Goodbye...Sort of

Has anyone noticed how blog posts are dwindling?   For a lot of reasons, I just don't have blogging in me right now.  I won't say I'm not going to post on here anymore, because you know me...always something to say.  I'm just taking a break from this for now...kind of like a summer break.  

And as fate would have it, something funky happened to my blog formatting last week, and as I was messing with the template to bring our blog back to life, I started reading back over our blog.  I wasn't in a great place that day, and as I kept seeing the word "healing" I kept asking myself what that really meant.

I think at one point I wished it meant there would be a time where we might be able to peel back the proverbial band-aid and magically not see a scar, even though I knew that we'd feel the ripples of tragedy for a lifetime.  

In reality, I've known healing is a journey, and that is where this brings us now...to a new point in our journey.

Recently Tim and I have recognized that in the process of bringing Joie into our family, we both felt a lot of pressure to get this right.  Neither of us felt like we could fail.  

Don't get me wrong...  What we have is beautiful.  It has been an amazing experience to be a part of this journey of Joie's (and now Gabby's) life.  At the same time, it's probably safe to say that no one ever asks to become a member of the grief/loss/trauma club...  Four years and ten months ago, we woke up one morning and were just going about the day...  Then there was that phone call no one wants to hear...  And so it was that we woke up one morning as a family of five and went to sleep five days later as a family of six and during those five days, ripples were set into motion that effect us still today.

Which brings me back to what Tim and I have been recognizing...the pressure to get it right.  

At some point early in this journey, there was an unspoken agreement between Tim and I that we couldn't fail.  Two huge extended families had trusted us to raise Joie, and in our eyes, at the time she joined our family, she was collectively the child of the Campbells and Weavers...not ours.  It still sometimes feels like we can't say "ours."  

Which brings me to another point where it feels imperative we get this right...

We're all hoping to float around on clouds one day with Nick, Ruth, and Audrey, and it would be really, really, really awkward if we all showed up to greet them without Joie.  Can you imagine that conversation?  Uhhh...Sorry guys.  We failed.  It turns out we weren't the right ones to get her through her difficult life.  

And so it goes, on and on...never failing, only getting it right...  (And to Campbells and Weavers and everyone else who supports us, we should clarify we're talking about pressure we put there ourselves in some kind of twisted impression that we had control over any of this during a time when we were grasping at trying to stay in control of something...anything.)    

As it turns out, Mr. Can't Fail has been a sort of invisible, lurking member of our family for a long time, and we're just starting to figure it out.  (For fans of narrative therapy, wasn't that great use of stepping away from the problem?  I even named it...huge pat on the back.)

So what does that have to do with not blogging?  (Yes...there's a long answer.)  

We started this blog as a way to stay connected to people who loved Joie.  Way back when, it was through blogging that we got to know Joie's extended family, who have become like our own extended family.  We love them more than we can say, and have appreciated their support of us in raising Joie.  Also as Gabby joined our family, blogging continued to be a way to let people in Gabby's life know how she was doing.

Then along the way, more people started joining in our little blogging community as our blog was shared on adoption forums, grief forums, and in other more public ways.  I get traffic from everywhere on this blog.  In a way, it was good to share our story, and to know that our story was helping others, and maybe some day there will be another time and place for that...

Meanwhile, at the end of the day, the people under our own roof matter most.  As Tim and I have talked about this pressure we've felt since Joie joined our family, we've also become aware of the effect that unrealistic pressure has on our own relationship.  As a couple, it's hard to be ourselves with each other if we have to worry about getting it right all the time...  (So we went back to talking about our fears last night...and weaknesses...and it felt good to be real again.)

And don't get me wrong.  We superimposed that pressure before we started blogging...but consciously or unconsciously, we're living part of our story through the eyes of other people.  I'm a huge believer in looking up, not looking out or around us as we live life...

(Short break.)

As I was getting ready to post this, I called and read it to Tim over the phone.  He is on his way back from Manti with the kids.  He took them to the Manti Pageant while I worked today.  (Huge bummer for me.)  As I was reading it to him, I could tell he was a little surprised I was doing this.  I asked him what he felt was missing.  As we talked, the take-away was the irony of this situation--something else we would want people to know.  In all our attempts to not fall apart, we really have fallen apart in our own ways...then we put pressure on each other not to fall apart.  Crazy cycle.  Crazy grief.  Crazy trauma.  There is no way but through.

And so it is that we say our sort-of "for now" good-bye.  

For family, we'll take our boring day-to-day blog somewhere else...

For everyone else, thank you for the support and kind words.  There is life after loss.  There is healing after grief.  We know it.  We live it every day.  

Family:  Forever, for always, no matter what.   

P. S.  Stay tuned.  Tim said he had something to post...  And for anyone who remembers, it was breaking news when he read this blog before, and he has left long comments on occasion that should be posts themselves (see links inside the breaking news post).  If I knew taking a blogging break would get him to guest post, I would have done it long ago!

P. P. S.  Today I added a clarification to this post after I successfully alarmed several family members...hope this helps to clarify.