the store and don't want to leave a child home alone.  In my case, I have teens, and most of them don't care about being alone for a while, but when mom time is limited, they often want to tag along.  And because mom time is limited, I let them.
• Homework:  Not optional, but sometimes late, and this past week Megan worked on an assignment way past when it was due.  It's hard to keep up with all the assignments as a single mom.  Also, Gabby's teacher told me in parent-teacher conference that she'd be sending home some vocabulary with Gabby.  I haven't checked Gabby's folder in over a week, and just remembered on Friday that I was supposed to be reviewing vocabulary with Gabby.  
• Jobs/Chores:  Of course a schedule and routine is preferable.  I know that.  But have you ever tried to enforce a schedule and routine when you're not home?  I'm a taxi mom these days.  I try not to over schedule my kids, but even with one activity each (or two...sometimes I let them choose one music and one sport activity), that's 5 different activities (or more), with sometimes nightly practices, games, lessons, etc.  Add to that church activities, and my own church callings...  It's a formula for exhaustion, so don't even talk to me about the chores and routine.  Every night is a fend night (a.k.a. FFY; a.k.a. Fend For Yourself).
• Electronics:  If you have read anything I've written about electronics, you know how I feel about limiting electronics.  But isn't it funny how even strong values start to slip under the constraints of limited physical and emotional energy?  The other day Jeran was home from school sick.  What do you do when you're sick but watch TV, right?  But for whatever reason, when I came home he ran to his room and pretended to be sleeping in his bed.  I knew he hadn't been there the whole time sleeping.  Later he admitted they've all been leaving the blinds open downstairs so they can see me pull into the driveway and turn off the TV.  I told them how we used to do the same thing as kids.  (You already know this, right mom?)  We'd take turns sitting on the kitchen countertop by the sink looking out the front window (watching TV at the same time) so we could see my mom coming and turn off the TV and pretend to be busy.   I'm sure she knew, just like I know, but the honest truth is I don't even care.  How sad is that?  I think if I'm not here, at least they're not in trouble.  Again, it's that slippery slope, and it has crossed my mind that if I was really a single mom, I'd have to choose to fight (or not fight) that battle in favor of just saving the physical and emotional energy for the battles that really matter.

I say all of this knowing that I haven't really let it all go.  I find ways to fit in nutrition, limit electronics, and keep the schedule going, because I know at the end of three weeks I'll get support and get a break.  I also know I can call Tim and get his support...it's like calling in reinforcements.  Chores and homework do get done...not perfectly, but that support is there.  Ultimately, at the end of the day, if my kids are loved and fed, it's a good day.  If they're loved, fed, getting chores and homework done, and getting to school on time, that's a bonus.

My heart does go out in a new way to moms who do this every day.  I do have support from a distance.   That ordering pizza thing he does from Atlanta is extremely convenient.  I love it when pizza just shows up at our door already paid for.  I posted that on facebook and there were some volunteers to get on the pizza delivery list.  I get that most single parents don't get that kind of support.  And did I also say he orders flowers?  I get new flowers every month.  Also the other day he even broke up a fight between Joie and Gabby (over a picture on a shoebox..of all the crazy things to fight about).  ...On the flip side, there was that one day I told him to call and remind Gabby to do the dishes, and she expertly told him the dishes were already done so she could get another (easier) job.  Smart girl!  

There is no perfect way to do this.  I guess that's life.  Certainly we didn't set out to have Tim's involvement in his current work last this long.  It's been a mixed bag of blessings for sure.  The reality is that he doesn't want to be gone any more than we want him to be gone.  A few months ago we worked it out so he could be back home again, and guess what???  We're finally there!  The single mom/absent dad era is ending.  (Huge sigh.)

Now for 3 days of crazy before he gets here...  Soccer practice, soccer meeting, Family Home Evening, play practice, singing lessons, soccer practice again (x 3), stake Activity Days, carpools, end of term projects due...and I'm sure there are other things I've forgotten.  Counting the days!